J.K. Rowling plans to publish “Tales of Beedle the Bard”

Oh, J.K. Rowling, no one in the world loves you more than I do.

OK, maybe your husband and your children love you a lot — but aside from those guys, I love you most.

When I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, oh, how I cried, and cheered, and laughed, and loved you. When Dumbledore bequeathed Hermione the wizarding children’s book The Tales of Beedle the Bard, I hoped in my soul that one day you would write that book, and not just use it as a plot device — especially the tale of Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump.

Well, you did write it, but you only made seven copies. Seven hand-written, hand-illustrated copies, by you, J.K. Rowling, whom I love. You gave six of those books to the people “most intimately involved with the phenomenally successful [Harry Potter] series,” and the seventh copy of Tales of the Beedle Bard, you auctioned off at Sotheby’s for your charity, The Children’s High Level Group. It fetched £1.95 million!

A lot of people chastised you, J.K. Rowling, for not making that book available to your fans, but I defended you, as I always have, because I love you. I said, “Back off, punks! J.K. Rowling is the cleverest, kindest, most precious woman in the world!” I told them about your 2006 trip to Romania, about how you visited children’s institutions and spoke out against the use of cage beds and child-trafficking. I told them how you were using your powers for good, just like a superhero should. I looked at the Associated Press photograph of you reaching through the bars of a crib to touch an abandoned child, and I knew I would never stop standing up for you.

When you outed Dumbledore, some people were really upset because they wanted you to say that he was gay in the books, even though it didn’t serve a purpose in the story, and would have given away too much plot. I stood up for you, though, because you laid one more stone on the path to help young men and women embrace their sexuality. And I love you for that too, J.K. Rowling.

Also, when you came to the States for your Deathly Hallows press tour, your dress kind of fell down during an interview, exposing your breasts. Some people poked fun at you, but I shouted from the rooftops, “Cripes, J.K. Rowling! Your breast are magnificent!” They truly are.

Now it turns out you love me back, because you just announced that you are going to publish The Tales of Beedle the Bard after all, with all profits going to your charity! It will be available on December 4th, and it will include all 5 tales: The Wizard and the Hoping Pot, The Fountain of Fair Fortune, The Warlock’s Hairy Heart, The Tale of the Three Brothers, and Babbity Rabbity and her Cackling Stump! Most people will probably opt for the $8 paperback version, but I already sprang for the $100 collector’s edition.

I would wait for Christmas, but I’ll be spending the holidays in Scotland this year. I hope to see you there, J.K. Rowling. (I love you.)

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