News

How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Fourteen

Wherefore art thou (and who are you with and what are you doing)? How to have a delightful long distance relationship. Good morning gay ladies and welcome to 2011. As I pen these words, millions of hangovers are flowering in unison across the globe and the sharp thorns of niggling disappointment (Was that really, the best party in the whole wide world? Who the frack was that I pashed?) are threatening to overtake the entire month of January. People everywhere make resolutions they’ll never keep. We’re all another year older and another year closer to old age, infirmity and the grave. Happy New Year everyone. What, glum? Me? Oh no, I’m perfectly swell, thank you gals ever so much for your concern. It’s just my ladyfriend has left me. For New York. For an entire month. I’m absolutely fine, though – spiffing, even. I barely notice that she’s gone, to be honest. I go to bed alone, wake up alone, make out with no one; it’s not a problem for me at all. In fact, I’m so good at handling it that I thought I’d take the time to share with you the etiquette that’s involved in maintaining a successful long distance relationship.

Definition: What is a long distance relationship? This unfortunate occurrence may be a temporary arrangement or a longer term situation in which you and your ladyfriend are geographically separated for a significant period of time. I understand that for some couples of the lady-loving persuasion, the phrase “significant period of time” may be somewhat problematic to define. Indeed, I have no doubt whatsoever that there are those amongst you who strongly feel that the time it takes for your lady to make it to the corner shop and back constitutes an uncomfortable separation, but far be it from me to impose any heteronormative assumptions regarding your deeply personal experiences, so let us simply agree that a long-distance relationship is whatever you feel it is. Gay enough for you?

1. Keep tabs on her at all times. Regardless of whether this is a short-term or a long-term situation, be sure to fit your lady with a good quality electronic tracking device prior to the event of your separation. That way, no matter where she goes you can follow her every movement via the latest technology satellite imaging. Lesbian Stalkers & Co. sell a great model that will sound an alarm if she’s not looking both ways before crossing the street or if a lady-who’s-not-you is eyeing her inappropriately. This device comes set in a range of elegant designs (the wrist cuff in leather or the equally classic gigantically gaymo thumb ring) which will seamlessly complement any and every outfit your lady wears.

2. Keep the lines of communication open. Let me remind you ladies that good communication is the key to a blissfully happy relationship. In fact, it is my belief that gay ladies just do not talk to each other enough. It is therefore of the utmost importance that you keep communicating, at all times. Yes: at all times. Maintain constant telephone contact, call, text, Skype, Facebook, telegram, tweet her – all of the above – every hour on the hour, no matter the time zone difference. Demand an immediate response, or go into meltdown as to what could have happened to her/your relationship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder – and crazier – so be sure to demonstrate this on a non-stop basis. Whatever you do gay ladies, do not give her a chance to miss you, not for a single minute.

3. Keep her reminded of home. The bills are mounting up! Her mother called! The local economy looks terrible! The toilet keeps backing up! There’s a problem with the TV reception! It’s possible you have an ingrown toenail! You’re wondering what she really meant when she said that thing, three months ago! She needs to know all of this stuff and more while she’s away – be it business or leisure – because it is crucial that your lives remain constantly intertwined even when she’s not around. That, my friends, is the essence of what being a gay lady is all about.

4. Play a few fun games, just to keep her on her toes. A gay lady always knows the elegant power of a sweetly subtle mind game. One clever idea is to simply forget to answer her messages for 48 hours or so. Once your ladyfriend becomes suitably frantic, you may then feel validated (she like totally loves you!). Another delightful strategy is to drop in studiously casual mentions of various other women in your life with just a tiny hint of mystique. This will ensure that your far-away-lady frets constantly about maintaining your love, which is of course, exactly what you want. While we’re on games, never ever forget the power of the (internationally accessible) facebook. Here are some currently hip styles you could try: A constant stream of (totally secret message just for her) status updates:

A gentle sprinkling of passive aggressive status updates:

The occasional ‘oh, I didn’t realise you’d happen to read it’ actively aggressive status update:

5. Keep yourself busy while you’re apart. Option A) Don’t do anything. Stay home and mope the entire time. Lie on your bed and gaze moonily at pictures of her and reread her texts over and over until she gets home. Soon enough you’ll be hallucinating her voice and the whole thing will be just like Wuthering Heights! Oh, imagine all the exciting tales you’ll have to share with her when she returns! Option B) Call your friends. Yes gay ladies, your friends, remember them? Your f-r-i-e-n-d-s who you haven’t seen since oh, approximately the commencement of your relationship? I suggest this surefire conversation format: “Why hello old friend I haven’t seen in six months! I know I haven’t called you back in forever and I forgot your birthday and missed your wedding and stuff but now that my girlfriend is away and I can’t spend all my time with her, d’you want to hang out with me? Y’know, just until she gets back? OK, bye!”

6. Make sure she feels guilty enough that she never ever ever leaves you again. How does she expect you to feed yourself adequately, wash regularly or remember to water the pot plants/children, when she’s not even there? Especially while you’re on the verge of a meltdown because she’s not around to hug you to sleep every night and no other human being in the history of the entire world has ever had to function under conditions like that. It’s like you’ve been split it two, as if someone has wrenched your right arm from its socket, as if your heart has been ripped, broken and bleeding from your body while you cry out in unspeakable agony.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button