When we last saw the staff of Seattle Grace Hospital, Derek was back in jail for driving like a jackass, Cristina and Owen got married (without my consent!), Alex still had a bullet in his chest and Meredith hadn’t been cleared for surgery or told Derek that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage.
In Season 7, Episode 2 “Shock to the System” there is heavy rain and dark clouds in Seattle. (Duh, it’s Seattle! That’s how it always is.)
Meredith cries to McBeardy about how scared she was when Derek was shot. Her face is streaked with too much Mariah Carey-like mascara and her over-acting recalls that of William Shatner in Star Trek (and everything else he’s ever acted in). Meredith crumples up wads of used tissues and thanks McBeardy for letting her get all of her emotions out. McBeardy sees through Meredith’s crocodile tears and asks her if she needs a hug to which she responds, “Go hug yourself!” I have a feeling McBeardy does hug himself every morning, along with a strong pat on the back and a quick comb through his neat little beard.
Cristina wakes up next to her “husband” Owen and immediately stares at her wedding ring in disbelief. (Cristina, I’m shocked you married him too!) Owen tries to quell Cristina’s regrets by giving her some kind of granola bar. (I recommend the toffee chip Harvest Bar, though it doesn’t really “calm me” as much as it makes me regular. I wonder if Owen’s granola bar is made of roofies. )
Lexi is sick of all the doctors and interns gossiping about her behind her back so she makes an announcement to clear the air by screaming, “Yes, I am the crazy one. I am the one that freaks out and screams at people. Like that.” I’m not sure her announcement worked the way she wanted it to and I’m certainly glad she’s not my doctor. I prefer a doctor with warm hands and a nice disposition. And a good butt never hurt anyone. Now, everyone has to stop asking Lexi if she’s OK. SHE’S FINE!!!
Meredith left Derek in jail the night before, so she’s trying to avoid him at the hospital. (Dinner at home is going to be awkward.) Cristina asks Meredith if she felt “different” after she got married. Meredith tells Cristina to give herself time to adjust.
Cristina: Your marriage is full of secrets and felonies. Why am I asking for your advice?
Good question!
Derek shows up to Seattle Grace directly from jail. He looks a mess and smells like urine. Couldn’t he have showered before coming to work? I don’t want my brain surgeon infecting my brain with a prisoner’s urine. (Not that anyone would want that.) Actually isn’t urine supposed to be sterile? OK , I’m getting off track here.
It continues to pour in Seattle because once again, duh, it’s Seattle!
Callie and Arizona are discussing the new design of their apartment. Arizona calls Callie’s apartment “harsh and frowny,” to which Callie takes offense. Arizona quickly recovers by calling Callie’s design aesthetic “modern and edgy.” Nice save Arizona!
Arizona really wants to compromise and make their apartment more “smiley.” Smiley, as in Guy Smiley? Has Arizona been struck in the head recently?
Bailey runs into Alex and somehow feels him up. While caressing his chest, she feels the bullet that is still inside of him and has now worked its way to the surface. Bailey tells Alex he needs to remove the bullet or else she won’t let him operate until he’s been operated on. Alex exits to press charges against Bailey for molesting him. (Kidding.)
Teddy and Owen ask the Chief if he can override McBeardy’s decision and allow Cristina to be a part of their heart reconstruction surgery. The Chief agrees and we learn that the heart patient was once the patient of Cristina and Dr. Preston “I got fired for being a jerk to a gay cast member” Burke. The patient ask Cristina about her marriage to Burke, which obviously didn’t happen. Cristina has terrible taste in men!
Owen and Teddy look around the room awkwardly and, to make it even more awkward, Owen announces that he married Cristina the night before. (Cristina is like the town bicycle. Everyone has had a ride.) The heart patient smiles and congratulates Cristina but it’s pretty obvious that even she doesn’t approve of their marriage. (Join the club lady!)
Now it’s time for all the patients to roll in at once. Due to an “Act of God,” eight members of a flag football team were stuck by lighting. (OK, be honest. Didn’t you think that all eight players were going to be lesbians? I did.)
The camera pans around the room and we see burnt feet, lots of blood and convulsing patients. Bailey says, “God was in a mood today.” Maybe God was mad that the heart patient brought up the subject of Dr. Burke. Hearing Burke’s name always puts me in a “mood” too.
