To help promote their upcoming pride event — and to raise awareness about the words we use when we communicate our thoughts to the world — Stockholm Pride has created an online tool that analyzes your tweets to determine how much you conform to the "hetero norm."
In other words: it tells you how gay you are, based on how many "gay cliché" words you use in your tweets — the more you use, the less hetero you are.
So it’s not at all scientific. And apparently bisexuality doesn’t exist. But it’s fun!
In the spirit of
wasting time on a Friday doing the tough research so you don’t have to, I analyzed the twitterstreams of several different women (and some websites) to determine how hetero they are.
The results are provided below, but I must warn you, some of it is downright shocking:
Rachel Maddow is more hetero than Meghan McCain!
Fox News is gayer than Bridget McManus!
Lindsay Lohan is mostly straight and Dara Nai is really, really gay (well, we know this last one’s true, at least).
Read on for more revelations of who landed where on the hetero scale — along with Stockholm Pride’s description of each person’s sexual orientation, and a list of which words got them there.
gay, butch, bisexual, lgbt, pride
You got nothing of it in you. Really? Nothing at all? Well, welcome to Pride.
Also having "nothing of it in you"? @DaraNai (ass, sugar, gay, truck, prop 8) and @StaceyannChin at 1% (new york, san francisco, gay, pride, prop 8), and @KarmanKregloe at 4% (stonewall, stonewall inn, milk, pride, dolly parton).
Fox News: @foxnews
politics, oil, military, new york, key west
You’re barely hetero at all. Don’t you wish you’ve just got a few more points? To spice things up a bit? No? Alright.
You’re a wonder of non-heteroism. Calling you hetero is like streaking in the parliament. Tempting but plain wrong.
Meghan McCain: @McCainBlogette
trevor, ass, lgbt, body, water drops
You seem to be holiday hetero. Anything can happen when the relaxation kicks in and you have a couple of glasses from that bottle of wine you got as a birthday present from work.
Oh you, you’re a sneak hetero. Who do you think you’re fooling? Anyone can se that there’s some hetero in there.
You’re a bit retro hetero. Take care of your hetero memories, they’re as important to you as the flannel shirt was to the grunge.
Also coming in as "retro hetero"? @katyperry at 36% (amsterdam, body, bless, bitch, beef).
You’re pretty much a hetero hybrid. Why wouldn’t an extra orientation work?
You’re confusingly hetero. Your friends know. Your family know. You’re probably the only one who isn’t sure on where you stand.
Also registering at "confusingly hetero"? @CrystalChappell (brilliant, ass, coming out, new york, steak) and @Amber_Benson (bender, midtown, new york, hot dog, big girl) at 52%, and @MindyKaling at 54% (sugar, new york, body, again virgin, oil).
You’re as hetero as low-fat mayonnaise. Trying to have our cake and eat it too are we?
You’re very metro hetero. Hetero. Not hetro. Hetero. Not hetero. Who can know for sure? Probably few but you.
You’re boomerang hetero. It doesn’t matter how hard you try to gain new experiences, magically you always return to your starting point.
More "boomerang heteros"? @anamariecox at 72% (binding, politics, brandy, debate, ass) and @TheEllenShow (prop 8, football, boom boom, buns, body), @AishaTyler (xbox, bunny, coming out, x-men, closet) at 73%, and @michelleparadis (the twilight, cleaned, fashion, date, perfume), and @samantharonson at 75% (ass, family stone, miami, bitch, drink).
You’re as hetero as black coffee. Bitter, unpretentious and doubtless popular. But what’s the deal with that burnt aftertaste?
Another woman who’s as "hetero as black coffee"? @AmandaPalmer at 83% (elephant, new york, david bowie, ass, bugger).
The most amusing part of all this is the words they’ve flagged as gay clichés for women. Words like gay, ass, and David Bowie I get, but tanning, hot dog, boom boom, the twilight, and steak? Newton? Again Virgin? (I don’t even know what that last phrase means.) The words they’ve flagged as gay clichés for men are funny, too (figure skating, condo, bless), and you’ll never guess where the 700 Club lands on the scale; read AfterElton.com’s post about this for more details.
See how hetero YOU are by submitting your own twitter username here, and let us know the results in the comments!
I’ll be back to read them after I go find myself a man, since I’m "metro hetero" now.