How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Six

Tips for writing the perfect profile

Now, my dears, I would never ever encourage you to lie; that would be unethical. Instead, you must embellish, exaggerate, hyperbolize, inflate, magnify, amplify, and make only minimal use of the truth. No one wants to know YOU! You’re boring and full of contradictions, insecurities and flaws. Imagine how many hot dates you could score if you were an astrophysicist with a modeling career on the side? If you’d co-written Beyonce’s biggest hits? If you were heir to one of the lesser-known European thrones?

Note: Continuity is critical. In order to avoid large-scale social humiliation in the future, please remember to be consistent. If your online potential date believes that you’re closely related to Madonna, then the night before your gay wedding is not the time to reveal the truth. Hire a Madonna impersonator to attend the reception and all future family Christmases, and book well ahead to cover the high school graduation of your first-born.

Sometimes being incoherent is, quite frankly, for the best. BiG tiPs fOr WRiTinG iN fUnKY sTyLes and OVERUSE OF CAPS AND! EXCLAMATION! MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Spell-check is opshonall. Txt Spk = hot. For those gay ladies short on time, I suggest the use of approved (or spontaneously created) abbreviations. Here is my own sample ad:

LCO WPWS seeks HBF for BG play and RIBT. Must have GSOH and an appreciation for MLJDD. No JBF need apply.

Translation: Lesbian Cat Owner Who Prefers Wearing Sneakers seeks Hot Blonde Femme for Board Game playing and Reading in Bed Together. Must have Good Sense of Humour and an appreciation for My Lame Jokes and Dorky Dancing. No Justin Bieber fans need apply.

In reality, this profile wouldn’t have a key to abbreviations used. I find it adds to the sense of mystique.

Remember, Safety First:
Never agree to meet someone you’ve met online at their own home. Or in a public place. Or at all. Ever. This way you’ll ensure that you maintain an irresistible air of mystery at all times and your online paramour will never see you on a bad hair day, or drop by your house when you haven’t shaved your legs. Thankfully, she’ll never be witness to your morning breath either, or your once-a-month momentary insanity, or the way you sing off-key in the shower. You’ll never have to be embarrassed in front of her because you cry at children’s movies, or because she discovered your secret Best of Britney playlist. You’ll always be alluring, perfect and completely and utterly untouchable. Thank god for the internet!

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