McSteamy assigns Lexi to work with his patient. Lexi exits to prep and McSteamy turns to Callie and asks, “When a person’s been to the nuthouse, when’s the appropriate amount of time to wait until you propose?” (Meaning, McSteamy wants to propose to Lexi!)
Callie, “What? Long. Longer. Long, long time. Not now.” I concur! McSteamy had his chance with Lexi but chose his “daughter” and “grandchild” over her. Men always want what they can’t have. And so do lesbians. And everyone else.
Meredith tends to her patient by cutting off his shirt (when did Grey’s become gay porn?) and Derek shows up to evaluate the patient’s condition. Derek tells Meredith that he had to shower twice to get the smell of prison urine off of him. (Gross!) Derek blames Meredith for his incarceration. (How is it Meredith fault that Derek got arrested, again, for speeding? I’m starting to dislike Derek almost as much as I dislike Dr. April Kepner. Does April annoy anyone else?)
The token female flag football player, Carrie, has been temporarily paralyzed and being taken care of by Lexi, Callie and McSteamy. Carrie worries she’ll never walk again and fears she’ll be confined to a wheelchair. Why do the girls always have it worse than the boys?
Then Grey’s turns into a junior high school version of A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Flag footballer Russ loves Carrie but Carrie loves Warren and Warren loves Carrie too but he’s too shy to tell her and I think this storyline is dumb.
The heart patient and her husband are concerned about the upcoming surgery so they turn to Cristina for her opinion. Cristina tells them, “An aggressive approach is your only option. This is what you want.” And I want you to divorce Owen!
Back to the lesbian lovers. Arizona presents Callie with an array of color swatches (albeit bland). Callie thinks they all look beige. Who cares what they look like? You’re moving in with Jessica Capshaw, Callie!
Arizona corrects her, “If you look closely, that’s blue, that’s green and that’s yellow, to take the edge off all the chrome and concrete. What do you think?”
Callie: I think I don’t want to live in an Easter basket.
Arizona: I know, you want to live in the Batcave.
So does my wife, Karman! Anyway, Arizona just wants Callie to meet her half way.
Back to junior high school, three half-naked football players burst into Carrie’s hospital room (where’s security?) to fight for Carrie’s heart. Warren’s up first and just when he’s about to profess his love he spits up blood and passes out instead. (Carrie’s is going to need a lot therapy after this incident. Somebody page McBeardy!)
Warren has to go to surgery and everyone wants in on the operation. Bailey is the one who decides who will operate. Bailey turns down Alex since he refuses to have the bullet in his chest removed. Lexi desperately wants to operate but McSteamy stands behind her and shakes his head at Bailey. Bailey understands the head shake speak and therefore doesn’t pick Lexi. (McSteamy just medically c–k blocked Lexi!) Bailey then calls out for Meredith to operate, but April reminds everyone that Meredith hasn’t been cleared for surgery yet. (April is so damn annoying!)
Cristina is reviewing the upcoming heart reconstructive surgery while spacing out. Owen tries to bring her around by giving her the most passionless kiss that has ever occurred on television. I had more passion with my grandmother when she kissed me on the forehead. (In all fairness, my grandmother was quite attractive.)
It’s Girly Gossip time! Starring, once again, Teddy and Arizona.
Teddy: Hey, I heard you and Torres are shacking up?
(Lesbians don’t say “shacking up” we say “U-Hauling.”)
Arizona: Yeah.
Teddy: Do I sound more excited than you?
YES!
Back to the footballers, Carrie tells the remaining guys on her team that she doesn’t reciprocate their love. They she asks Lexi to find out if Warren is OK. (Carrie and Warren should just get walkie talkies and let the staff of doctors do their jobs rather than run around passing notes back and forth for these two lovebirds.)
Lexi is searching the hospital for Warren and runs into Meredith and Cristina watching TV and having a pity party. On the news, there is footage of the lighting striking the flag football team. Just then Lexi realizes that her patient might be permanently paralyzed and she needs to act fast. Lexi runs to find Derek to alert him about her patient’s worsening condition. McSteamy tries to dismiss Lexi’s plea for help but Derek walks off with Lexi. (OK, maybe Derek isn’t that bad after all.)
