How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Sixteen

OK, imagine this:

You have a friend. Let’s call her Lezley. Lezley likes wearing plaid and she wears her fingernails as short as her shoes are sensible. Her favourite band is Tegan and Sara, her favourite film is Imagine Me & You, and she runs a Tumblr titled Achele Forevs! One day Lezley tells you she’s met someone amazing. Someone with beautiful brown eyes who shares her passion for both Tegan and Sara and plaid. Someone she never expected to fall for. She wants to introduce you to her new paramour and you’re all excited and giddy because you want her to be happy. Then you meet her new lover and you realise: They are a man-shaped person with a doodle. A doodle, you guys! How should you behave in this scenario?

First of all, point in the vicinity of the gentleman in question’s crotch and yell “Doodle” as loudly as you can, just in case she didn’t notice. These days, those personages known as gay ladies and those known as hipster boys can frequently be disturbingly similar in appearance. Don’t be alarmed: this may have simply been an embarrassing oversight, and Lezley will immediately bid her sad, pretty, brown-eyed hipster boy a speedy adieu. You may now thank the heavens for your friend’s fortunate escape!

However, in the case that this does not produce the expected result and you instead find yourself inexplicably the recipient of an abundance of startled stares, you may need to explain more specifically, what exactly is wrong with this scenario. I suggest a conversation format along these lines:

“Lezley, that person totally has a doodle. That probably means they are a dude. That means that as a gay lady, you are a traitor to your people if you ever like a dude, even once, even in college. I will have no choice but to turn from you now and revoke our association because you my friend, are a fraud. Unless of course you are one of those bisexuals, in which case you should have titled yourself that from the start. Also, God called; he wants your gold star back. Give it back now and go and sit on the naughty step.”

Business satisfactorily concluded, all is again right with the world. All labels are neatly in their correct spots and we all feel relieved at how safely and securely defined we are. Whew. Alright. Thank goodness for that. Everything is better when rigid boundaries are vigorously enforced.

Let’s say you have this other friend. Let’s call her Straightchel. Straightchel likes wearing stuff that is pink and she wears her fingernails as long as her heels are high. Her favourite singer is Justin Beiber, her favourite film is The Notebook, and she runs a Tumblr called Here Are Lots of Pictures of Ryan Reynolds And His Naked Chest. One day Straightchel tells you she’s met someone amazing. Someone with beautiful brown eyes who shares her passion for both pink things and Justin Beiber‘s hair. Someone she never expected to fall for. Then you meet her new lover and you realise: The new lover is totally a hot gay laydee!

OMG you guys this is amazing! Even though Straightchel has always been into dudes, she just met someone and fell for their beautiful eyes and their sexy chemistry and amazing soul and she didn’t even care that she had clearly identified herself as a heterosexual up until this point. We love this story so, so much and it’s so totally true and amazing and a wonderful tale of how sometimes, the presence or absence of a doodle is not the most important thing about a person, just like how the love for/disinterest in a doodle, isn’t the most important thing about us! Come on Straightchel, let us go and trim your fingernails and welcome you to the gang. You are awesome fun. Goodbye Lezley we hate you forever now, OK bye.

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