Kate Moss: The Movie?

If precious metals are a safe bet in today’s tumbling market, then you should put your money on Kate Moss. Sculptor Marc Quinn has captured her likeness in solid gold (a life-size statue called “Siren,” now on display at the British Museum), and soon she’s going to be immortalized on the silver screen as well. A group of Hollywood producers wants to make a movie about Moss and her Primrose Hill pals Sienna Miller, Sadie Frost, Rhys Ifans and company.

Apparently the filmmakers on board for this project are the same ones who brought us Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Knocked Up and Superbad. Maybe it will end up being a crass comedy with a big heart and some doughy male nudity. But that’s just a wild guess, so you can’t hold me to it. Anyway, back to your investment. Let’s take a look at the movie-friendly themes that the life of Kate Moss has to offer.

Overcoming adversity: For the most part, young ladies of short-to-average stature tend to cross “supermodel” off their list of potential careers. Yet Moss, a dwarf of a model at 5’6″, is currently the second-highest paid model in the world (only the 5’11″ Gisele Bundchen earns more), thus showing little girls everywhere that you don’t have to be tall to be a model. Emaciated, yes, but not tall!

Becoming an icon: In the ’90s, the fashion world was addicted to heroin chic, and Moss was its pale-skinned, dark-eyed, bony beauty.

Getting caught in a drug scandal: Throughout her career, Moss has faced rumors of drug use. But career damage doesn’t come from rumors; it comes from photographic evidence. And in 2005 London’s Daily Mirror published just that: photos of Moss with her nose hovering perilously close to some lines of cocaine. Controversy ensued. Moss responded with a somewhat evasive apology, but the damage had already been done. Once the modeling companies overcame their shock and disbelief, they dropped her like a bad habit, as it were.

Making a comeback: Somehow the whole cocaine scandal thing did eventually, um, blow over. Within a year Moss, managed to nab 18 top modeling contracts, and now she’s making more money than ever before. But kids, don’t do drugs. I don’t know why not, just don’t!

Dating rock stars: Moss was briefly engaged to Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty, who seems to spend at least as much time in the back of a police car for drug-related offenses as he does in a recording studio or on a stage. Her current boyfriend, guitarist Jamie Hince of The Kills, is a bit more restrained: He reportedly insisted that Moss either tone down her partying or hit the road. Who knows — maybe if Moss really cleans up her act she can set her sights on a Jonas brother.

Making enemies: PETA denounced Moss for wearing fur. Bill Clinton criticized her for glamorizing drug use. Women everywhere bristle at her repeated eating-disorder denials. If those examples don’t scream “Christ figure,” then I don’t know what does.

Well that should be enough sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll to entertain me for two hours. What do you think? Would you see a movie about Kate Moss? Does she inspire you? Or do you just want to feed her a cheeseburger?

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