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The Hook Up: Help! I slept with my straight best friend

Hi Anna, I have been going through your old articles hoping to find the answer, but surprisingly no one has asked you yet! I just woke up with a ridiculous hangover and my best straight, never-been-with-a-girlfriend of 10 years naked next to me. We slept together and I have no words. I am hiding in another room of my apartment from her. I mean we were drunk, but we have never had chemistry or anything because she is 110% straight. What do I do? – Freaking Out

Anna says: Well, the polite thing to do in this situation is to send her copies of the grainy cell phone pictures you took of her drunken lesbian antics so she doesn’t see them for the first time on Facebook. That, and perhaps allowing her bathroom privileges are all that’s necessary in terms of being an exemplary casual sex host.

Oh, you mean the emotional ramifications of boning your best straight friend? That is slightly more complicated. First, as it’s been several days since you sent this, I hope you have stopped hiding in another room from your bang-buddy. If not, please do so now. You’ll get a cramp!

Also, since it’s been a few days, and the hangover has (presumably) worn off, now is the perfect time to have the “OMG, we got drunk and did things to each other naked!” talk. It’s a fun one, I promise, especially if you blacked out any or all portions of the evening. Here’s how to do it.

Don’t freak out

Stay calm. Sex between friends happens, especially when too much booze is involved. Not freaking out will help your “110% straight” friend not freak out either. And since you’re both such good friends, you’re comfortable having candid discussions about awkward topics, right? Good.

Keep it light

Sex with a friend CAN be a big deal, but it doesn’t have to be. Make a joke of it if you don’t know how to broach the discussion: “Hey Joan, just wanted to talk about the other night and make sure you’re not preggers.” There’s no need to act like one of you lost a limb or anything, but you should at least acknowledge that it happened and prepare for a little weirdness in the ensuing days/weeks.

Sort your feelings out

Make your intentions and feelings clear, whatever they may be, and listen to what she has to say in return. She’s probably freaking out a lot more than you are since that was her first time diving in the muff. Expect to field a few unanswerable questions from her like, “Am I gay now?!” or “Was it all those Tegan and Sara albums I listened to?!”

I would advise you not to fall in love with her, but fat chance you’ll listen to that! See here, here, and here, for instance.

After you’ve had your Feelings Talk, clear the air by grabbing a frap together. You deserve it, after being so adult and communicative and processy!

My BFF has been in a lesbian relationship (her first) for about 11 months now. Her GF (let’s call her M) was in a five-year domestic partnership with another woman before cheating on her ex with my bff. The very day after she officially broke up with her long-term partner, M was sleeping in my friend’s bed and saying she was the love of her life.

I am worried about their relationship and think they moved way too fast. About two weeks after dumping her ex, M and my friend were making plans for M to fly across the world to meet my friend’s family (which she did about a month later). They can’t be apart for even a few days without crying and complaining and having hours of Skype chats and long emails about how tortuous the time apart is. My bff has since brought her home to her family’s house on every vacation they’ve had since and expects her family and friends to spend time with them together instead of wanting (naturally) to spend time with her alone.

My friend moved in with M (after only two months together) and is completely emotionally and financially codependent on her. They have already talked about marriage. They not only live together, but also work together, so they literally spend 24 hours a day together. They have no non-mutual friends or hobbies that they pursue on a regular basis without each other. They are both obsessive about the relationship and my friend seems to have forgotten how to be herself. I want to tell my friend to slow down, because I think M has proven to be an emotional cheater, a liar, and a coward, and I don’t want my friend to end up in the same boat as M’s ex. I want my best friend – as an individual – back. PLEASE HELP!

Anna says: Oh girl. Let’s get the bad news out of the way first: This is your friend’s life and relationship. Ergo, there’s not a darn thing you can do about the decisions she makes and who she chooses to spend her time with. People in love do all kinds of crazy things – they move in after two months; they take extravagant cross-country trips; they ignore their besties and then complain about the “dreadful hours” spent apart from their beloveds. Your words and concerns aren’t going to convince your friend that her partner is an “emotional cheater, a liar, and a coward.” In fact, such an intervention will probably have the opposite effect and only alienate your friend from you further. So, don’t try. If M proves to be any of these less-than-flattering attributes, then your friend will figure that out on her own. I know it can be insanely difficult to watch a friend catapult herself into a relationship with someone you’re not wild about, but in the end, people are gonna do what they wanna do. Sometimes getting out of the way and hoping like hell for the best is the only option.

The good news is she’s been with M for 11 months now, which is a pretty long honeymoon phase by most people’s standards, meaning she’ll probably be snapping back to reality soon. You will get your friend back, slowly, in pieces and snip-snatches most likely, when she gets tired of spending every waking minute with her girlfriend, or when they have a fight and she needs advice, or some such thing.

The other good news is that you can and should talk to her about your friendship (the one between you and her that leaves M out of it). Tell her that you miss having one-on-one time with her and schedule an outing with just the two of you. As her friend, you are also allowed to express your concerns (and suggest she go to Surf Camp or some other hobby that doesn’t involve M), but once you’ve done so, you’ll have to let whatever happens happens, even if it’s not what you would do in her situation.

You want your friend to be happy, I imagine? If M makes her happy, then wish her the best. If M turns out to be a jerkmonster, then be there for your friend if it happens. If it’s making you batty to be around your friend and M right now, then take some time apart from them. Take a honeymoon with yourself – it’s fruitless and exhausting to get so worked up over a situation that doesn’t involve you. Might I suggest Surf Camp?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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