Lesbian innuendos and Kristen Stewart win big at the MTV Movie Awards

Last night, the MTV Movie Awards aired live from L.A. and were generally uneventful, barring a few lesbian-ish moments and a sneak peek of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. If you didn’t tune in, don’t worry — I watched it so that you won’t have to waste your time at your desk streaming the show.

In sum, the show was a bro-fest with plenty of bromance, bromo-eroticism, and more phallic gestures than my poor lesbian eyes could handle, bro. Oh yeah, and the Twilight hooligans were all over the place. Please turn into bats and fly away. Thanks.

To make the official recap from a queer woman’s lens easier to digest, I’ve broken it down into three sections: red carpet, awards, and performances.

Red carpet

Considering the show was dominated by the dudes, there was obviously a dearth of ladies (Though I did love host Aziz Ansari. That dude is funny). Note: I’m going to ignore the reality “stars” who represent the reason why MTV never plays music anymore, and stick to A- through D-List non-reality-star celebs.

Some memorable looks included Elizabeth Reaser, Jessica Alba, Anna Kendrick, Lindsay Lohan, Eva Mendes and Kristen Stewart.


Memorable” means Elizabeth Reaser looked boss in her romper, while Lindsay Lohan could have consulted a stylist. To each her own, though, and nothing but love here.

Awards

Best Female Performance: Kicking off the night was Kristen Stewart for New Moon. Shocker! She totally snubbed date Robert Pattinson, who was going in for the congratulatory hug, on her way up to make an awkward-yet-lovable speech. This was only the beginning of KStew and Twilight crew’s domination of awards for a total of six.

Breakout Star: The completely adorable Anna Kendrick won for Up in the Air.

Best Scared-As-Sh-t Performance: What a random category! Amanda Seyfried won for her close encounters with one very angry/hungry Megan Fox in Jennifer’s Body, and said even though no one saw the film, “I had a really — believe it or not — good time making this movie.” Making Jennifer’s Body with the opportunity to snog Megan Fox is a good time? Yeah, real hard to believe, Amanda.

Best Kiss: While this should have gone to KStew and Dakota Fanning for their Runaways smooch, spider monkey Bella and her vampire boy-toy Edward won instead. Predictable.

The Generation Award: No, not an award for “old people who’ve overstayed their welcome,” it’s for awesome people like Miss Congeniality herself, Sandra Bullock. Betty White informs us that her and Bullock’s scrapped sex scenes from The Proposal will be included in the unrated DVD version. Betty White, not any of the bros, was the only person who effectively made me LOL when she recalled all of Bullock’s great movie roles, including her portrayal of Stevie Wonder in The Blind Side. Sandra Bullock is such a stand-up gal and instead of going into the turmoil consuming personal life, she kissed the wife of her Proposal co-star Ryan Reynolds on the mouth. That was obviously the only reason why Scarlett Johansson was up on stage with presenters Betty White and Bradley Cooper. I can’t say I’ll ever get tired of Sandy kissing other ladies.

Performances

JLo returned to the stage after a baby-making hiatus — mama was lookin’ fly as ever — with Tom Cruise dressed as his reprise role of sleaze ball producer Les Grossman from Tropic Thunder. Thank goodness for Jenny-from-the-block significantly increasing the hotness factor.

Katy Perry‘s performance of “California Gurls” was so hot it melted my popsicle. And yes, Perry, too, kept cleverly making phallic gestures. That’s what you get for being engaged to Russell Brand: penis jokes and a potty mouth.

Christina Aguliera forgot her lyrics, pulled an Adam Lambert-style fellatio simulation, and had a light-up red heart glowing on her hoo-ha. I’m excited for Xtina’s new album, but by the looks of her new trying-too-hard approach to hype up Tuesday’s Bionic release, I may be disappointed.

Lesbian-ish quote: “Megan Fox, I have always wanted to f–k you. And when you threw up on Amanda Seyfried in Jennifer’s Body, it made me want to f–k you more. Wherever you are tonight, I’m gonna find you and f–k you” — Scott Pilgrim vs. The World star Aubrey Plaza, when checking if the censors were awake.

If you sat through all three hours, kudos! What did you think of the night? Any favorite moments?

Tags: ,