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IM-ing with Nicol Paone

Nicol Paone is, quite literally, a funny person. The star of LOGO’s The Big Gay Sketch Show can be seen in Judd Aptow’s Funny People playing opposite Adam Sandler as his character’s sister. Although the film isn’t a straight-up comedy that showcases Paone’s formidable talents for funny and impersonation, her fans can catch her on the occasional stage, on funnyordie.com, and BGSS, Season 3, premiering in early 2010.

I love interviewing people, but hate transcribing. To solve that problem, I asked Nicol if she was up for an experiment: An interview via an instant message chat. She was game and away we went.

Here’s exactly how that unfolded — the only things I changed are the typos (mostly mine) and grammar (me again). Eavesdrop in on us as we talk about Nicol’s LOGO show, how she’s putting the “B” in LGBT, and tries to give me a lesson on how to do improv.

4:15 PM

Dara: Hey you

Nicol: Hey!

Dara: What’s up?

4:17 PM

Nicol: Sorry! I lost the screen for a second!

Dara: I thought you dropped your carabcake

Or crab cake, if you like English.

Nicol: What’s up??? I’m just having a white wine spritzer and thinking about all the mistakes I have made in my life!

Dara: That all? I’d need something a tad stronger for that.

Nicol: Yeah, and I have come to the conclusion that I haven’t made any, so there!

Dara: None? Are you a unicorn?

Nicol: Yes, sometimes I am quite magical.

Dara: Do you crap rainbows?

Nicol: I crap gold.

Dara: What are we saying?? OK. IM interviews might not be one of my best ideas.

Nicol: Get a hold of yourself, we just started!

Dara: OK. I’m ready. How’s every little thing on The Big Gay Sketch Show?

Nicol: AMAZING!!

Dara: Great! Did you finish taping the newest season?

Nicol: We finished in April. It will air in February with RuPaul and The Sarah Silverman Show. Season 3 is ridiculously better that the other seasons. I can’t wait for it to air.

Dara: Why ridiculously better? I thought your previous seasons were pretty damn funny.

Nicol: Thanks. I think we are getting the hang of it and by now, we should be damn funny. Season 1 was kinda like gay Disney 101, Season 2 was much better, and Season 3 is our best yet.

Dara: Isn’t “gay Disney” redundant?

Nicol: Yes, it is.

Dara: I like Big Gay Sketch Show because there’s nothing else like it on TV.

Nicol: I am super proud of it. If we shot 22 episodes like every other TV show does, my life would be set because it is a dream job for me. To get to do comedy and send up behavior that makes me angry or frustrated in front of an audience consisting of my friends and family is really a dream job for me.

Dara: Sure is.

Nicol: I said dream job twice.

Dara: Maybe it’s a recurring dream job. What behavior makes you angry?

Nicol: Hmmmm, where do I start…there’s so much. Intolerance, stupidity….

Dara: Which is worse? Intolerance or stupidity?

Nicol: Well unfortunately, they seem to go hand in hand. I would say that intolerance is worse because you know what you are doing when you are intolerant, you are making a choice.

Dara: True. Stupid can’t help it.

Nicol: Yup!

Dara: You almost feel bad for them. Almost.

Nicol: I wrote a sketch about a stupid soldier and people loved it. It was based on the Lynndie England-Abu Ghraib scandal. Stupid is funny!

Dara: Oh, that girl was beyond stupid.

Nicol: And I wrote a character for BGSS. Her name is Dolores and she’s a neurotic upper-crusted Connecticut wedding planner at a lesbian wedding who just doesn’t know how to act. She says stuff like “Do you call yourself bride? Is that what lesbians say….I don’t know!”

Dara: haha!

Nicol: It’s funnier when she says it because she’s nervous and just got electrocuted by an electric dog fence.

Dara: I love an electrocution.

Nicol: My favorite stuff this season….I got to play Glenn Close doing a voice over for Damages!

Dara: Oh God.

Nicol: Glenn is amazing. She’s about 32 % too dramatic.

Dara: 32%?

Nicol: I’ll have to do 32% to dramatic for you. Hold on, I’m saying the character is 32% too dramatic, not Glenn.

Dara: I get it. I love Glenn. She’s usually pitch-perfect.

