Lez celebrate Halloween

It’s that time of year again, ladies. You’re agonizing over the fact that you’ve outgrown the stage where you used to be able to put “slutty” in front of any old costume — librarian, trucker, lumberjack, blogger — and it’d be (kind of) socially acceptable. If you still think it’s acceptable, you’re wrong.

But never fear, AfterEllen.com is here to help you! We take a look at some ordinary Halloween costumes and give them lesbian twists, inspired by both famous queer women and our own dykey Halloween costumes.

Now, a doctor or nurse costume is boring. But a bisexual, strange women-seducing, medically brilliant doctor is much more intriguing. White lab coat, suspenders, enrapturing brooding eyes, and voila: Thirteen!

If you’re the bubblier type, don some scrubs and a girlfriend (whom you never kiss, because lesbians never show affection like straight people), and poof, you’re Dr. Callie Torres!

Every sorority girl and her mom are going as a Catholic school girl, but if you shamelessly profess your love for your hot female professor, you can be Annabelle from Loving Annabelle. Sleeping with her and getting caught by the (slutty?) head nun is optional. Disciplinary action and lawsuit likely.

Hey, have you tried looking Shane today? Don’t wash your hair for like 5 days, dump a bottle of product on it and do somersaults until you’ve achieved maximum sex hair. Don’t even think about wearing a bra (if you even wear one to begin with), try a see-through white V-neck, baggy skinny jeans and lots and lots of eye make up. If you play your cards right, you can screw the candy corn and screw something else.

AE blogger The Linster points out that “lesbian vampires will be plentiful this year” (like every year), so why not get a head start and be Jennifer from Jennifer’s Body? Important: must be willing to use fake blood and kiss hot, unsuspecting girls.

If you’ve already U-Hauled with a special lady (I’m not bitter or anything), you can go as a famous lezcouple: Ellen, the lezgar, and Portia, Sam Ronson and LiLo, Spashley, Otalia or Gia Carangi and Linda (try to keep your clothes on, though).

Here at AfterEllen.com, I’m going as the most lesbian-ish man ever, MJ (I have the hair, so let’s make it official); alley hector is throwing it back to the ’80s a la Punky Brewster; and Dorothy Snarker is putting rocks in her overcoat pockets and carrying A Room of One’s Own, aka Virgina Woolf just about to drown herself — morbid, I know. Just don’t dress up like Velma and have your Daphne leave you for Shaggy, like what happened to poor Hornito.

What will you be dressing up as for Halloween this year?

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