Celia has finally run out of things to say at that point, except to remark that she and Alan have decided against getting married in Caroline’s school’s chapel, as had been previously agreed upon. This appears to be news to Alan. Indeed, all of this seems to be news to Alan. And the next scene we see is him arriving to Halifax by train, alone. He meets Gillian, and they go to a pub, a pub where I would like to be drinking some pints right now, too.
Alan relays all the news to Gillian, including the fact that Celia also wants to move out of her cottage next to Caroline’s house ASAP. Gillian asks the obvious question: “What, is she afraid she’s going to get infected with lesbian spores?” The Lesbian Spores = my newest band name. Sorry, I took it first!
Shockingly, the woman in the flannel shirt does not seem that afraid of lesbian spores.
Not related to anything but important: Nicola Walker’s eyes and face in general look so wonderful here I can hardly stand it.
More related, and also important: It’s clear that Alan is deeply upset by all this. Which makes me want him as my own honorary grandpa even more.
Meanwhile at Caroline’s house, John wanders in and slumps against the kitchen counter to have a conversation with Caroline about what she thought about during all those thousands of times they had sex. You see, John is feeling downright mopey because he thinks this is all about penis and men feel so sad when they feel their penises are inadequate. Caroline assures him it’s not a reflection on him, if that’s what he’s worried about. John sighs and looks at the floor and slumps even more. He says he feels used. Caroline’s face reacts like this:
To emphasize the point that it was in fact she who was used for too long, Caroline decides now is a good time to explain how she spent last night helping Judith around to her flat. When John asks why she was at Judith’s flat, she responds, “I was having sex with her.” She allows a few seconds of horror to wash over John’s face before informing him it was a joke. *slaps knee* Holy crap, is Caroline hilarious. I don’t know what’s better, this or the Zanzibar line, but they are both damn good.
When John accuses Caroline of always bringing things back to herself, she also knocks out this killer line, which I want on a banner, or a bumper sticker, or a tattoo or something: “Yes, well, I have the great advantage of having me on my side.” BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE! ALL HAIL CAROLINE.
Alan eventually does pressure Celia into meeting Kate; Caroline says she’ll cook dinner for everybody, minus John. She tells Kate about it as they walk down the school corridor, right before she bursts into a rowdy classroom and starts yelling something in Latin at the frightened children in the loudest, angriest Teacher Voice I may have ever heard and yeah basically Caroline is hot. In case this wasn’t already established.