Lesson Eight: Gay lady friendships: Negotiating the pitfalls
Alright possums, let us sit down together, neck our pints of beer and punch each other manfully in the arm whilst we express to each our deep and abiding love. Oh my goodness — not in a gay way! I’m simply talking about the other loves of our lives: our friends. Today’s focus is not on fag-hags, man-bags or lesbros, but on the pure, simple and unmuddied friendship that exists between gay ladies. Hang onto your ever-present hats my lovelies, it’s going to be a messy and complicated ride. Unless of course, you apply the correct etiquette.
Know your Lesbian:
Before I dish out my most learned, highly qualified, and one hundred percent foolproof advice, it is of utmost importance to characterise each of your gay lady friendships into one of the following groups, in order to understand how to deal with them. There are four clear-cut categories into which all possible friendships may be perfectly placed, as human nature is extremely simple and predictable with no variance whatsoever. They are as follows:
1) Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy (not in a gay way)
Friendship between two gay ladies, neither of whom are attracted to each other and who have no interest in each other’s partners — past, present or future. Drama rating: 0/10. This friendship is directly comparable with that which occurs between unicorns and leprechauns. It is adorable, sparkly, innocent fun, and occurs with about as much frequency.
2) Constant Craving
Friendship between two gay ladies, one of whom is attracted to the other, in an unrequited sense. Drama rating: 7/10. Warning: may contain awkward moments and large doses of passive aggression/getting off with your exes.
3) A Whole Lot of Like
Friendship between two gay ladies, both of whom are attracted to each other, but too chicken to do anything about it. Drama rating: ranging between 0/10 and 10/10. Also known as “girlfriends.” Generally amongst ladies of the gay persuasion, the shyness factor lasts until the first, second or at worst, third night of drinking together.