How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Twelve


Imaginary But Still Extremely Lifelike Scenario Number Two:

Afew hours later your friend drags you into a quiet corner and says “Dude! She’s amazing right? Don’t you love her? I love her. Let’s marry her! Amiright?!” So: what do you do, punk? What do you do?

Well my little chickpeas, you have two options and two options only.

1. Tell the truth. “Let us be frank, darling. She’s frightfully indecorous, as well as a shockingly bad listener and I saw her making out with another lady. I do apologise, but it is my duty to inform you that I believe your union is quite utterly doomed.” To which your friend will reply, “Why thank you, gentle friend. I appreciate your clarity and foresight and I shall break up with her forthwith.”

Yourfriend is one hundred percent likely to respond with wrath. “You don’tget it! You don’t understand her unique perfection! We shall never speak of this again, but you will indeed dance at our imminent wedding and you will be overjoyed about it whether you like it or not!” and then you’ll have to call her in the morning and pretend she’s right.

2. Lie. Lie like you’ve never lied in your life. “She’s simply wonderful!” you’ll say through gritted teeth. “Her beauty is unrivalled amongst women and her manners are impeccable. What a glorious find you devilishly lucky creature, you.” And then you’ll have to watch, painfully, as your friend gets her heart stomped to shreds.

Hold up! There’s actually a third option. Math was never my strong subject.

3. Be diplomatic. The most appropriate, tasteful, and ultimately caring course of action is to reserve judgement. Don’t pretend to be blind to her girlfriend’s bad behaviour, but don’t go on about it either — if you push it too much she’ll have no one to talk to for fear of hearing “I told you so.” Ensure instead that your friend knows that she, independent of who she dates, is wonderful and loved no matter what, that she deserves to be treated well, and that she doesn’t have to settle. Then set her girlfriend’s house on fire. NO GAY LADIES, NO!

Instead,remind your friend, and remind yourself (toxbians exist in every town) that it takes a really (really) long time to get to know somebody. Take the time. No one should keep their heart under lock and key, but don’tthrow the gates wide open to someone you’ve just met either. Um, that’s not a metaphor for anything else, OK?


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