Biffle or Beezy: Merging Alleys

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Introducing “Biffle or Beezy,” AfterEllen’s friendship column for your bosom buddy brawls and chum challenges. In each installment, we’ll field questions to determine if your friend is a biffle (best friend) or beezy (b*tch). 

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

A girl I’ve known (and been dating) for exactly a week asked to move into my apartment. What would Chloe do?

Sincerely,

Unwilling Uhaul

Dear Unwilling Uhaul,

FUCK NO, GIRL.

I would say absolutely not, this girl is going to be at best a desperate mooch and at worst mentally disturbed, with massive bitch being the unhappy medium.

You KNOW this. You KNOW this is unacceptable and weird. Why the hell is she moving so fast? Clearly this girl cannot take care of herself. If she could, she wouldn’t ask to move into the apartment of a girl she’s been dating for one week. People with their shit together don’t just freaking move for no reason. Moving is sheer misery like childbirth, wedding planning, and finding a new job. You know, an unpleasant undertaking that embodies “the ends justify the means.”

Where does she live? Does she not pay rent? Sorry to shit on your happiness, but a scrub is a scrub and your new girlfriend sounds like a co-dependent scrub.

Glaring lack of accomplishment aside, this girl is moving way too fast. Do not move in with anyone you’ve been dating less than a year. OK, you’re a lesbian, six months. A Semester. A Season. A still super short amount of time. You met this girl a week ago. You haven’t even gotten your period yet. SHE hasn’t gotten her period yet.

I understand (sort of, because I am the least co-dependent person ever and therefore a lesbian anomaly) the urge to merge from one independent entity into a anamorphic blob. Yet all urges are not created equal. On a daily basis, I have a very strong urge to say, “Fuck off and die” but I don’t, because people get really mad. Breathe. The world is not ending and contrary to rom-coms and inspirational quotes that basic bitches love to post on Instagram. Life is longggggggggggggg. Your relationship will blossom and decay soon enough. No need to rush the process.

Rushing into commitment and cohabitation isn’t romantic; it’s a flashing sign of insecurity and need. If you don’t believe me (which you probs don’t) perform a simple test. Sit the girl down and calmly say “I like you, but you’re moving way too fast, and I’m not ready to live with you. We just met and don’t know nearly enough about each other. Please respect and understand my wishes. I’m sorry if you’re not happy in your current living situation, but I need space and you need to figure this out on your own.”

If she’s sane, it won’t be a problem, and she’ll drop the topic.

If she’s upset, she is crazy and will be getting crazier.

Get out now. If you don’t get out, you have no one to blame but yourself.

Verdict:

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Your new boo sounds like a major beezy. Stand firm and keep your distance.

Dear Biffle or Beezy,

I’m a very strong alley for the LGBT community but I don’t understand how people say why does everyone have to put a label on things but then call themselves a lesbian, gay, bi or transgender.

Sincerely,

Anxious Alley

Dear Anxious Alley,

I have never met an alley before. How do you do? Are corridors taking over business while you’re busy on Tumblr? Where will restaurants and bars toss out the garbage? Perhaps weak alleys will rise or should I say lead to the occasion/dumpster!

In regards to your question:

So you heard someone say, “Why does everyone have to put a label on things?” and then identify (not “call themselves,” but I’ll get to that in a moment) as lesbian, gay, bi, or transgender. “Call themselves” implies name calling and a certain disbelief that someone who doesn’t believe in the all mighty importance of all labels could possibly claim an identity other than amorphous blob of “NOT STRAIGHT.”  Example: I AM a gay woman. I CALLED you an alley. Or, actually, you called yourself an alley.

Like members of the heterosexual community (such as yourself), members of the LGBT community have many differences. Many, many differences. Almost like real people. So much like real people that we each posses individual will, thought, and sexual preference. One thing we can all agree on is that straight people do not get to assign us labels.

If a queer person suggested you not put a label on everything, they probably meant “Stop putting a label on anyone except for yourself”. Alleys, and even straight allies, are not entitled to define any member of the LGBT community in any way, ever, because frankly you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.

The identities you describe are very, very different. I think a quick google of “gender v. sexuality” might help clarify the most glaring and basic of those differences.

The LGBTQ community is diverse. Some of us refuse to identify as any sexuality/gender. That’s cool, because identity is personal and in no way a reason for you to treat someone differently. Most of us do identify as something- I identify as a gay woman or lesbian- and that’s cool too. I am proud to be who I am, sorta like you’re super proud of being an alley.

I know it would be easier for straight people to just slap “LGBT” every one of us, because that would require no thought or consideration for us as individuals. After chatting with one of us, straight people could comfortably declare “LGBT people are wonderful dancers” or “LGBT people talk mad shit” or “LGBT people love hanging out in alleys”.

Alas, like so many minority groups, my people don’t like being lumped together and defined solely by what makes us not part of the controlling majority BY that majority. Making my existence as simplistic and one dimensional as possible so straight people don’t have to think too much is not a major priority.

It’s OK not to understand. You are an alley, after all. There will be aspects of life and humanity that you do not understand. Deal with it. Accept it. Let it go.

Verdict:

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Babe, you’re a beezy. Read more.

Got a question? Ask me on Twitter or Tumblr.

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