How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Four



Polite Suggestion Number Two: The “Any Excuse to Get Them in Your House” Date

The smoothness of this technique was illustrated perfectly by the well-known gay lady handbook that is the movie Bound. Any gay lady worth her salt now knows that dropping an earring down the sink, requesting assistance to move large items of furniture or repair appliances around the home will instantly result in smoking hot lady-on-lady action.

Polite Suggestion Number Three: The “We Simply Must Stop Meeting Like This!” Date

Also referred to colloquially as “stalking.” Gay ladies (as all natural obsessives) excel at this form of seduction. Simply show up at places you know she’ll be — her favourite club nights, her friends’ parties, her place of work, the front doorstep of her home, or amongst the foliage outside her bedroom window — and watch as she delights wholeheartedly in the wonderful surprise of your completely random and coincidental presence, over and over and over again, until she eventually realises it’s meant to be/breaks up with that pesky long term girlfriend/boyfriend and falls happily into your arms, without you having to do anything weird or scary like ask her out at all.

Note to those considering suggestion three: A restraining order, despite popular gay lady belief, is not in fact a sign of affection. If one is issued to you, remember to work harder on your subtlety next time around.

Polite Suggestion Number Four: Man Up.

Now, ladies, since we’re getting to know each other a little, let me take the liberty of sharing a single, small intimate communication with you. The best, most memorable, cleverest pick-up line I personally have ever received (aside, obviously, from “I need your most urgent help to fix my failed heating”) went like this:

“Hi. My name’s ______. I think you’re hot. Can I buy you a drink?”

Simple, confident, polite and therefore, completely irresistible; I would have said yes to that drink if she’d looked like Frankenstein and had the breath to match.

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander

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