It’s spring and we’re all antsy. If you’re somewhere like the east coast or midwest, you’ve suffered one of the most bullshit winters in recent memory — “bullshit,” of course, being a meteorological term for “cold.” If you’re in California, why are you talking to me? Unless you’re reaching out to offer your coach house where I can live rent free, in which case, have a seat. If you’re lucky enough to live somewhere like Arizona where spring is merely a metaphor, it’s time you shaved your legs (If you’re into that), brushed all of your teeth (even the back ones) and headed out to meet some girls. I’ll be your wingman.
Today’s lesson: how to locate your queer girl type at the gym.
“Oh, who is that on the row machine?”
Starting broad, picking the right gym is helpful, but as you’ll see, not essential. Briefly, you’ll find your Body Builder Lesbians at Gold’s, your Bicurious Dental Assistants at 24 Hour Fitness, and your Gym Resistant Gals at the Dunkin’ Donut’s across the street. In the midwest, many lesbians gravitate toward local chains or women-owned gyms. You know how lesbians love our independents. They claim these gyms are homey and that members benefit from one-on-one attention. Last time I tried one though, I found the owner was certified to teach YOGurtmaking not yoga, and her dog kept stealing the three-pound weights.
So we’re at the gym. Now, different areas attract different queer girls, for example, if you’re looking for the type who spells woman with a ‘Y’ head for the women only section if your gym has one. If you want a no nonsense dyke with the sort of forearms which could inspire a new world religion or at least a really good tumbler, check out the free-weight area. If you like your femmes high maintenance, the cardio machines are your target. And if you watch too much porn, no matter what I say, you’re already on your way to the steam room.
Now that we’ve covered the main areas of your gym, let’s talk about classes, or “Group X,” as we in the business say. Not only am I a spin instructor, but I’m a giant fan of Group X classes, mostly because I never got over graduating from college. Group X classes are a great way of feeling like you’re doing something with your life without actually doing something with your life. But in this case my existential crisis is your stroke of romantic luck. Over time, I’ve identified which class to take to target your queer of choice. (Let me just say here that if anyone ever tried to pick me up at the gym I wouldn’t notice because I tend to be insanely focused and if I did notice I’d most likely rebuff her. Talking to people while I’m sweaty is second only to coughing in public on my list of things to avoid. So once again, I’m a hypocrite. Please to enjoy my advice.)
Your Class: Werq/Hip Hop Aerobics
Your Class: Zumba
Your Class: Pole dancing
Your Class: Hula hoop
Your Class: Bollywood Dance Fitness
Your Class: Spin
Your Class: Yoga
Your Class: Pilates
Your Class: Cross Fit
I’ll take the keys to that coach house now.