How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Five


Dress Alike

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and a ladyfriend can never have too much flattery. Start off slowly by stealing items of her own wardrobe and appropriating it as your own. If your difference in physique is such that this will not succeed, go out and buy identical items in which to clothe yourself. Next comes matching hair. Surprise your ladyfriend by initiating a romantic outing to the hairdressers together and ask for ‘The Gay Lady Special’ (most hairstylists offer discounts on Tuesdays for this particular deal, so be sure to ask – politely). When you go out together and even your friends start asking if you’re sisters, then you’ll you know you’ve achieved new heights in gay lady romance.


Nothing says ‘We’ve just met and I rather like you’ like getting it permanently inked into your skin. If it’s still early days (within the first fortnight perhaps) then I would recommend having your love translated into a symbol, or perhaps a language of which you are entirely ignorant so that on the off-chance your relationship doesn’t last as long as your body does, you can at least attribute an alternative meaning to it for any future lady-lovers. However, if your relationship is a long-term, stable one (i.e. around the three month mark) then feel free to get her name inscribed in full. Be sure to give it pride of place ABOVE those of your previous ladyfriends, just below the one of your cat’s face, so that she will know that this time, it’s for realz.

Develop Identical Tastes

I’m sorry, but did I just hear one of you try tell me that difference was ‘sexy’? Who said that? Get out of my classroom! Filth. You’re not even a real gay lady, I’m sure of it. Listen ladies, nothing is more attractive than dating someone who looks, thinks, feels and believes identically to yourself. If you find your ladyfriend disagreeing with your taste on ANY level – film, books, television, preference for how you take your tea – you have one option, and one option only: you must break up with her immediately. Well, that or change your preferences to match hers, obviously. That little upstart down the back there, mumbling about debate being healthy and learning new things from your partner, is failing at being a gay lady and possibly at life. There is a touching example in Greek mythology which proper lesbians have been aspiring to emulate ever since the dawn of gay lady time. It’s about Narcissus…and his beautiful lover, coincidentally also named Narcissus. Dreamy sigh…and the story ends as romantically as yours will too.

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander

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