“Hand aufs Herz” recap: Guten Tag, Lesbians!


Jenny and Emma are smitten with one another the moment Jenny transfers to Emma’s school. Jenny even thinks about joining STAG, but decides on the volleyball team instead. Emma’s best mate, Hotte, is into Jenny something fierce, and after a whole lot of pleading, Emma agrees to help him hook up with her. Hotte’s idea of a good first date is a séance to locate their missing pal Sophie, and Jenny agrees to come if Emma will write a paper for her. Emma accidentally writes the paper on the wrong Martin Luther (Protestant Reformation guy instead of Civil Rights guy), and Jenny goes berserk, assuming Emma did it to sabotage her academic career.

Jenny and Emma are catastrophically awesome at misunderstanding one another, which makes exactly zero sense because I don’t speak German and even I can tell the thing they’re saying over and over is, “If we don’t make out soon my brain is going to melt!”

Anyway, Jenny decides to get back at Emma by beating her at her own game: The Game of Glee Club. Jenny enters a singing competition and because no one bothered to check YouTube for videos of Lucy Scherer bringing down the motherf–king house as Glinda in Wicked, they didn’t know she was going to destroy them all at singing. She wins like a gazillion Euros, which she donates to the school to build a new beach volleyball court. The headmaster makes the kids dig up the new court with their bare hands and underneath all the dirt, they totally find a human skeleton.

The STAG kids go out for a drink — as you do when you accidentally uncover the remains of one of your classmates while doing a little after-school hard labor. Jenny takes Emma home after their night of drinking, and even though she stole Emma’s choir thunder and also accidentally hit her with a car a couple of days ago, they manage to have a lovely chat without getting into a brawl. Jenny watches the sway of Emma’s hips as she walks from the car to the house. I didn’t tell you Emma performed “If I Was a Boy” earlier, but she absolutely did, and Jenny totally doesn’t need her to be a boy. She’s gay for her like plaid is gay for everyone.

Jenny and Emma accidentally get jobs working together at a Restaurant called Saal 1. Jenny tells Emma she has a beautiful smile, and Emma blushes to beat the band. Then Jenny tells Emma she got a sweet tip because she flirted with this lady customer, and Emma is like, “I DON’T FLIRT WITH LADIES. I’M NORMAL.” And down the vindicate rabbit hole Jenny falls again. This time she botches up Emma’s orders to the point where Emma loses her job.

At school the next day, Emma’s like, “Uh, you kind of got me fired, bitch.” And Jenny is like, “You’re kind of a narrow-minded jerk who isn’t even listening to her own heart, bitch.” And Emma is like, “Psh, my heterosexual heart is perfectly heterosexual, thank you very much.” And Jenny’s like, “Yeah? Then see me make out with your best dude friend and watch your heterosexual heart burst into flames and explode from your chest.”

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