Lesbian Scientistics: TV Characters on the issues

 
 

Last week, when Republican presidential nominee John McCain named Sarah Palin as his running mate, reporters and bloggers immediately began calling the Alaskan governor a Tina Fey look-alike. Just the mention of Fey in relation to the White House sent millions of people into fantasy overload as they began pondering what Fey’s 30 Rock character, Liz Lemon, would make of being America’s vice president.

Fantasizing about a fictional character as vice president is ridiculous, of course. If you’re going to fantasize, why not go all the way and envision a full-on dream president!

Our Lesbian Scientistics team vetted a dozen female television characters for president this week. We’ve narrowed down our choices to four. First, we’ll offer you a sampling of their stances on various issues, by sharing quotes straight from their mouths. Then we’ll see how they measure up against one another. Then, of course, you can vote for one of them in the comments. (Or write in your own choice!)

LESBIAN SCIENTISTICS POTUS CANDIDATES:

Wilhelmina Slater, Ugly Betty

Administration appointments: “That is the absolute cruelest thing I’ve ever seen. Someone’s getting a raise!”

Minimum wage: “Who do you think denied you a raise for the past two years? Cut your vacation time? Who do you think hacked into your computer and canceled your subscription to DudeCruise?”

Global warming: “Snow is a magical blanket — it hides what’s ugly and makes everything beautiful.”

Foreign policy:

Wilhelmina: “Mark, I need you to go down to the closet and tell the drunken Irish woman to bring out my gown for the Halloween Ball.”
Mark: “She’s Scottish actually.”
Wilhelmina: “Don’t care.”

Economy: “Poor people are so cheap.”

Race relations: “Let’s not talk around it like a couple of dull white people.”

Sophia Petrillo, The Golden Girls

Freedom of speech: “Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I’d run around naked.”

Health care:

Sophia: “Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?”
Blanche: “Yeah.”
Sophia: “You can still walk, can’t you?”
Blanche: “That’s true.”
Sophia: “Great, go get me a glass of water.”

Campaign slogan: “Look, you didn’t ask me for my opinion, but I’m old, so I’m giving it anyway.”

Foreign policy: “Picture it… Sicily.”

Would-be acceptance speech:

Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

Bette Porter, The L Word

Race relations: “Who the f–k are you calling ‘Brown Barbie’? You f—–g Carmelita Tropicana.”

Military intervention: “We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Ms. Lara Perkins.”

Potential reaction to smear campaign launched by opponent: “No, it’s fine. It’s fiction, right? I mean, it’s fiction.”

Potential reaction when challenged in a debate: “I can’t answer your f—ing question. You know why? Because it’s not me, it’s not me — and apart from anything else, I am frankly…f—ing flabbergasted, I am flabbergasted… OK? Was Mary f—ing Poppins not available?”

Personal philosophy: “Everyone’s a control freak. It’s what you have to do to get things done.”

Campaign slogan: I’m a bombastic bully.

Education: “It’s not even grammatically correct, f—ing idiot!”

Phoebe Buffay, Friends

Energy crisis:

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La-la-la-la-la-la…

Unemployment:

Terry’s a jerk
And he won’t let me work
And I hate Central Perk!

Abstinence education:

There’ll be times when you get older
And you’ll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON’T
‘Cause that’s another thing that you don’t wanna do
That’s another thing that you don’t wanna do

Health care:

It only takes two heart attacks
to finally make you see
one of them won’t do it
but the second will set you free
Tell all your hate and anger
it’s time to say good bye
and that is just what I will do
as soon as those bastards I work for die
Lalalalalalalalalala…

Foreign policy:

And there’s a country called Argentina
It’s a place I’ve never seen
But I’m told for 50 pesos
You can buy a human spleeeeen
Human spleen!
Olé!

Inter-partisan cooperation:

Bam-bam, don’t take no for an answer
Bam-bam, don’t let love fly away
Bam-bam-bam-bam.

LESBIAN SCIENTISTICS POTUS COMPARISONS:

We’ve done the research, now it’s up to you. Which television character would make the best president?

 
 

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