However, we soon learn that I apparently have my lesbian wires crossed, because it’s not Gillian that loves the ladies, but in fact Headmistress Caroline. She calls Kate, one of her teachers, into her office for a sitdown, which Kate remarks is “rather formal.” As they sit across from one another, Caroline informs Kate that her husband has returned, and that she’s taken him in — for the kids’ sake, she says. Kate — who is beautiful, FYI — remains skeptical but rather calm and steady during all of this news, barely batting an eyelash. It’s only when Caroline gets to this painful line: “I’m very…fond of you, you know that,” that Kate breaks her poker face for a moment to glance down in this disappointment. Caroline says that she doesn’t think she can “do this” any longer. They can still be friends, of course, but “the other thing, it’s–it’s not me.” She continues to clarify: “I mean, it’s not not me; I’m just not ready to go there.” Tell us Caroline, how far exactly have you and Kate already traveled on the way to there?
So I’m going to choose my cheating ex-husband over your wonderful face.
Oh. Right then.
Caroline is played by Sarah Lancashire, who has been in a number of all things British, including a whopping 268 episodes of Coronation Street. (Holy crap!) But I knew I also recognized Kate, played by Nina Sosanya, who it appears has also played a great many British TV roles. But after searching through all of those numerous gigs, I’ve come to the conclusion that the one my American eyes actually recognize her from is as Hugh Grant’s aide in Love, Actually. (Don’t hate me, Brits!) Speaking of, is it time to watch Love, Actually again yet?
Later that day as Caroline arrives home, she finds a note tucked in her back. It reads thus:
“I’ve been indiscreet. Don’t hate me.”
Our lovebirds Celia and Alan, meanwhile, have been having quite the day in Skipton, what with Alan’s car getting stolen and then Celia leading them on an old person car chase around the narrow streets to take it back, all of which is quite hilarious somehow, and which ends up in a small crash.
Skipton is pretty, you guys!
Well, at least we got your car back.
This is all okay, because no one has a heart attack or anything even though Alan hyperventilates a little, and the two of them simply get to bond even more while they wait to take statements at the police station. They so totally love each other! It does mean, however, that both of their daughters will have to come pick them up. As Caroline drives near, we get to hear a pleasant phone conversation between her and Kate, where she yells, “You told Michael bloody Dobson of all people! That insidious little prick! No, Kate, I’m delighted, I’m thrilled. I’m over the bloody moon! I’ve got to go, I’m going, I’m driving.” And then she tosses her phone to the ground in a huff. Girlfriends, Kate, amIright?
Pissed off Caroline only gets more pissed off as she prepares to back up into a parking space in front of the cafe where Alan and Celia are waiting and staring into each other’s lovey dovey eyes. As she’s about to glide in, Gillian and her son drive up in their Lesbianmobile and sneak right in first. Caroline sputters in rage; Gillian says, “Emergency, sorry!,” smiles, and walks off. Caroline continues to sputter, leaving her car in the middle of the road.
She sputters all the way into the cafe moments later, in fact, just missing Gillian saying hi to her dad. After yelling at Gillian for “the most selfish, mindless piece of driving I have ever witnessed,” Caroline then calls Gillian an idiot, and Gillian calls Caroline a snotty bitch. What a perfect first meeting! So much anger and disgust and tension! I ship them even more now!
The lovebirds react like this:
Caroline then puts on her nice face and Headteacher Voice for the old people, introducing herself sweetly to Alan and smoothly throwing in this last piece of pure bitchy gold: “We’re going to have to go. Some brain-dead, low life trailer trash stole my parking space.” Ha! Alan then officially introduces that piece of trailer trash as his daughter. Awkward! As a moment of remorse crosses Caroline’s face, Gillian quips, “I’ve met Caroline.”
The oldies then clear their throats and attempt to move on, because they have bigger news than stolen parking spaces to share. They take each other’s hands and turn to their daughters to announce: “We’re getting married.”
Aaaand end scene!
Tune in again next week to find out the wedding details, if Michael bloody Dobson really is an insidious prick, and if Caroline chooses Gillian or Kate! (OK, it probably won’t be Gillian.)