How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Twelve

Imaginary But Still Extremely Lifelike Scenario Number One :

Yourfriend has met a new girl and they are “in love, oh my god you have no idea, I think she’s the one”. She’s dying for you to meet her so you can give your Official Approval/Swoon at Her Unbelievable Amazingness, and so off you all head to your Local Gay Lady Liquor Serving Establishment which everyone complains about but still blindly supports.Your friend is glowing with adoration and you’re just happy she’s happy, so at first, you ignore a couple of teensy warning signs, such asthe new girlfriend’s too early intoxication and tendency to monopolise the conversation. She’s just nervous and keen to impress you, right? Quite possible, you sweet forgiving creatures. Do not ye rush to hasty judgement. But during the course of the evening, keep your eye out for any of the following signs that your friend has been bewitched by a Toxbian:

1. The new girlfriend hits on you. Her new lady lover’s trusted friend. Of course, loads of lesbians flirt platonically, as a way to make friends and influence people — that’s OK. What’s not OK is the girlfriend of someone you care about, trying to make out with your face. This lady is quite clearly…

 

2. You notice her flirting with someone else. And then someone else. And dirty dancing with someone else again. See above, re: casual flirting. But if your friend is making that brave “No really, it’s fine, I don’t mind, it’s just that I can’t stop staring worriedly,” face, then …

3. Your friend hangs on the lady’s every word, but her new girlfriend talks over top of her, interrupts her, ignores her, or makes fun of her. No need to get your (stripy boy-leg) knickers in a knot, everyone gets carried away sometimes and we all like to tease the ones we love. But if it isn’t balanced out by plenty of positive attention, returning of adoring gazes and the dishing out of wonderfully improbable bragging about/compliments towards your friend, then the verdict is again …

4. You can’t get a second alone with your friend. Not just because she has her new girlfriend constantly stuck to her face, but also because her new lady’s idea of romance is that your friend now belongs to her, and as such, any privacy or independence is suspicious and must be immediately crushed. Yeah, you’re getting it now — controlling and isolating behaviour?

 

5. She’s a drama queen. Oh, we gay ladies adore drama, do we not? Every last one of us has had a dramatic stage, which hopefully, we go on to shed with age or maturity. But if it turns out this lady has deliberately staged the evening’s proceedingsto occur somewhere she knew her extremely recent ex-girlfriend would bein order to instigate some kind of screaming/sobbing stand-off, or she deliberately stirs up tension just to see where it goes, I’m going to goahead ladies, and start thinking along the lines of…

6. There’s aggression. No matter at whom it is directed toward. What is it with gay ladies who think that verbal or physical aggression somehow equates with ‘sexy and tough’? It doesn’t. It’s the ultimate in ugly. Also?

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