Valentine’s Day is almost upon us, and we’re here to help you help yourself make it out unscathed. Scientifically speaking, lesbian/bisexual women have 300 to 600 percent more feelings than an average human, and so on the one day of the year devoted entirely to feelings, things are bound to get tricky—especially on that behemoth social network that taught us oh so long ago that relationships aren’t exactly binary. You can be: Single. You can be: In a Relationship. Or you can be: It’s Complicated. But you don’t have to be: The Worst. Below are some handy tips to help you own Valentine’s Day on Facebook, no matter your relationship status.
Relationship Status: Single
Don’t: Use the phrase “Single Awareness Day.” Don’t post YouTube videos of Bridget Jones singing “All By Myself.” Don’t post GIFs of the Red Wedding. Don’t post GIFs of the Red Wedding before the massacre. Don’t post GIFs of the Red Wedding during the massacre. Don’t post GIFs of the Red Wedding after the massacre. Don’t post GIFs of the Red Wedding. There’s no shame in feeling bummed out because you haven’t met the love of your life yet. But there’s a little bit of shame to comparing that feeling to the surprise genocide of an entire royal family. If you need to be that dramatic, do it an email to a few (close) friends.
Do: Interact with your buddies. If you’re active on Facebook and Valentine’s Day is a thing you like, post fun Valentines on your friends’ walls. Someecards has some good ones. Mashable recently posted an awesome set of Grumpy Cat ones. Let Google be your guide. Share your love, even if you’re not sharing it with someone you want to bone. Making other people feel good will make you feel good. I promise. If you don’t believe me, ask this woman who gave out 1,000 Valentines to strangers in New York.
Don’t: Act morally superior. Look, I know and you know that Valentine’s Day is built on the legacy of a saint who never had a girlfriend, a long-term monogamous relationship, or probably even sex. All he ever did was cure a blind girl and leave her a note signed “Your Valentine.” Then one day Hallmark picked up the idea and ran all the way to the bank with it. It’s a greeting card holiday thrust upon us by companies that perpetuate the patriarchy and demand your money. But saying that on Facebook doesn’t make you look smart. (Even if you are.) It makes you look petty and smug, and it also makes you look a little bit like a liar. The more you say how over something you are, the more it sounds like the exact opposite thing is true.
Do: Treat yo self. Clothes? Treat yo self. Fragrances? Treat yo self. Massages? Treat yo self. Mimosas? Treat yo self. Fine leather goods? Treat yo self. Don’t wait for someone to send you flowers; plant your own garden, girl! And post those photos to Facebook.
Do: Keep things in perspective. You’re awesome, you know that? There’s no one on earth who is you-er than you, and you are nobody’s basic bitch. And remember the real joy of Valentine’s Day: On February 15th, all the candy in America is half-price.
Relationship Status: In a Relationship
Do: Show your lady some love. If your girlfriend/wife/partner/fiance likes it when you send flowers to her work, she’s going to like it when you show her some affection on Facebook. I mean, flowers are nice and everything. They’re pretty. They smell good. But girls usually like it when you send flowers to them because it makes them feel awesome/special in front of their co-workers. So, write her a sweet note or tag her in a sweet picture or post a sweet photo on her wall. Kittens hugging kittens. Otters holding hands. Giraffes doing pretzel necks. Or really anything involving Beagles.
Don’t: Do any five-second Frenchers in public. There is a certain amount of time you can kiss a person in front of other people and have it not be gross, and that amount of time is milliseconds. Don’t make it weird for everyone on Facebook by getting too personal. Nobody wants to see you making inside jokes about sex stuff. No one wants to hear your litany of pet names for each other. No one wants to see your grocery list either, so if you’re using Facebook to talk about your mundane life stuff, stop that also. Be lovely, but be brief about it.
Do: Know your lady love. Some people do not like PDA, even “impersonal” PDA on social media. Respect that. Making your girlfriend feel loved should be about making her feel loved, not about making you feel good about making her feel loved.
Don’t: Sit around all day waiting for your girlfriend to express her love for you so perfectly on social media. Don’t brood on it. Don’t plan for it. Don’t accost her when she gets home if she didn’t have time to compose a sonnet for your timeline. It could be worse; she could have written you a poem called “My Heart Is a Wiffle Ball/Freedom Pole” and put that out there for the world to see.
Relationship Status: It’s Complicated
Do: Be cool, man. You’re kind of broken up or you kind of haven’t gotten together or she’s kind of with someone else or you kind of don’t even know if she’s a lesbian. Valentine’s Day is not the day to figure that shit out. Everyone everywhere is talking nonstop about their feelings and your office mate got engaged this morning and oh my god your college reunion is getting closer and how old will you be on your birthday this year and haven’t had sex since your fling with your ex and oh you just want someone to watch TV with while you spoon and does that girl want to get into your pants or not?! Does she love you? IS THERE A FUTURE? Don’t panic. Sort it out tomorrow (when the candy is half-price, like I said).
Don’t: Be a creeper. Stalking people online is not really a good idea. Stalking people sober is 78 percent not a good idea. Stalking people drunk is 100 percent not a good idea. Stalking people in the daytime is 81 percent not a good idea. Stalking people after the sun goes down and you’re tired is 300 percent not a good idea. I know you think you need to know what she’s doing tonight and who she’s doing it with. I know you think you need to see who among her many admirers declared their love for her on her wall today. I know you think looking at old pictures of you guys or of new pictures of her and her girlfriend is a good idea. It is not. It is not. It is categorically not. If you can’t help yourself, get away from your technology before you do something even a Pretty Little Liar would regret.
Do: Continue to post awesome stuff that displays your awesomeness for all the world to see. You’re a great dog mom, you bake delicious chocolate chip cookies, you just finished reading the Harry Potter series for the third time, you found this insightful article in The New Yorker, this cartoon made you giggle. Just be you, man. That is attractive.
Don’t: Make it Weird. Don’t post passive-aggressive messages about how you wish you could be with that special someone today, or about how you guess since someone didn’t call you’ll just go listen to Taylor Swift alone, or about how some people don’t know what they deserve, or that you guess you don’t deserve some people. Desperation isn’t a good luck on you. And neither is craziness. Don’t beg for her attention by pitching a fit in the shadows. You’re so much better than that.
Do you have any tips for owning Valentine’s Day on Facebook? Leave them in the comments!