“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Puppy Love


Meanwhile, back in Cologne, I’ve started shouting at my laptop.

OK, hang on. First of all, I was swooning all over my laptop because Jenny is torn out of the frame about Emma. This is the part where Jenny makes it into my Inner Circle of Favorites because: a) She decides to console herself with an entire pizza, which she eats while b) wearing a messy ponytail, which comes in super handy when she shoves the pizza away and c) starts doing ballet to d) P!nk in the e) middle of her living room. She dances and dances and hops on the bar and then on the couch and it’s the sexiest temper-tantrum I’ve ever seen. If I ever broke a girl’s heart and she acted like that and then sent me a letter in the mail that I read while riding a train in a thunderstorm, my heart would explode in my chest. It’d be the most romantic death ever. (Sod off, Romeo and Juliet.)

OK, now it’s time to start shouting because Jenny decides to go out and drown her pain in booze and Ben. Ben gropes her real good at the club, and then they go back to his place and have all the sex. It’s heart-breaking the way its filmed: Emma on stage performing Sister Act and Jenny in Ben’s bed performing straight people sex.

When Jenny wakes up in Ben’s bed the next day, she literally goes, “Shit!” and tries to sneak away. At school she tells him it was just a one-off. He’s totally fine with that because he is a teenage boy and so of course he is. In the cafeteria, Jenny and Emma are hilariously polite to each other. “How was Hamburg, Emma?!” “It was so good, Jenny! Thank you for asking!! We won the competition!! How are YOU?!” “I’m good! Thank you for your concern! These sandwiches look especially tasty today!!” “Yes, they do!! Hey, I’m not asking for any particular reason, but has your mail come yet?!” “I don’t know because I’m here at school!! It’s totally not weird that you are asking me that!!”

However guilty Jenny felt before, it increases by about a bazillion when she sees Emma’s sweet face, so she pulls Ben into the restroom, and because she’s never seen a movie or a TV show before, she doesn’t even check to make sure the stalls are empty before going, “I had sex with you. I do not want to have sex with you again. Please do not tell anyone about how I had sex with you. Just to clarify, in case any Gretchen Weiners are eavesdropping, we did, in fact, have sex. Let us never speak of it again.” 

Guess what, you guys? There is a Gretchen Weiners eavesdropping. And by “Gretchen Weiners” I mean “Caro.” 

Caro shimmies up to Jenny’s locker to give her shit about sleeping with Ben, and I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before but Jenny Hartmann doesn’t give a f–k. She’s from London, OK? She kisses strangers on the Tube for giggles. So when Caro tries to pick a fight with her, she’s all, “Listen, maybe you haven’t heard what a badass I am, but if you’ll just take a step back and look at my giraffe jeggings, I think you’ll see that you lose this fight in every possible way.”

Caro tells Jenny not to get her hopes up about Ben because he’s only in it for the sex, and Jenny is like, “Awesome, me too. Now, unless you’re looking for some tips or something, maybe you should bugger off.”

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