Nicol: Yes, and when I was going to set that day I told myself to be prepared not to look exactly like Glenn because our features are different but when Karen, our make-woman got to work, I looked so much like Glenn that it freaked me and everyone else out. It was scary. Who knows what it will look like on TV but it was crazy looking at myself that way.

Dara: Weird! You don’t look like Glenn Close at all. Kudos to Karen.

Nicol: I know! It was crazy.

Dara: You were in Funny People with Adam Sandler. That makes it official.

Nicol: Yes, I was DARA.

Dara: What was that like?

Nicol: Sooo cool!

Dara: Why are you CAPPING my ass NICOL?

Nicol: Listen BIG D! I will CAP YOUR ASS WHENEVER I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT OK?

Dara: Uh, OK. meep.

Nicol: Ha! Hey! Funny People.

Dara: We saw you in it. And when I say we, I mean Karman, Bridget and me. Wethought you were great, even though your role was serious.

Nicol: THANK YOU! It was a great experience.

Dara: You did a lot with your face.

Nicol: What does that mean?

Dara: Meaning you were very expressive in the subtle way it should be on the big screen, NICOL. I just wish you had more lines.

Nicol: Thanks, I was all worried that I was going to be too “big” and be doing my best Stritchy impersonation. Dara: How many people did you have to beat out for the role?

Nicol: I don’t know, maybe 100, if that many.

Dara: Wow.

Nicol: My final call back was with Judd [Apatow] and he read the part of Adam Sandler. After we finished doing the scene he goes “That was great, now let’s improvise” and I just felt good that day and was on it.

Dara: Did you see that “let’s improvise” thing coming? I bet a lot of actors would’ve had a meltdown.

Nicol: I had an answer for every little thing that Judd threw at me and by the time I got home they hired me.

Dara: Thank God for all your improv training!

Nicol: I KNOW!!!!

Dara: Any lines from the improv session of your audition make it into the film?

Nicol: No, but, I just got an email from the producer Barry Mendel and he told me that they cut 14 different versions of the scene because Adam and I gave them so much!

Dara: Way to keep the editors employed. I don’t know how I feel about Aptow. He doesn’t seem too interested in female characters.

Nicol: The way I see it is this….you can’t expect anyone to write from your point of view and Judd writes from his experience and his point of view and you can’t fault him for that.

Dara: OK.

Nicol: He does have a lot of women on staff and is developing a project for Kristen Wiig. It has a women’s point of view because it’s being written by two women. My friend Annie is the one of them.

Dara: Hey. You see how the IM window tells you “so-and-so is typing” while you’re waiting for a response? I want it to say, “Nicol is thinking” or”Nicol is lighting a cigar” or “Nicol wandered outside because she thought you were rambling”

Nicol: What do you mean?

Dara: While I type, you see “Dara is typing,” right?

Nicol: Yes!

Dara: No one types slower than I do. Sorry.

Nicol: Don’t put yourself down, slowpoke. That’s my job. I am going on a run right now and will be back in time for your next question.

Dara: Shaddup and answer my questions.

Nicol: Ready! Go! Come on! Here we go! You can do it! Dara: OK, I have one. Do you think anyone can learn to do improv, or is it an innate skill?

5:00 PM

Sheesh now who’s slow?

Come on. Hello?

Keep up honey

You bisexuals are all alike

5:04 PM

Nicol: I do think that anyone can learn to improvise because really at it’s core, it is about listening and responding, NOT trying to be funny. If you notice some of the best improvisers are also great people to talk with because they listen and don’t try and push an agenda or a joke or anything like that. Whether people are funny improvisers, just depends on whether or not they are funny people or not. some people might disagree with me, but that’s my opinion.

Dara: But there are funny people and there are “civilians.”

Nicol: I think that it comes down to training and a funny civilian can be a great improviser, if they learn how to. I would rather improvise with a funny civilian than a comedian any day.

Dara: If funny people were an army, what would be your rank?

Nicol: #1! No….I don’t know….#5,876

Dara: Does that make you a general?

Nicol: CHIEF GENERAL!

Dara: I don’t think there’s any such thing, but okey-doke.

Nicol: CHIEF GENERAL PRESIDENT BOSS CORPORAL

Dara: That’s better.

Nicol: Yup

Dara: How’s the bi thing going? Some lesbians take issue with bi girls.

Nicol: Well they can kiss my ass! There is a B in the LGBT! Do lesbians realize how hard it is to fall in love with everyone?

