The time has come for you to make the most difficult decision of your whole homosexual life. No, it’s not a political decision or a romantic decision — it’s a superheroic decision. It is time for you to decide who is the most crush-able character in the forthcoming epic film X-Men: Days of Future Past. I know, I know, you thought you had weeks, maybe even months, to make your choice, but director Bryan Singer is forcing our hand because he keeps tweeting delicious photos from the set.
First, it was Halle Berry back in her Storm costume:
— Bryan Singer (@BryanSinger) April 22, 2013
Then it was Ellen Page in her Kitty Pryde costume:
— Bryan Singer (@BryanSinger) May 3, 2013
But that’s really only half the battle. Jennifer Lawrence is coming back as Mystique and Anna Paquin is returning as Rogue. I just don’t want you to get to the theater unprepared and have your head explode when you can’t decide where to focus your swoon. So here’s a real quick cheat sheet about crush-ability, after which you should be able to decide on an X-(Wo)man.
Anna Paquin as Rogue
Powers: Power absorption (can absorb strength, agility, reflexes, memories, psionic abilities).
Crush-able Characteristics: Uncanny empathy due to being an orphan and also consuming so many feelings and thoughts from other people.
Emotional Baggage: Kind of like Bo Dennis, she can accidentally suck the life right out of you when you touch her.
Ellen Page as Kitty Pryde
Powers: Phasing (transporting her body through solid objects), air walking, telepathic resistance.
Crush-able Characteristics: Kitty Pryde/Shadowcat speaks multiple languages, is a world-class dancer, and has high-level ninja skills. Which is to say she can say French things to you while also being very bendy. Plus, Joss Whedon says Kitty Pryde was his biggest inspiration for Buffy Summers.
Emotional Baggage: She’s been pretty unlucky in love and also was once duped into having a kid. She’s a tiny thing who hates being reminded that she’s a tiny thing, owing to the fact that everyone treated her like a little kid and called her “Sprite” for the longest time.
Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique
Powers: Metamorph (Can transform herself to look like pretty much anyone or anything), accelerated healing, poison resistance, enhanced athletic prowess for a limited time.
Crush-able Characteristics: Multilingual, wicked smart, her un-Metamorph-ed body looks like a very blue, very naked Jennifer Lawrence. Also, totally bisexual.
Emotional Baggage: Can’t make up her mind if she’s a good guy or a bad guy, but she’s done a lot of pretty evil stuff.
Halle Berry as Storm
Powers: Mastery over weather, flight, energy manipulation.
Crush-able Characteristics: Will wow everyone in your organic produce co-op with her gardening skills, vast networking experience, diplomatic immunity (she can fly you wherever you want to go for a romantic getaway and you’ll never have to wait in line at Customs!).
Emotional Baggage: Watched her mom die while she was trapped underground for several days, accidentally causes the weather to get crazy sometimes when she’s in a bad mood, she’s literally royalty so she’s kind of high maintenance.
OK now, lesbos, declare your X-Men crush. Who’s it going to be?