Thanksgiving: You won’t get pregnant, but you will look knocked up.
Thanksgiving: America’s least sensual dining experience, closely followed by the bathroom-adjacent table at Arbys.
Thanksgiving: It hurts so good.
Thanksgiving is all about the two Gs. No, not gratitude and giving (this isn’t a heartwarming Pillsbury butter roll/crescent/blob commercial), I’m talking about good ol’ fashioned gluttony and guilt. You know how some people adore announcing their super special date of conception? They’ll proudly declare, “I’m a Valentine’s Day baby!” or, “I’m a New Year’s baby!” or, “My parents mated Arbor Day beneath a lush canopy of Sequoia trees and nine months later I burst forth from my mother’s womb!” Well, I bet Thanksgiving is the one holiday when conception rates plummet instead of skyrocket. Human babies can’t compete in joy or deliciousness to the food baby I annually incubate after inhaling a turkey leg or three.
Thanksgiving presents us with a unique set of requirements. One outfit must accommodate:
After careful contemplation and years of mashed potato stained cardigans, I’ve finally life-hacked Thanksgiving apparel.
Do: Dark Colors
Don’t: High-Waisted Anything
Do you hate yourself? No? Well you’re about to if you so much as think about wearing a high-waisted pant or skirt for Thanksgiving. You will be miserable and probably throw up. ‘Tis the season to sport low waisted looks and leave your hour-glass aspirations to the spring and summer collections.
Do: Mega EarringsAnthropologie, $48
Your ears are one place that food (probably) won’t get stuck on. Big earrings will stand out in pics and balance out your ever-expanding mid-section. Man Repeller famously declared layering of bracelets as “an arm party.” I say the party just moved on up to your lobe. Why not wear a dragon ear cuff next to art deco costume jewelry or a gold encrusted feather? Do you really have anything better to do?
Jumpsuits make going to the bathroom feel like a particularly strenuous yoga session. Like rompers, jumpsuits will trick you with their apparent ease, yet you’ll positively despise getting in and out of a jumpsuit during a day of binge eating/drinking. If you’re spending time with family, they’ll be needing to use the bathroom too, and won’t take kindly to you hogging the John. Ditto for your friends and/or girlfriend. No one wants that. Think ahead.
Do: Big Girl Heels
Don’t: Leather or Silk
Instead of wearing leather and silk on Thanksgiving, why not simply douse your money in kerosene and set it on fire? Leather and silk are the hereditary enemy of comfort food and dark alcohol. They are expensive, hard to clean, and contain no stretch whatsoever. Leather is my favorite fabric but I cannot endorse wearing it on this one day. Silk is sexy, but Thanksgiving is not sexy, so pack it in and invest in a neoprene: no wrinkles, mad stretch, and lots of fun pattern options.
Do: Maxi Dress
We all have an inner semi-imaginary boho goddess who wants to sing at trees, bathe in rivers, and look good in “gauzy” garments. That whimsical waif cannot get enough of maxi dresses. Now that summer has faded into fall, Thanksgiving presents us with one last golden opportunity to wear a maxi dress without looking confused and/or delusional. Maxi dresses make lazy women look less lazy, so I think they’d do great things for the lesbian community.
Don’t: Crop Tops
Thanksgiving is a one stop shop for your brand new (hopefully), temporary (hopefully) FUPA. FUPA stands for—well if you don’t know already, you don’t want to know. OK if you really want to know, which you don’t, go ahead and google FUPA then come back to finish reading this list. Whatever you do, don’t image search FUPA. There are some things one can never forget.
Do: Leggings/tunic combo
Stretch stretch stretch. Hide hide hide. That’s a little song I just made up about the perks of pairing leggings and a long tunic into one ultra comfortable ensemble. If you’re shaking your head in disbelief right now because the first thing that springs to mind when I say “Leggings and tunic” is your go-to college hangover outfit, please stop. Like you, this look has come a long way since Psych 101. I’m particularly obsessed black leggings with metal details and or/loose fit jogger pants.
This CLANG year, I’m CLANG thankful CLANG CLANG for CLANG CLANG CLANK CLANK CLANG my family. Now read that sentence aloud. That’s a little preview of Thanksgiving dinner whilst wearing an ill-informed selection of arm candy. Your more serious, less stylish relatives will be scandalized by the crass clatter emanating from your deceptively delicate wrist. And who could blame them? Thanksgiving is a rare occasion for the old or simply sanctimonious to publically humble brag. Don’t ruin this for them. Also, bangles tend to rattle right off your arm and onto the table/floor/stuffing, which makes you look klutzy and more drunk than you actually are. Loud noises + dropping stuff = everyone whispering “lush” behind your back. Leave the arm party at home.