How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Sixteen

 
 

Lesson Sixteen: What to do when your gay lady friend falls in love — with a dude.

OMG gay ladies, get ready to vent your spleens and gnash your fangs because today’s topic is despicable. It’s disgusting and awful and horrific and the worst thing known to (wo)man. No, it’s not a category five cyclone headed towards your home, nor is it a terrible oppressive dictator refusing to be overthrown. It’s much, much worse than that. What it is, in fact, is a gay lady and a dude. A dude, you guys!

Firstly, let me provide a brief set of definitions:

1. A gay lady. Also known as a lesbian, a homogay, a dyke, or a gaymo. She’s a lady who loves the ladies. It defines her entire personality, opinions, values, psychological make-up, taste in music, dress style and the meaning of her life. She prolly thinks men are gross, and boy is she correct.

2. A dude. Not a gay lady. Also known as a person with a doodle attached. A doodle, you guys!

3. A bisexual lady. Also widely referred to as a fence-sitter, someone who has not made up their minds yet, or a lady who is confused. Did I mention she’s also twice as likely to cheat on you, because maths totally works with humans that way? Please note: the bisexual lady is very rarely mentioned in polite society; to many minds, she does not even exist at all.

4. Labels. There are exactly five that can be applied to people and no more at all ever, and these are all of them: woman, man, gay, straight, bisexual.

NO ROOM FOR ANY MORE, I SAID THERE’S ONLY FIVE, OK? Anything outside of or in between those clear cookie-cutter labels makes me feel all confused and angry and frightened.

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