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No, Straight People Can’t Be Queer

Can straight people be queer?

Can cats be dogs?

Can up be down?

Can I discuss the staggering stupidity of this question without being snarky?

No.

Last year, Vice ran “Can Straight People Be Queer?”, an analytical abortion that grasps at the incorrect answer to an obvious question. Blame cannot be placed on the writer, but on the very notion, for there is no smart way to support an idiotic concept. I fear that the LGBTQ community is too polite, too willing to humor the very special snowflakes hell bent on reappropriating our very identity. We are tired of fighting, and we thought we won. We wonder if we really have the energy to stand against people who claim to be allies.

Three groups are especially eager to redefine queer. First, straight men who dress in women’s clothing for attention, entertainment, and profit. We’ll get to them later. Second, demisexuals: straight people who only have sex with people they love, which is new and revolutionary except in the sense that it is the foundation of traditional marriage. Third, the kink community: to them I can only say: I can imagine nothing less relevant to my lesbian identity than a straight couple in latex.

You can be queer and do drag, identify as demisexual, and be kinky. But being kinky, demisexual, or in drag does not make you queer. While I compassionate towards your normal human feelings of alienation, I don’t prioritize them over the identity of a marginalized minority. There’s no reason to indulge the odious Rachel Dolezals of sexual orientation.

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After clawing our way to equality, it is enormously frustrating for the queer community to face assimilation into invisibility. The movement to redefine queer to include straight people is a larval, self-involved knot that does not move so much as sit, day after day, contemplating their own uniqueness with narcotic rapture. They bear queer people no ill will unless we disagree with them. Then they can get very, very nasty.

What disturbs me most is the entitlement oozing from this feckless horde when actual queer people assert the boundaries of our identity. Beneath the backlash is a venomous current of disbelief. When they say:

“If you’re queer, I can be queer.”

“I thought you were inclusive.”

“But I’m an ally.”

“I relate to you.”

“I’m different, too.”

What they mean is:

“Who are you uppity faggots not to want me? A normal person willing to take on your less desirable status as my own? Don’t you know who I am? Aren’t you grateful after all I’ve given you?”

Let me make something clear, because there seems to be some confusion on both sides. Queer people don’t owe straight people shit. Equality is not their gift to us; it is our right. You do not get a cookie because you are no longer actively oppressing us. Straight people did not give queer people human rights. We took them.

Straight people who identify as queer, like white women who identify as black, are not self-aware. When a member of a majority appropriates a minority identity and then dismisses any disapproving member of that minority, that is exactly what they mean. Yet whether they know it or not, deep down, this is what they feel. That’s why this piece will make them so angry. It strips the gold plating off a crock of shit.

The article begins by discussing-who else?-the teenage children of celebrities: “Jaden Smith became the face for Louis Vuitton womenswear in January, and now he posts Instagram photos of himself wearing dresses and standing on fire hydrants.” He is straight, 17 years old, and incoherent.

Sixteen-year-old Lily Rose-Depp “said her sexuality fell somewhere on a ‘vast spectrum’ which many took to mean she was announcing her sexuality. She has since come in again, clarifying that she was doing the exact opposite: ‘I was literally doing it just to say that you don’t have to label your sexuality; so many kids these days are not labeling their sexuality, and I think that’s so cool.'” Ah, THE SEXUAL SPECTRUM. How I adore it when straight people tell us about the spectrum. Gripping stuff.

“Can straight people be queer” continues:

“Being queer is not the same as being gay. Queer means lots of things to lots of different people. Its definition defies any meaning that is pinned to it. For many, it is a political persuasion as well as a sexual one. There are plenty of gays who don’t identify as queer-who wouldn’t subscribe to gay marriage, for instance.”

A moment of silence for that last sentence.

Anywho, yes, being queer is not the same as being gay. Being gay means being only into the same gender. Being queer means being into, but not necessarily only into the same gender and/or gender non-conforming. Both can include the trans community. I’m sure there’s a Venn diagram somewhere if you need further clarification. The point is, being queer requires not being a cisgender heterosexual. That is the MINIMUM.

