Biffle or Breezy: My BFF, The Bunny Boiler

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Dear Biffle or Beezy,

What do you do when you’re the friend of someone becoming the “crazy-ex”? Most of my friends I can help by distraction, comfort, confidence building/constantly telling them how awesome they are, etc. My first response was concern but then I realized she’s actually just one of those crazy exes. Recently she went to the girls house demanding an explanation to an unopened door, asked me stalk the girls pages, and such and I’ve never really understood this type of behavior.

Sincerely,
The Voice of Reason

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Dear Voice of Reason,

Being friends with a crazy ex type is more stressful than being the crazy ex type and far les entertaining than having a crazy ex. You have all the downside of cray- neediness, mood swings, dominating conversations with talk of her crazy ass behavior and why it was justified, self-loathing, delusion, repetition, and idiocy. What I’ve come to unhappily recognize is that every person has a blind spot of shittiness. This shittiness lies, dormant or tolerable, until one day bursting forth to shit all up on your life. If you have not seen the dormant shittinesss in some person, know that you eventually will. We all do, in the end. Now you must ask yourself two questions:

Am I willing to deal with this kind of shit?

If I can’t snap her out of the shit, am I willing to stick around?

Phase one: Snap her out of it. Just flat out say, “You are being crazy.” Have EXAMPLESconcrete instances where she acted unacceptably. Emphasize not just how she’s annoying you (actually minimize that), but how utterly ridiculous she is making herself look. Something along the lines of, “No one wants to fuck with the crazy bitch” but a tad more subtle. Then say “I want you to know that from now on, when you’re acting crazy, I’m going to look you in the eyes and say “You’re acting crazy.”

From that point forward, if she chooses to still act crazy, you’re not going to deal with it. You will not listen to her talk about her ex, help her stalk her ex, do anything remotely related to the ex. YOU ARE OVER THE EX even if she is not.
Phase 2: Hold her to those rules with an iron fist. If she can’t toe the line, it might be time for polite distance. No need to make a fuss about it. Just stop finding the time. If you think closely (not that you’d want to), you’ll realize that people have been politely distancing themselves from your crazy episodes for quite a while.

Horrifying, isn’t it?

Verdict:
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If real talk can’t snap her out of bunny boiler terrain, she might be a beezy. Try not to judge too harshly; jealousy kills coherence.

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

I’m a bartender and this super cute girl comes in every night orders a drink and talks with me my whole shift. I can’t tell if she’s gay or if she just needs a friendhow do I approach this?

Sincerely,
Befuddled Bartender

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Dear Befuddled Bartender,

You are modest. I like this about you. I feel like most lesbians would be like, “DUDE! Girl wants you, duhget it,” but you do have a point. She could just like you, as opposed to wanting to have sex with you STATasap, all-in, let’s-talk-dog-adoption. That sort of zero-60 thought process is what leads to U-hauls and secret hookups with straight, married women. My first question for you is: Would it make a difference if she wanted a friend instead of a date?

Would you be down for a new friend? This girl clearly likes you and wants to spend time with you. In order to figure out exactly why, you’re going to have to figure out this girl. Friend or fuck, it’s your move: ask her to hang out outside the bar. Not in the light; that’s just scary. Go to dinner and make a point of asking her questions about exes, dating, etc. Drop mentions of your own gayness as soon and as often as possible. Then make your move.

Either way, she’s probably DTF—or a long lost sibling. Or your ex-girlfriend’s crazy ex-ex-girlfriend. You never know with women; that’s part of the fun.
Verdict:
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Approach her like a human being and she could be a bang or biffle. Or maybe even both. I hear love is like having sex with your best friend. Goody.

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