How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Fourteen

 
 

Wherefore art thou (and who are you with and what are you doing)? How to have a delightful long distance relationship.

Good morning gay ladies and welcome to 2011. As I pen these words, millions of hangovers are flowering in unison across the globe and the sharp thorns of niggling disappointment (Was that really, the best party in the whole wide world? Who the frack was that I pashed?) are threatening to overtake the entire month of January. People everywhere make resolutions they’ll never keep. We’re all another year older and another year closer to old age, infirmity and the grave. Happy New Year everyone.

What, glum? Me? Oh no, I’m perfectly swell, thank you gals ever so much for your concern. It’s just my ladyfriend has left me. For New York. For an entire month. I’m absolutely fine, though — spiffing, even. I barely notice that she’s gone, to be honest. I go to bed alone, wake up alone, make out with no one; it’s not a problem for me at all. In fact, I’m so good at handling it that I thought I’d take the time to share with you the etiquette that’s involved in maintaining a successful long distance relationship.

Definition: What is a long distance relationship?

This unfortunate occurrence may be a temporary arrangement or a longer term situation in which you and your ladyfriend are geographically separated for a significant period of time. I understand that for some couples of the lady-loving persuasion, the phrase “significant period of time” may be somewhat problematic to define. Indeed, I have no doubt whatsoever that there are those amongst you who strongly feel that the time it takes for your lady to make it to the corner shop and back constitutes an uncomfortable separation, but far be it from me to impose any heteronormative assumptions regarding your deeply personal experiences, so let us simply agree that a long-distance relationship is whatever you feel it is. Gay enough for you?

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