Dara: I thought the B stood for Blowsy. And I think Liz Taylor understands.

Nicol: I don’t think so???

Dara: Bitch?

Nicol: Seriously.

Dara: Bumblebee? some bees are gay, ya know

Nicol: Are they? Good for them!

Dara: Well, there’s a queen in the hive, so…

Nicol: Seriously, I have no time for any lesbian who takes issue with bisexuals. Who are they to tell me how I feel? Who are they to question my relationships? They were probably just burned by a poser bisexual and that’s not my problem.

Dara: Ya know they added a Q to LGBT. LGBTQ. I thought it stood for queer at first but apparently, it means questioning. Wouldn’t it better if you go figure yourself out and get back to us?

Nicol: BTW – I am declaring 2010 THE YEAR OF THE BISEXUAL!! SO WATCH OUT LEBO’S AND LESBRO’S, WE ARE COMING FOR YA!

Dara: Fine!! Gah, bi girls are so frigging aggressive!

Nicol: Oh and lesbians aren’t?

Dara: Are you just aggressive because you’re missing a letter in your name? Are you angry, Nicol?

Nicol: I am perfectly comfortable with my name. So there.

Dara: Me too. Although I’ve been called Dana, Daria, Tara, Sara, and Deena.

Nicol: Annoying! People are ridiculous!

Dara: At Starbucks, I just say “Beth” now.

Nicol: Nice

Dara: So, what IS with the missing “e”, Nicol Paone.

Nicol: My parents couldn’t spell.

Dara: Is your brother’s name Rober?

Nicol: My brother’s name is Mik.

Dara: That was my next gues. Alrighty. Can we get back to improv-ing?

Nicol: Sure

Dara: Are there words that are inherently funny?

Nicol: NO!

Dara: Wow, you feel pretty strongly about that.

Nicol: Yes, I guess I did.

Dara: Odd numbers are funnier than even ones.

Nicol: Well you are right there….I mean who wants to talk about burping 4 times…..3 is much funnier

Dara: Can you teach me improv over an IM?

Nicol: Sure…We are at a laundromat and you are out of coins. I am doing laundry right next to you….GO!

Dara: Excuse me. Do you have any change? I’m out of quarters. And my baby is stuck between cycles

Nicol: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! It’s a lesbian! GO AWAY! Don’t touch me!! Here take my purse, take my jewelry…..

Dara: Great, thanks!

Nicol: You’re good!

Dara: Wait. What are you doing later? Wanna move in with me?

Nicol: I am supposed to “Yes and…” here. So sure! I’ll move in with you!

Dara: Oh wait. Rebecca Drysdale nailed this one with her lesbian speed-dating bit. That was a good sketch-a-roo.

Nicol: Oh yes! That girl is an amazing writer! So funny.

Dara: I guess it’s hard to be original!

Nicol: What do you mean?

Dara: I was going right into “move in, get out, let’s be BFF, the end.” I saw the whole thing in my head in that second.

Nicol: LESSON 1 of IMPROV – Never plan anything!

Dara: But

Nicol: LESSON 2 – Let me do the talking! Because what if your partner has a different plan in his/her head then you are screwed!

Dara: Maybe I can only do improv with femmes since I let them do the talking anyway

Nicol: Ha! I would recommend that.

Dara: haha, you would. Do you think men and women approach comedy differently?

Nicol: No, I think that good comedians approach comedy better than the not-so-good comedians. But I don’t think it’s a gender thing. I do think that men *think they are funnier than women but we are changing.

Dara: I think I speak for the entire country when I say “thank you.” I love that all these female comedians are popping up everywhere. Smart ones, ya know? Edgier than ever.

Nicol: Yes! How about that? Hmm, smart women comedians, whoda thunk it?

Dara: I thunk you are one of them, missy-poo.

Nicol: Well, I love making people laugh. Always have, always will!

Dara: Are you out of white wine spritzers yet?

Nicol: I am finished and schoochered! Yahoo! Who’s ready to play pin the tail on the pansy?

Dara: I was born ready.

Nicol: Tell me about it.

Dara: I think were done.

Nicol: OK!

Dara: Have a great night!

Dara: Bye weirdo.

Nicol: Weirdo! I hate that word!

Dara: Why, because it ends in a vowel, NICOL?

Nicol: Bye!

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