“Las Aparicio” recap: Episodes 67-69

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When last we left them, Armando and Mariana were drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. When next we see them, they are drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. They’ve gone through at least ten or fifteen sheets of paper in the process of drawing out their entire plan, so you know it’s very serious.

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At some point, Armando tries to get Mariana to kiss him but Mariana reminds him that there are still one or two lesbians left on television who actually know the meaning of the word “lesbian.” They then set out to explain polyamory to each other by drawing a lot of dots on the paper and high-fiving each other.

Eventually, they fall asleep on the same bed and admit that they miss Julia. Armando reminds her of the pact they made, which is unbreakable and eternal and even sparkles in the daylight.

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Julia, meanwhile, is in her bedroom watching that video Mariana made many episodes ago where she talked about how her love already had a love. That video always reminds me of Xena singing to Gabrielle, “The love of your love is you,” which is quite possibly the gayest thing ever. Also, it makes me think perhaps this whole situation would be resolved if Julia and Mariana went into the underworld and sang out their feelings.

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Julia: What am I doing? I’m going to lose them both.

Don’t think like that, Julia. You’re made of Aparicio magic, which means people will follow you to the ends of the Earth and humor your every crazy whim no matter how many times you hurt them. It’s what makes you a special and unique snowflake.

The next morning, Julia asks if no one called her.

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Rafaela: No one, Mariana? Or no one, Armando?

Julia tries to play it cool by saying that she wasn’t referring to either one of them, though we all know that’s a lie. Aurelia informs her that Mariana did stop by, which gets Julia all bouncy and excited until Rafaela reveals that it was only to drop off Julia’s share of the paycheck.

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Julia is all “woe is me” because Mariana doesn’t want to see her. Her pity party lasts approximately half a second because no one RSVPs. Rafaela decides to kick her while she’s down by telling her that Mariana is just trying to stay away from the pain.

Julia: Excuse me, mom! Are you saying I’m the pain?
Rafaela: Yes, that’s what I’m saying. And I’ll also let you know that I told Marianita to stay away from you.
Julia: Whaaaaaaat?? Why would you do that?!

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It’s quite simple, Julia: Your mother wants you to stop being a selfish jerkazoid. We all do.

Rafaela: You can’t keep playing with yourself or with Mariana or with that mindless Armando.

She then suggests that Julia get to know herself and what she wants out of life before attempting to get back into a relationship. Personal development and self-growth are not high on Julia Aparicio’s life goals so this advice doesn’t go over well.

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