“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Your Love is My Drug


Back at Chulos, the lighting is being kinder to Emma and Jenny than it ever has done. Even the camera can’t get close enough to them.

Ronnie’s there, too, yucking it up and twirling his handlebar mustache and tying ladies to train tracks and putting some roofies in Jenny’s water bottle. Jenny and Emma are still talking about Sophie instead of making out. It’s preposterous. Every time I hear the name Sophie, I want to punch myself in the head.

Outside, Ronnie corners Emma again, all, “Hey, watch this video of Penny Cartmann snorting blow. Say, she looks just like your girlfriend, Jenny Hartmann. Why, I think it is your girlfriend Jenny Hartmann. Whom I just poisoned, by the way. Toodles!”

Emma carries Jenny home — literally, probably, White Knight that she is — and tucks her under the most garish covers you’ve ever seen. Like, I’m surprised Jenny didn’t still think she was tripping when she woke up and saw the hyper-circus-colored duvet. Emma watches over her — again, literally — and when Jenny wakes up in a cold sweat, she explains how Ronnie drugged her, and how she saw that YouTube video of her and Effy Stonem doing body shots off of each other and eating MDMA brownies over in Bristol. They fight about Sophie some more (self-inflicted face-punch!) and Jenny says she didn’t tell Emma about her past because Emma could never have understood.

It’s a lie, and they both know it. What Jenny really means is she couldn’t bear it if Emma ever stopped looking at her with those adoring eyes and that over-earnest puppy-dog head-tilt. And Emma doesn’t. Of course she doesn’t. And she won’t. She fell in love with all of Jenny, even the past she didn’t even know about yet. Emma’s main concern is: Breakfast and making sure Jenny can pass her next drug screening.

Yep. Drug screening. It’s the only way her parents would agree to let her come to Cologne, apparently. Jenny knows she’s going to fail no matter what. But Emma’s not sending the love of her life off to Snogdon, UK without a fight. She’s got a Plan B. The fact that she’s got a Plan B at all makes Jenny’s face do this:

And this:

It also makes her call Emma a “terrier” with such affection. But Plan B is doomed. Emma wants to do the drug test for her, but there’s no way to make it happen because the drug test is a urine sample. Also, the last time Emma did an assignment for Jenny, she mixed up her Martin Luthers and they almost ended up murdering each other.

Jenny takes the drug test herself. And she fails the drug test herself. Which means her parents will be along to collect her in a matter of days to drag her away from Emma. Unless, of course, Emma’s got some more of that Gryffindor heroism up her sleeve. (Spoiler alert: She does.)

The last Hand aufs Herz episode airs on German network TV on Friday. I’ll have the final recap up on Friday afternoon, assuming I can get my hands on the last few clips by then. Until then, I suggest all the pizza and P!nk pajama ballet you can handle.

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