How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Two

Which one of you is the boy and which one is the girl?
On occasion, a gay lady may find herself unexpectedly called upon to provide a surprising level of education to the general public. In such situations, the correct etiquette is to answer the poor straight person’s question seriously. I would advocate the sensitive approach of gently taking the questioner aside so as not to embarrass them, and quietly explaining to them the definition of lesbianism (which currently stands as “no boys here”).

However, in the case that one’s partner is more noticeably butch than oneself, may I suggest pointing at her and saying, “She’s obviously the girl, you great pillock,” because sometimes the amusement of the whole group may require the sacrifice of one person’s dignity.

Can I watch?
There are a number of possible remedies to this situation and at times a gay lady may find herself feeling the need to get creative when responding to this particular request, which in the majority of contexts is entirely at variance with good manners. One easy but effective method is simply to reply “Yes,” followed by the provision of directions to a faraway location that doesn’t exist. Explain to the interloper that you’ll meet them there, but only if they leave right away.

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander

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