“Can Straight People Be Queer?” takes a brief rational detour:

“For someone who is homosexual and queer, a straight person identifying as queer can feel like choosing to appropriate the good bits, the cultural and political cache, the clothes and the sound of gay culture, without the laugh riot of gay-bashing, teen shame, adult shame, shame-shame, and the internalized homophobia of lived gay experience.”

Yes, that is exactly what it is.

Before quickly backpedaling:

“But because the word queer means something different to everyone, it’s hard working out whether you should be angry at someone for using it in a way you don’t expect them to.”

I actually find it quite easy to work this one out. Words have meanings. These meanings are real. You can’t just say “words can mean whatever I want WOOHOO KITTENS ARE SHARKS AND HABERDASHERY MEANS DEATH.” You cannot undermine the foundation of language because the internet. The fundamentals of human communication will not be altered to justify anyone’s solipsistic, self-involved view.

This reminds me of a recent conversation I had with a bro about feminism. It went something like

Me: I’m a feminist.

Dude: I’m not a feminist, but I’m all for equal rights for men and women.

Me: That’s what feminism means.

Dude: Yeah, but that’s not like what a lot of people’s perception of feminism is.

Me: But that’s, like, what the definition of feminism is in a dictionary, so it is what it means. You can say you don’t perceive there to be oxygen in this room but bitch, you are breathing.

I don’t know why I don’t have more straight guy friends.

“Can Straight People Be Queer?” then devotes several paragraphs to a straight man who does drag as a comedy bit. This makes many gay people angry, you know, the queer people who created drag but that’s just because their concept of queerness is so limited and flawed. Stupid queer people thinking they know queer culture.

Then we move on the first actual queer person discussed in this piece. She’s a punk musician who identifies as bisexual to straight people and queer to queer people because straight people have trouble grasping queerness.

“Queer is a very broad term that encompasses many aspects of sexual and gender identity,” Hollis says. “Society needs to be deprogrammed, subverted, or queered, and that involves a process of unlearning and de-conditioning white supremacist, cisnormative, and heteronormative behavior and values. Straight and cisgender people engaged in that work could be considered queer but I feel it’s not a label/identity cis and straight people are entitled to claim, more one that they need to earn.”

This is a thoughtful point, but I must disagree with the notion that straight people can “earn” a queer identity. It isn’t a girl scout badge. Just as straight allies are not gay, no matter how much money they donate to GLAAD, straight people cannot be queer, no matter how many pictures they post of themselves on the internet in gender non-conforming outfits. Queerness is not about your outfit or your political beliefs. As Tyler Durden once said, sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.

“Can Straight People Be Queer?” concludes that since straight people want to be queer, they are queer, we can just go find a new identity and give them ours. How about bisexual? Amandla Stenberg is bisexual, and she was in The Hunger Games. While bisexuals are a wonderful and valued part of the queer and LGBTQ community, I don’t think changing the definition of bisexual so straight people can have queer is a reasonable or realistic idea. How about we keep queer AND bisexual, and straight people can continue making up their own words to adequately encompass how special they are. If people don’t immediately cherish and accept these new terms well hey, that’s all part of the minority experience.

If we allow queer to be appropriated, we will surrender our identity and allow ourselves be bullied into a lie. Queer started as a slur. We took it back. We gave it power. We gave it pride. It’s ours. We are allowed some things. Queer people have the right to our own identity, our own culture, our own definitions.

Even if you don’t identify as queer, if you are part of the LGBTQ community, you should stand up for your people. We should take pride in our differences, not erase them. We should celebrate our identity, not deny it. If there were no lines or differences, there would be no rainbow. It would blur and muddle together, no bright colors, just a brown smear as dull and unremarkable as shit on the bathroom wall. Queer has meaning. It once meant something ugly and cruel. We made it lovely and special.I just don’t think we should be so quick to give that up.

*Originally published 2/22/16.

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