Hey, “Daily Mail,” stop trying to make “flexisexual” happen

Last week Daily Mail editors were sitting around listening to music and watching MTV Movie Awards clips and it dawned on them that there was this thing that just started happening where famous girls kiss other famous girls for attention. And the editors thought to themselves, "Great Scott, we must name this trend!’" And so they did, and lo! the term "flexisexual" was born.

(Actually, no it wasn’t. "Flexisexual" has been floating around on the internet since before YouTube was even a thing. But let’s not quibble over the origin of the name. If Tumblr has taught us anything, it’s that you can steal everything online without repercussions.)


This kiss happened last Tuesday or something so it’s totally relevant to your life right now.

Here’s how the Daily Mail shakes it down:

First there was that infamous on-stage kiss between Madonna and Britney Spears. Then Katy Perry sang that she kissed a girl and she liked it. Now a new word has been coined for the growing number of straight women who flirt with bisexuality… flexisexual. It refers to people who have a sexual preference but refuse to be bound by it. And it seems heterosexual women in their 30s and 40s are leading the trend.

See, first that kiss happened between Madonna and Britney in, like, 2003. And then two entire years ago Katy Perry released an album about girls kissing. And now, finally, there’s a name for it. And thank God for that. Am I right? It’s like we can finally talk about the dawn of this fascinating and totally legitimate brand new trend! A trend led by 30 and 40 year olds! (Wait, though, were Britney Spears or Katy Perry in their 30s and 40s when they started this thing? Doesn’t matter! Another minor quibble!)


UR So Gay you probably think this album is about a girl who actually likes kissing girls.

The reason I know this article is legitimate and totally relevant is because it has a quote from an actual psychologist! Also a quote from an erotic boutique owner! Let’s quote the psychologist.

Women
are often more open to these experiences when they reach their 40s and
are more confident with their sexuality. If an opportunity presents
itself they may think “why not”, particularly if they have come out of a
long relationship.

Also the article mentions Angelina Jolie, Drew Barrymore and Lindsay Lohan, noting that one time they were sexually involved with women — probably when they were in their 30s and 40s — and now they are with men. Because they are FLEXISEXUAL! They have a sexual preference (for men, obviously) but they refuse to be bound by it! They prefer one thing! But then sometimes they prefer a whole other thing!

Wait, I’m getting confused. So chicks who kiss chicks to sell records are flexisexual? And chicks who have committed relationships with both men and women are flexisexual? Those things aren’t "fauxmosexuality" and "bisexuality," respectively? No, surely not. They’re flexisexual. Because that is a thing. A real thing. That’s the point this article is trying to make, right?

I think I need to run this through my Sexuality Point Maker Decoder.

So what you’re telling me is bisexuals are real people who are attracted to men and women and sometimes they have relationships and/or sex with both? And fame whores are fame whores who rub their boobs on other girls’ boobs to make money? Oh, OK. That is brand new information. 

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