How to Be a Gay Lady — Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Eight


4) History Lesson
Friendship between two gay ladies, who used to date each other. Drama rating 18/10. If you need me to explain why, you have not been a gay lady long enough. Give it time, my chickens, give it time…

Know Your Leisure Activity

Now that you’ve accurately herded all your friendships with other gay ladies into one of the neat and tidy boxes above, it is time to discuss the differences between appropriate friendship activities and inappropriate friendship activities — if in fact you value the longevity of your friendships over the potential for exciting drama in your life. I accept that this is not the wish of everyone in the room, but may I offer a quick plea on behalf of the value of friendships between gay ladies?

Who else will remain at your side in terrible gay lady establishments at three a.m. because you’re single and insisting on dancing publicly to attract a potential life mate? Who else will agree with your frustrated sigh of “wimmen!” whilst neglecting to point out your own identical behaviour? Who else will be genuinely excited for you when you proclaim you’ve found ‘The One’ for the seventeenth time since they’ve known you, and after only three dates? Who else will tolerate you talking about your cat/dog’s antics for hours, pretend to be your girlfriend when your ex walks past, and help you ice Boobie cupcakes for your girlfriend’s birthday?

With that firmly in mind, let us examine the following public information poster regarding leisure activities in which to engage in with one’s gay lady friends:

I know that these guidelines are complex and may be difficult to adhere to. May I suggest printing out the above diagram for handy future reference? This way you can attach one to your bathroom door to contemplate daily, or keep one folded in your wallet to refer to when you’re out and considering various potential courses of action. You could even print out a whole pile of them to dish out to your gay lady social circle as a gesture of your pure, simple and unmuddied friendship.

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