“Guiding Light” mini-cap 4/17: A nice day for a white wedding

This is our new weekly mini-cap of the lesbian relationship on “Guiding Light.” Today’s mini-cap covers the episodes that aired yesterday and today.

Even though Natalia (Jessica Leccia) was confronted with more signs than a construction zone this week, she walks down the aisle toward her future with Frank. Funny, the wedding guests seem to be comprised of the Coopers and the bingo club of the Peapack Retirement Home. Waiting at the alter are Frank and the tearful Olivia (Crystal Chappell).

Why does no one ask her why she is so upset? The maid of honor usually cries over her ugly dress, but since Liv is wearing this really nice red number with what appears to be Christian Louboutin pumps, she should really have no complaints.

Having been detained, Natalia’s priest, Father Ray, cannot officiate the nuptials. As luck would have it, Springfield District Attorney/Mayor/Justice of the Peace and all around superhero, Doris Wolfe, is available to step in. Being Thelma to Olivia’s Louise, Doris, the closeted politician, tries everything in the power vested in her to filibuster the matrimony. Pushing every beat-around-the-bush button she could, Doris prodded Olivia to almost object instead of holding her peace. Olivia covered with a very convincing, “Nooo-one wants to object,” and the service continued.

Has this guy, Frank, had a lobotomy? By this time, the 8 year old Emma is filling in the blanks.

Doris stops the ceremony by taking a fake call from the City Council. She gives Olivia one more chance to stop the wedding. This is the weirdest wedding I have ever seen. Apart from the fact most of the guests are octogenarians, people are texting, talking out loud to the wedding party, and stepping in and out answering their phones.

Liv calls Doris on the fake phone stall and forces her to go back out and finish that whacked out wedding. We get to the vows and the rings and all the while Olivia is slowly dying inside. The tears, the looks of love, heartache and loss — again, a sign the groom is brain dead. And this man is a detective? Springfield must have some gigantic cold case file.

Natalia makes a brave attempt at her promises to Frank, but keeps coming up short in the love, forever, and commitment parts. When it comes to where she has to swear before God, cue up the Dixie Chicks, ‘cause Nat is a runaway bride. For a pregnant woman, Jessica can run fast!

Olivia runs outside after Natalia. That damn wedding was so long the seasons changed as there is about a foot of snow on the ground. Olivia sees Nat at the gazebo and mushes through the drifts to get to her.

As the maid of honor, Liv tries to get Natalia back to the wedding, but Nat refuses. Nat begins to bemoan the fact she loves that big fat (and loud) Greek family, but she can’t go back in there. Nat shouts, “I can’t marry him. I don’t love him I love you.” And there it is — she admits Liv’s graveside confession came as no thunderbolt from above.

Nat tells Olivia she has known for a while but kept avoiding the subject by folding laundry. Liv is relieved, as she can finally look her in the eyes instead of those badly placed props to hide JL’s pregnancy.

Nat can’t go through with the wedding. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Suddenly, they both realize they have cooked the Frank-furter. Meanwhile, back at the church Frank is telling Emma that if anyone can make Nat feel better it’s her mommy. Just another example of Frank’s street-smart detective skills.

Liv and Nat have their heads together trying to figure out how they are going to tell Frank that Natalia has an unusual interest in her maid of honor. The reality of the situation begins to weigh on Natalia. Ah, the guilt — the shock collar of conservative religious training.

Frank comes dashing through the snow. Natalia tries to explain that she is not the person Frank thinks she is. Funny thing about questioning: It’s just that — questioning, and answers don’t come easily. When pressed, Liv comes to Nat’s rescue. She tells Frank that standing in the same church where Nat took her vows with Gus, her deceased husband and the woman she loves heart doner (only on a soap), was too much for her. Seeing an opening to actually breathe, Nat follows Liv’s lead.

She begins the mea culpa of a pleaser and begins to say anything that will keep from hurting Frank further. Frank says he would never ask her to go against her true feelings, because you don’t do that to someone you love. Hello, the heavens open and doves descend — not really, it would have required him to actually get it. Instead, he said he’s counting on her wearing that dress again some day. Which might be the case, but if she does, I’m betting she will be wearing it in Vermont, Massachusetts, or Iowa.

Frank kisses Natalia and leaves. Liv, looking on, appears that she has been stabbed in her Gus heart. What happens now, do they just go back to the farm, fold laundry, and live happily every after? No. This is a soap, not a two-hour feature where the happy ending culminates in the unrequited love resolution. You have to have the angst, and here it comes. Liv thinks that Natalia will be ashamed of what she is feeling. Liv’s words, not Nat’s.

Liv pronounces, “You love me, but one day you’re going to hate me for this. I can’t live with that.” Liv walks away leaving Nat crying in the gazebo. Hope there is a Saint Bernard around somewhere in case she is lost in the white out.

Cut to Nat at the farmhouse…looking at the wedding cake topper…a legally sanctioned, DOMA approved one. To be continued…

For more updates and insight on Otalia, visit www.mindschmootz.net and check back next week for another mini-cap.

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