Let Kim Cattrall be your guide

 
 

When I learned that Kim Cattrall is going to be the new voice of the TomTom GPS navigation system, I couldn’t help but wonder: Will all of her directions be given in that sex-laden Samantha Jones voice?

Then I began to imagine how fun it would be if, in addition to providing directions, Cattrall’s TomTom voice occasionally blurted out some of Samantha Jones’ best lines from Sex and the City.

“Babies aren’t my thing, and from what I can tell, this one’s an a–hole. “

“Oh, come on. If you’re going to get a vibrator at least get one called ‘The Horse.’”

“You see? This is how it starts. Next thing you know, we’re only having sex three or four times a week. “

From there, my imagination made the easy transition to wondering which other voices would sound excellent in my car. Gina Vivinetto helped me divide the voices into three categories: sultry, stern taskmasters and good company.

Sultry are the voices that could cause you to drive right off the road, or as Dorothy Snarker put it, into a brick wall if the voice — Jodie Foster‘s, in Snarker’s case — told you to. I added Keira Knightley and Salma Hayek to the list because, oh, how their accents slay me.

The stern taskmasters have voices that command your attention and obedience. If, for example, Judi Dench or Tennessee Lady Vols coach Pat Summitt commanded you to switch lanes and drive head-on into oncoming traffic, you would absolutely do it. Simone Lahbib was a tricky one to place. Her lilt makes me swoon, but no matter where I am when I hear Helen Stewart bark at Nikki Wade to “Sit down!” I take a seat immediately. Stern won out over sultry, even though there’s really no delineation in my mind.

The women in the “good company” category have the kind of voices that would be great for a long cross-country trip. Meg Ryan is a shoo-in for this category. Andie MacDowell has a special place in my heart because I, too, have the hangings on of a Southern accent. I’ve always loved to hear Jennifer Hudson speak.

Tell us: Which voices would sound great coming from your GPS, and which ones would make you drive right into a lake?

 
 

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