The Hook Up: Trust issues and how to deal with an ex at a social event


Dear Anna, My girlfriend and I have been together for two years and recently we decided to move in together. I thought it was a good decision but I keep rethinking it. She has become really good friends with one of her co-workers. All of her other co-workers make jokes about her friend having a crush on her. I know her friend really does have a crush on my girlfriend because she has openly stated it to my girlfriend a couple of times before.

My girlfriend always tells me there is nothing to worry about and that her friend would never disrespect our relationship, but I have a hard time trusting her. She has cheated before and my girlfriend has told me she likes the attention that her friend gives her when I’m away (we are long distance during the summer). I just don’t know if I should tell her that their relationship makes me uncomfortable, or if I should just accept it and try to trust her. — Trying to trust

Anna says: I think you should do both, Trying. You should be honest with your girlfriend about your insecurities and fears, and you should also try to trust her. It’s perfectly acceptable to tell your girlfriend that you’re uncomfortable with her flirtatious co-worker, especially one who has expressly stated she’s into your girlfriend. I think a great many people would be uncomfortable in such a situation, especially since you’re long-distance at the moment, where you’re more vulnerable to flirtations beyond your control.

You say your girlfriend has cheated in the past, but you don’t say if it was with you specifically or if it was when she was with another partner. If it was you she cheated on, then you have my permission to make a fuss about the co-worker and to try to make (reasonable) boundaries that you both agree upon. If it was with another partner, then you have less fuss-making ground to stand on. But either way, you should speak up. You’re allowed to feel your feelings, even if they are irrational or strange or unfounded. It doesn’t make you a jealous monster; it makes you human. And having those conversations with our partners is necessary to strengthen the romantic bonds you already have.

You live with her; you’ve been together two years. If she hasn’t given you a reason not to trust her, then give her the benefit of the doubt. I know the common adage is “once a cheater, always a cheater” but I don’t believe our relationships are so black and white. Besides if we all refused to date anyone who’d ever cheated on anybody, there would only be seven lesbians left to date in the world.

I’m not sure if this is the only reason you’re having qualms about living together, but hopefully airing and sharing some of your doubts will provide you with the clarity you need. If not, feel free to write back. I’ll be here until I’ve solved every queer girl problem in existence, so at least until July.

Is the G-spot a real thing? I’ve read about it, but have never experienced an orgasm that way. — Anon.

Anna says: It’s real if you count the medical establishment, MRI scans, biopsies, and sex researchers. If it’s not real, then a very strange and powerful lobby is trying to make us do the “come hither” motion during sex and then privately laughing at all of us for falling for it! But seriously, it’s real. And G-spot orgasms are real. And every woman is capable of experiencing a G-spot orgasm or intense sexual pleasure when the area is stroked. The G-spot becomes more prominent the more you’re aroused, so if you can’t find it, maybe try not to locate your G-spot while you’re doing the dishes or whatever.

For some people, it takes a lot of dedication and practice to truly appreciate the G-spot’s pleasure potential. It’s located along the upper vaginal wall, about an inch or two beyond the opening. It’s a smallish area, described often as feeling “like a walnut.” I can’t quite attest to that analogy though because I’ve sworn off feeling up nuts (HEYO). Once you’re good and turned on, insert a finger or two and play around in the area. You could try tapping it, making circles, or figure eights, but I’d recommend stopping before you get to the level where you’re spelling words out and having your partner try to guess what they are.

For more information and guidance on all things G, check out Violet Blue’s G-spot resource guide.

Dear Anna, I had a breakup recently and am pretty much sure that I’m going to run into my ex sooner than later because we run in similar circles and attend similar queer events. We’re on OK terms, but we’re not friend-friends. Since this can’t be avoided, what can I do to make our forced interactions as painless as possible? — Hates Small Talk and Small Worlds

Anna says: Travel as often as you can with an entourage of fabulous people. If you’re not Beyonce or don’t have an entourage for some reason, then at least travel with a wingwoman/man to important events. This person will help provide social lubricant if things get awkward. Avoid getting sloppy drunk during times you might run into her. If/when you see her, say hi first. Get it out of the way as soon as you can so you can enjoy the rest of your night without having to worry about the forced interaction. Be polite, but don’t linger — she probably doesn’t want to talk to you for very long either.

No matter how cool and composed she seems, remember that running into you post-breakup is awkward for her too. Don’t ask about her love life. When she asks how you’re doing, have a bullet list of awesome things you’ve been up to. If this list is actually “stalking her on Facebook and intermittently sobbing,” come up with other things! If she’s out with a new girl, don’t freak out (publicly. You can go home and freak out all you want, however). If seeing your ex with a new girl makes you sick to your stomach, then you don’t have to stay. Don’t attend your ex-girlfriend’s new girlfriend’s birthday party (or equivalent) just so you can show how much you’ve “moved on.” Hurt yourself on purpose as little as possible, basically. That’s all I got.

Readers, do you have other tips for the post-breakup run-in?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at

More you may like