How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Thirteen

Decorate your home with holiday cheer!

While I have been perfectly honest with you in sharing my dislike of Christmas in general, I do of course believe in the importance of keeping up appearances and staying up to date with the latest in home decorating trends. Here are some of my suggestions, gay ladies, for achieving a contemporary holiday look, whilst keeping it tastefully in tune with traditional themes:

— Decorate your sex toys with tinsel, for that special Christmas sparkle
— Arrange your blazing 24-hour Christmas lights into a fun, whimsical, seasonal message such as “Stop Global Warming!”
— Wear nothing whatsoever around the home except for sleigh bells and strategically sprayed fake snow
— Find one new use for a candy cane every day in December. Make it a fun household competition!

A Christmas Story

Another important tradition is that of the heart-warming Christmas story. Oh my little elves, do be cautious of turning on your television or heading out to the cinema at this special time of year as you’re extremely likely to be exposed to potentially critical levels of Christmas spirit, involving families or lovers reconnecting with their belief in Santa under a gentle snowfall of pure joy. If you plan on taking in any of these Christmas specials, be sure and watch it within the safety of your real life family group in order to stay safely steeped in reality, thus preventing yourself from drifting away with the idea of Christmas miracles altogether.

Here’s another idea though: why not tell your own Christmas story? The holidays are truly a time to reconnect with your loved ones, so why not gather them all together and use Christmas dinner or your work Christmas party as an opportunity to come out to one and all in a blaze of drunken glory, or to finally answer honestly all those questions your liquor sozzled work colleagues have harbouring all year?

Make the Yuletide Gay

This year, when we go back home for Christmas, my wonderful (gay lady) sister and I are going to hit the gay bar of the small town we grew up in. We’re hoping it will be amazing and scary and hilarious and awesome all at once, but also, a way to inject a little gay into the holiday.  What about you — you gayest of Santa’s little helpers — in this year of celebrity outings, publicised gay suicides, fighting against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell and for marriage equality, how will you add some gay to the holidays?  You could:

# Bring a real life date to your work function
— Bring your girlfriend home for a family Christmas
— Support local independent businesses when you buy your gifts (oh, you didn’t know?  They’re gay)
— Send out some properly gay Christmas cards
— Follow SameSame’s example and instead of sending your requests to Santa this year, make your wishes known to someone more local than the North Pole.
&mdsah; Continue on being your wonderful gay lady selves.

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