As a child I possessed an undeniable runt like quality, and spent almost every lunchtime reading alone in some grim, Floridian public school system corner. As an adult, I’ve had to make a conscious effort to be a charming champagne bubble about town rather than invisible corner dweller. By the end of any given fete, there’s always that one girl blissfully unaware of how much less people like her now. Here’s how to be that girl!
1. Sobbing in the corner.
Your tears are not poetic, they are cray.
2. Throwing up in your cup.
No one wants to kiss you now.
3. Banging in the bathroom.
We can hear you.
4. Wobbling off your wedges.
If you can’t wear them, don’t wear them.
5. Coaxing acquaintances to “explain what people don’t like about me.”
At the moment, everything. Thanks for the reminder!
6. Gibbering “I’m so drunk” for hours.
Inebriation breeds repetition.
7. Paying more attention to the host’s pets than any human in the room.
I know pets are cuter, but you’re not giving people the chance to get to know you. Also you come off as weird and anti-social.
8. Whining about surroundings.
“If you hate it so much why are you here?” is what we are thinking.
9. Passing out in bathroom, therefore locking everyone else out.
WE HAVE TO PEE, YOU SAVAGE.
10. Flinching when someone asks if you think they’re pretty.
Yes. Always yes.
11. Asking someone if they think you’re pretty.
You should just know.
12. Drinking everyone’s alcohol while contributing nothing.
No one’s that pretty.
13. Asking your friend about a random hook up when their girlfriend is within earshot.
Unless you’re super bored. In which case, carry on.
14. Taking more than three shots.
Shots end in slop. No one envies a sloppy bitch and don’t you want to be envied?