L.A. Scene October ’09: Gay Bingo, Lesbian Attack, and Honoring Wanda Sykes


Lesbian Attack

And the Genius Award goes to … Lesbian Attack. The concept is simple. Every month an e-blast goes out to hundreds of lesbians, instructing them to show up at a super-straight watering hole on a designated night. The bar is not alerted in advance. Sadly, neither is the valet.

Bogged down by my move, a topic that is surely as riveting to you as it is to me, I showed up late to the giant sports bar, El Guapo Cantina. Big mistake. The lateness, that is.

I pulled my houseware-laden Corolla up to the completely full parking area, alongside dozens of ambivalent looking lesbians and comedian Pat Branch. Many of my clearly drunk friends appeared on the second floor balcony and proceeded to scream “helpful” parking hints at me. Tres slick. In their defense, it’s hard to command respect when you’re showing up to sports bars in the middle of the night with a fondue pot in your passenger seat.

El Guapo is the kind of place you’re likely to find rowdy, recently retired frat boys who hit their stride during Spring Break ’08. In an attempt to recapture those glory days, they and their halter-top clad co-eds show up for the big screen football and stay for the beer pong.

When I finally hiked back to the bar from my parking spot just outside of Seattle, a steady stream of stunned straights was flowing out the door. A number of more sporting heteros remained, if I had to profile, I’d say one in four. The rest were lesbians of every description. All the usual suspects were there, in addition to hundreds of new faces. Locating my friends proved too time-consuming so I made new ones.

At the bar I encountered a couple deeply entrenched in a make-out session, backlit by the football screens. They came up for air to tell me that if I wanted a drink I’d have to be aggressive.

The happy couple at Lesbian Attack

Before I could try that, one of them said “never mind, I’ll do it” and jumped onto the bar and demanded the frazzled bartender produce my drink, pronto. Which he did, pronto.

The party raged until closing and a good time was had by all. Well, maybe not by all bartenders, but they probably made a fortune. Although the primary mission of the “attacks” is to have fun, hopefully there is something more meaningful to be gained from aggressive integration of the gay and straight worlds. Check it out on Facebook if you want to join the next attack. The group is called something obvious like “Lesbian Attack.” I could look it up right now but I’m busy. Did I mention I’m moving?

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