Lesbianing with AE: Anxiety Over First Time Sex in a Long Distance Relationship

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Hi Lindsey,

I have been with my Long Distance girlfriend for 1 year and 4 months. We both in mid-20’s. She is amazing person. I have only visited her once because she doesn’t live close by or have her own space. I also live with a roommate at the moment.

I invited her to come visit me in few weeks from today and I have set-up every thing. My problem is: Last time I visited her we didn’t have sex – okay that was all me. I don’t understand what happened but my body was just stiff and I didn’t feel comfortable doing it all the way. We touched a bit but nothing much. She wanted more and I couldn’t give her that and she was sad thou she didn’t say that to me but I could tell.

So I think I am ready for anything and everything this time, hence I invited her to come to my city. But after I have finalised all the plans, now I am scared what if I can’t give her what she really want physically? would that be the end of our beautiful relationship we have without any physical stuff happening? What if I can’t satisfy her, would that be her deal breaker? We have spoke about making love and from what I got, she has been in charge from her last relationships and so have I. I always initiated. But with her, it look like one of us has to shift or change the roles (I really don’t know).

So help me up here. How can I relax and stop thinking about what could go wrong. How can I prepare myself for this very big visit of my lover. I really want her-yes in that way and I’ll be pissed if I mess it up again.

Thank you.

Get Physical

Dear Get Physical,

When you had sex with other women, what was that like?

You say she’s coming to visit you and you have a roommate — were you intimate in this situation before, or were you alone when you had sex before (i.e. you got a hotel room or she had her own place?)

Had you been with those women for a long time or was it more casual and free-flowing?

There’s no wrong answer here but where things are different now might point out areas to explore either before she comes to visit you or while she’s visiting.

Where things are different now might point out areas to explore either before she comes to visit you or while she’s visiting.

Start with what’s working. You want her BAD. That’s great. You’re horny as hell after 16 months of dating her and she is too. There’s physical chemistry – she wanted more. You maybe weren’t into what was happening when it was happening, but you want a second chance.

Then think about what was not working and what you can change. You can’t change your living situation but can you rent a hotel for the night so you can be alone? Can you talk to your roommate and get them to clear out for the night so you know you two can get it on in privacy at least until the stroke of midnight (or whatever pre-arranged time you and your roommate decide on)?

The top-bottom thing. Are you comfortable letting her take control of you in bed? If you’ve gotten used to a certain kind of sex it can be disorienting to have something different going on. Perhaps for this first time you should take control – set it up by apologizing for getting scared, then ask her to let you make up for your hesitation last time by taking care of her needs.

Are you comfortable letting her take control of you in bed? If you’ve gotten used to a certain kind of sex it can be disorienting to have something different going on. Perhaps for this first time you should take control – set it up by apologizing for getting scared, then ask her to let you make up for your hesitation last time by taking care of her needs.

Or you can tell her that you were scared because….and you really DO want her and you are ready this time, and then work on letting go and being ready when she puts the moves on you. 

Sex has a way of happening all on its own once you give it that initial push. So she may undress you and push you on the bed, but there’s nothing stopping you from rolling over, getting on top of her and taking a turn at being in control. Don’t let the dynamics of who is on top push you into overthinking it.

All these questions and all your worries, though….. you’re long-distance. It’s been that way for a long time and you don’t get to see one another often. You haven’t been intimate yet. There are a lot of what-ifs here. You may have incredible sex and it could end in six months because she wants someone she can see more than once every eight months.

I don’t know how compatible you are in other ways and how big the lesbian community is where you are, but only she can say if the relationship you two have is working for her – and same goes for you. In some ways, this lets you off the hook with your performance anxiety.

So enjoy your visit and go get physical – and we hope it works out for ya! 

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