How to Be a Gay Lady — Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Three

Method Two: The Soapbox

This method is most commonly preferred by those gay ladies in the first or second year of their Arts degree.

The first step of the process is of course, the announcement of one’s sexuality to one’s family. The preferable method will involve slinging the news passionately at them during an argument.

Following on from this involves indulging in the need to soliloquise about one’s gayness — at sufficient volume and without pause — during every subsequent family interaction. The more details the better.

Thirdly, provide them with copious books about being a gay lady/having gay lady family members, gift them with T-shirts that say “I love my gay lady daughter” and provide them with a rainbow sticker to attach to their front door. If all are not in pride of place on their bookshelves/chests/doors by the following day, demand to know why not. Also, why doesn’t grandma know yet? Send the same items to her at once.

The fourth step will be to invite the whole family to share in all the delightfully gritty details of your tempestuous relationship with your new girlfriend, quickly followed by your messy break-up with your new girlfriend, your love triangle with her ex-girlfriend and your (as yet) unrequited crush on your straight best friend. Make sure you do this within weeks of your announcement, otherwise it will reduce its efficacy.

And finally, invite Tracy (your hot, angry, politically charged newest girlfriend) to a cosy Sunday dinner in order to re-educate your grateful family members out of their all of their entirely erroneous values and belief systems.

Following the simple steps above will immediately ensure your family’s relaxed and happy acceptance of your sexuality forever after.

Method Three: The Special Occasion

This method requires you to pick a special occasion in which to make your announcement whilst all your loved ones are gathered together in one place. To save on the hassle of organising your own, may I suggest appropriating a conveniently pre-arranged occasion, such as Christmas dinner, or a sibling’s wedding to name a couple of good examples. Ensure you have everyone’s full and undivided attention, perhaps by suggesting a toast or proposing a speech, then use the moment to introduce everyone to your girlfriend. Please note: It is of the utmost importance that you do not warn your girlfriend of this plan in advance. This way, she’ll be as pleasantly surprised as everyone else — particularly if it’s only your second or third date.

Method Four: The Subtle Approach

Don’t make any announcement at all. Instead, shave your head/cultivate a fauxhawk, become a vegetarian, make mysteriously loaded references to your new “roommate,” actively bitch about how “annoying” men are, join a women’s sports team, move your L Word DVD collection to your living room bookshelf and wait for the announcement to be made for you. If this fails, it’s time to up the ante. Purchase a range of witty T-shirts, such as “No one knows I’m a lesbian” or “My girlfriend is a lesbian” and wear them on a daily basis until everyone around you yells “You’re a gay lady, we get it already!”

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