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The Hook Up: Orgasm difficulties and shifting identities

I’ve recently started having regular casual sex with someone but have an extremely hard time reaching orgasm, which is not for her lack of trying and generally doing a good job. She gets me to the edge frequently but isn’t quite able to push me over it. I’ve only had sex with one person before this and had the same problem then. Although my partner is understanding, I find it really frustrating and embarrassing. Usually after a long bout of trying, I just ask if it’s OK for me to do it and let her finish me off (which she’s been very good about but I still feel rude given all her efforts).

This leads me to the second part of the problem: I have no problem hitting the “O” when masturbating. It’s something I’ve been doing regularly for a few years and can come quite easily and quickly. I’m worried I’ve actually conditioned myself to come in a very specific way and having someone else touch me feels so different that my body doesn’t know how to react. Do you think this is the case, and if there’s any way to change it? I don’t think it’s the lack of a clear mind and although I can come using a vibrator, I don’t want to become reliant on it. I tell her what I like and she acts accordingly, but it still feels different than what my body is used to. Help?-Frustrated

Anna says: I don’t know if this will ease your mind any, but what you’re experiencing is incredibly common. Oodles of women can’t come at all, let alone with a partner or while masturbating. Feel better? Now that that’s settled, let’s go watch Doctor Who.

Just kidding. I can talk about your vagina all day. The most likely (and likely most frustrating) answer is you just need to give it time. And give yourself a break. The anxiety and embarrassing feelings are only going to make it harder for you to orgasm. Be confident in the knowledge that sometimes it takes a while for our bodies to get used to new people, new hands, new toys, and new conditions. And seriously, that is totally normal and fine. I also admire your perseverance and willingness to adapt. You know what works for you and you communicated that even though it was hard. If I was your therapist, I would give you a big gold star because I actually wish therapists were validating in a fourth grade teacher kind of way.

So. Yes. Other reasons your head may be working against your body might have to do with aforementioned guilt or anxiety, which is terrible because, like, don’t we have enough to worry about? But while getting it on, there comes a point where we start to wonder, “Am I taking too long? Is she bored? Does she hate my belly button goatee tuft?” And thus starts the downward cycle of negativity. I know it’s hard, but try not to get down on yourself in the moment. Focusing on the “O” may actually make it more difficult to attain. Sometimes what works for me is to think of myself as a dude. Dudes don’t “feel bad” for taking a long time. If anything, they are praised for their stamina and ability to last. When I reframe my own thinking, sometimes it gets me out of the self-loathing funk. Plus, genderf*ckery is hot to me, so that works out too.

It’s possible that your masturbation habits have conditioned you somewhat. But you’re already working on that with your partner by incorporating her into your solo-stimulation habits. Two gold stars! You can try to vary your routine, either alone or with her, if you’re worried about becoming a one-trick pony. A vibrator won’t desensitize you, however. Not for more than a few minutes, anyway. Also, many people incorporate vibrators into their sex lives regularly. So if you prefer to get off using one, then by all means, go to town. Don’t let other people’s expectations or the Sex Police try and stop you. It’s your party and you can get as buzzed as you want, if you’ll allow me to mix a metaphor.

Really though. I think you’ll be aces in just a few weeks of consistent sex with this person. It’s probably a mental block. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t be afraid to try new things, and enjoy whatever it is that gets you off. “If you can’t beat ’em, beat it,” as the old saying goes.

I’m noticing a disturbing trend, Anna. As I get older, more and more of my gay friends are turning straight. Most recently, an ex who has been exclusively lesbian (a gold star even!) just told me she has a boyfriend. Did I mention she’s been gay since the womb? Is this just because I’m in my 30s now and lezzies want babies the easy way? What is going on? Please explain this! It’s all very upsetting. -Hasbian Help

Anna says: Lucky for you, I’ve just come from the annual luncheon of the Every Former Lesbian in the World committee. It was held at the Hometown Buffet near the interstate. Perhaps as a throwback to their previous lesbian selves, 114 hours were spent processing and nothing got accomplished, although a majority did confirm they would “turn back” for Angelina Jolie, and many complaints were lodged about “Donna” leaving Orange Is the New Black.

I am sorry your ex and her new boyfriend struck a nerve in you. It’s always hard when our exes move on, even if deep down we want them to be as happy as possible, even if that happiness may conflict with our own perceptions and beliefs about that person. But! It’s not personal, remember that. She’s not bobbing for adam’s apples to spite you (hopefully). So dry your tears, HH. Speaking of, you know I love a good pun, but can we retire the word “hasbian,” please? It’s so petty and it diminishes a person’s identity to that of a light switch. She was ON, now she’s OFF. The end.

As to the baby-making theory, it doesn’t hold much water. Plenty of lesbians manage to get pregnant and remain lesbians. Melissa Etheridge comes to mind. Jodie Foster. Wanda Sykes. Etc. While it’s tempting to reduce your ex to a Huggies commercial, sexuality is more complex than that (I know. I didn’t believe it at first either). Just to be sure, though, I consulted science.

One study, conducted by psychologist Lisa Diamond tracked lesbians, bisexuals, and “unlabeled” persons over a 10-year period. At the end of the decade, Diamond found that about 8 percent of the 89 gay women she followed went on to change their identity to heterosexual, but many of them also chose to call themselves bisexual or “unlabeled,” which most would argue, still falls under the big queer umbrella. Even when women identify as straight, it doesn’t mean they aren’t hot for the ladeez. As Diamond notes, “A lot of these women will say, ‘Well, I’m calling myself heterosexual. I’m still attracted to women, it’s just that I don’t necessarily think I’m going to end up with a woman.'”

You’re right though. We can’t afford to lose any more gold stars. Let’s initiate Operation GMWOE (Gay My Way, Or Else) where we lock all potential wang-drifters into closets until they’re ready to realize the truth. The irony will be lost on them until they are gay once more.

If you want more on this topic, read my previous column, “Why do all the girls I date end up straight?”

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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