Second date faux pas


By the second date, you’ve passed physical inspection and should make it clear that you are not a moron. Also emphasize that you have a job. If you don’t have a job, GO HOME, get a job and then worry about girlfriends. I’m sick of weeding through your lot.


All photos from Getty Images

Here are four tips to help you navigate through the second date’s treacherous waters and into the warm reef of a traditional third date fingerbang.

1. Moderation In Social Media

At this point you’ve followed up via phone to organize a second date. Social media interactions aren’t usually for the actors, they’re for the audience. Date #2 is way too soon for any sort of audience. The more you pause a genuine moment of genuine happiness to pose artfully, the less substantial that moment becomes. The moments begin to feel like reflections. I really think it’s best to never FB/Insta/Twitter/Tumblr someone you’re dating. Wait for the relationship before you begin passive aggressively monitoring her activities.

If you absolutely must, I suppose:

Facebook: 1 month

Instagram: 1 month unless you’re taking heaps of pictures together (gross) and need to @ each other. Then go for it. But don’t tag them, just @. Tagging is meh.

Twitter: Couples interacting on Twitter are revolting, no one likes you, we’re liking your hideous cutesy ‘SOMEBODY ;)))))’ tweets because we want you to like us. We receive no genuine enjoyment. NONE.

Tumblr: Tumblr’s are often someone’s writing/thought/journal/personal expression presence. You should probably just leave theirs alone. A lot of lesbians/humanity feel tempted to light of my life and loins forever together we’ve overcome so much STRONGER PRIDE to their girlfriend’s tumblr. Tumblr stalking can get really addictive really quick so seriously just don’t read her tumblr, and don’t be over the top because you really do look dumb.

Example: Last Friday, I went on the worst date of my life. In my brief life, I’ve been on many many dates, most of them with losers because I am young and young people are losers, except for freaks like Lorde. She asked me to a hipster Silver Lake restaurant, then cross street bar, for dinner and drinks. We met once before, at a party, and the following morning she added me on Facebook and sent a message. The morning after our ill-fated rendezvous, I faced the uncomfortable task of de-friending and blocking her. After a night of text messages that included threats, name calling, peacemaking, sweet talking and demands, I wanted this crazy bitch FAR AWAY FROM ME ALWAYS AND FOREVER. Just the thought of her looking at my pictures gives me the creeps.


2. She Who Asks, Pays

Love interests and friends are different. Regardless of feminism (although the complex vagaries of butch/femme financial dynamics I will leave to someone, anyone else) If you ask someone out, you should want to treat them. Something nice for the girl you’re into. Paying for a date is that simple- just that nice thing we do for girls we like. You don’t have to take her to a fancy place; in fact, I think it’s far more appealing for a girl to take me out on a cheap date then be summoned to an overpriced restaurant and end up with half a bill you can’t afford. Have some class. Take a girl out.

Example: After inviting me to a restaurant and bar, my date paid, and I didn’t stop her. At both venues she’d offer to get me a drink whenever my glass was empty. After the date, when I left and she realized she wasn’t getting anything, the tacky thing had the audacity to send me a text barking, “You owe me 75!”


3. If I don’t know ____, I don’t care about ____.

I’m here to get to know you, not your best buddy in college that you PARTY SO HARD with. We all drank too much in college, look up to our parents, and love our siblings. None of that information is riveting. I might mildly care about your life, and want to know the basic description of your family/friends/really funny coworker Evan, but for the love of God don’t paint me a portrait. I never knew my grandparents, so maybe I’m deadened vis-a-vis the elderly, but little whets my interest less than a grandparent dying story. They all end the same. On a more serious note, I’m not as interested in a girl’s past (we don’t all have great pasts) as I am her present and future: what is she doing now and what is she working towards? Living in LA, I’ve gotten so sick of people who are all talk and no action. It’s a sickness here.

Example: Horrid date went on and on about her triumph (which appeared to have been about five years back)working on umpteenth season of a reality show. I actually thought that was interesting, but what wasn’t interesting was her current unemployment and lack of reasonable ambition. I don’t consider a documentary about yourself a reasonable ambition, unless perhaps you were a child soldier. What is the What? is a personal favorite.


4. Be Nice

This, like many things, seems obvious but is not. Love for our tormentors is one of mankind’s less admirable proclivities. Treating people as badly as they allow themselves to be treated is an even uglier tendency. I urge you, gentle reader, to not play malicious little games on any date. Sometimes a girl thinks it’s cute/feisty/assertive to dispute, mock, or nitpick every comment their date makes. That girl thinks she is exuding “playful teasing.” In reality, she is exuding “annoying and rude.” You asked this girl out because you like her. Compliment the things you like about her. Ask questions about the aspects of her life that interest you. Be real and be nice. It’s that simple.

Example: The first red flag flung from el diablo dato was, “I just got out of jail.” The second was when she started negging me. Negging is this precious PUA (pickup artist) lady slaying strategy where you put down a women to gain power. Charming, no? She followed “I totally forgot you were a writer” (we had talked about writing for several hours) with “that’s such a funny weird coincidence because I’m actually looking to hire a writer for my documentary. I know a ton of writers, but I just wanted to give you the opportunity. This is going to be really big, so you’ll get paid plenty after.” DING DING.

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