Five Memorial Day Shopping Mantras

What’s the best part of Memorial Day? Contemplating the incredible price of freedom and paying homage to our fallen American heroes. That and it’s a day off and SALES ON SALES like racks on racks. Lesbos whine about shopping like no other.  I know it’s super annoying to put as much effort in your appearance as you put into documenting your meals on Instagram, but life is annoying so suck it up and break out your Visa.

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I spent the last year working for a high end, Hollywood stylist whose clients spanned notorious hotel heiresses (massive feet) and trophy wives (amazing breast implants). Say what you will about those ladies, they knew how to utilize a chic uniform of wardrobe staples. After six months of lugging leather jackets and realizing the scathing potential of a single raised eyebrow, my ensembles changed from multi-colored messes to fitted, simple perfection. Read on, take my wisdom to heart, and use the HOT/HIDEOUS cheat sheets I made for taste on the go.

High-waisted looks bestngalNasty Gal

If you have hips, you look better in high-waisted jeans. Even a size triple zero strikes a more slender silhouette in long, lean, high-waisted denim. I feel like my stomach is pretty flat for never exercising and would love to show it off with bum huggers but alas, that would make me look lumpy and stout. Such is the cruelty of life and dimensions.

Boring is usually betterveerVeer

My boss, a stylish glamazon, wore the same outfit almost every day. She understood that fashion risks are for people who a.) know what they are doing and b.) have given this risk extensive thought. Or are naturally cool and beautiful a la Cara Delevingne. I know I’m supposed to tell myself, and you, that we are naturally cool and beautiful, but we all know that is not entirely accurate. (Maybe on the inside, where no one can see.) Invest in four pairs of that wonderfully simple pant/top and reap the reward of peace of mind for years to come. You will look cool, and then instead of worrying about whether or not you look cool you can think about the big shit like work or what to watch on Netflix.

Black is good. White is not.blackWildfang

At Dinah, I observed that everyone looked hotter at the black party than at the white party the night before. Why? Well, white is oddly unflattering unless you have an evenly bronzed complexion, no unsightly bulges, rigid undergarments, and lots of makeup. So not me. Or, apparently, anyone at Dinah.

Boots are the bomb.docmartensDoc Martens

 

I watched the most fashionable woman in the world wear the same pair of booties every day. They were YSL (aka Yves St. Laurent, you PEASANT) but still: same boots for every outfit. I wear boots with shorts, jeans, dresses, skirts, rompers, leggings, everything. If you’re worried about sweaty toesies in the upcoming summer months, don’t stress. Just grab a pair of ankle boots constructed from lightweight leather. Or pleather if you’re a vegetarian. That’s really the only excuse for wearing pleather. Suede is the tackiest type of shoe leather FYI.

Identify a focal point35573856_001_bUrban Outfitters

Every morning, I wake up and think, “What do I want to wear today?” Then I check to see if it’s clean(ish) and begin the vetting process. Part of the joy of fashion is adorning yourself in an item you love. Never let that simple pleasure fade away. Wear one thing you love every day. Then take “item” to “outfit” by adding pieces that complement that piece and your body.

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This article was originally published in May, 2015.

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