Owen, Teddy and Cristina are getting ready to operate. Teddy instructs some off-camera person to “start the clock” and asks Cristina to take the patient’s heart in her hands. (Just like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.) Cristina removes the heart and places it in a large bowl of ice. (Heart margaritas for everyone!)
Teddy says, “Welcome back Dr. Yang.” The way Teddy delivered that line made it sound like she was flirting with Cristina. (Dear Cristina, Please divorce Owen and marry Teddy instead. Love, Bridget)
Back to our female footballer, Derek and Lexi tell Carrie that they need to operate to ensure she’s not permanently paralyzed. Rather than calling her family and friends to share with them that scary news, instead Carrie confides in McSteamy about her love for Warren. (Carrie, forget Warren for five minutes, you might be paralyzed! Straight people are so strange.)
While Cristina, Teddy and Owen are operating on their heart patient, Alex and Meredith are watching from the galley. Alex asks Meredith how Lexi is doing and Meredith tells him to ask her himself. Meredith then reminds Alex that he’s the one that ended the relationship with Lexi. Alex said his relationship with Lexi ended the way all of his relationships end, “the chick goes crazy.” He says he’s a lighting rod for crazy chicks.
Meredith responds, “You’re not that special.” (I second that!) “Lexi’s not crazy. She had a crazy thing happen to her and her reaction was pretty normal. And Izzy had brain cancer. Rebecca, she was crazy but that was the facial reconstruction trauma. You’re not a lighting rod, Alex. You’re just a guy who’s been through a lot of crap.”
Alex strokes the bullet in his chest.
Inside the OR, Teddy calls out for the time, fearing that the surgery is taking too long. (She needs to rush home because she forgot to TIVO Grey’s Anatomy and she wants make sure she looks pretty while she’s kissing McBeardy. She doesn’t!) Teddy asks Cristina to transport a piece of tissue to Owen and just as she begins to move, Mr. Blue-eyes Avery, knocks over a tray and makes a loud (I’m assuming it’s supposed to be bullet-like) noise. Cristina freaks out and drops to the floor and begins to hyperventilate. (I sure hope a production assistant or janitor scrubbed that floor well.)
Teddy tells Cristina that she is OK but Cristina can’t get up. Cristina is flashing back to the day of the shooting. Avery races down to the pharmacy to get another tissue sample since Cristina dropped the original piece of tissue on the floor. Meredith runs into the OR wearing her imaginary Wonder Woman cape and lies on the floor with Cristina. Cristina says she can’t move and starts to cry. (I hate it when Cristina cries.) Cristina says she can’t feel her legs so Meredith takes off her glove and feels Cristina’s hand. Cristina says she can feel Meredith’s hand on her skin and Meredith tells her that they are going to get up and go whenever Cristina is ready to. (Maybe Meredith and Cristina are soul mates.)
It’s still raining in Seattle, and Meredith and Cristina finally emerge off the floor and out of the OR.
McSteamy tells Callie that she is wrong and he can’t wait to propose to Lexi because life is too short. Callie supports his decision to propose to Lexi.
Owen goes to check in on Cristina and he rises out of the flames of Hell with red lighting bolts shooting from his fire engine red hair. Actually, I’m pretty sure that didn’t happen. But I am crossing my fingers that Cristina is going to ask Owen for an annulment.
Cristina: You were wrong. You were about everything.
Then cut to Meredith and Derek fighting in the hallway about his bad driving record and finally Meredith tells Derek that she was pregnant and had a miscarriage. They kiss and embrace and I find myself tearing up. When did I become so emotional?
Back to Cristina and Owen. Cristina says, “I can’t. I can’t do it. You said I could do it.”
Cristina turns to Owen and says “I am sorry,” and she hands him back her wedding band and I jump up and do The Wave all by myself on the couch. (OK, I forced my dog to do The Wave with me.) I love that Cristina gave back the plain wedding band but kept the diamond engagement ring. Good job Cristina! Now go pawn that engagement ring and buy yourself a CT scan machine.
Carrie’s creepy painted red toenails are wiggling while Warren is being wheeled in to see her.
Warren tells Carrie that he’s sorry for getting her and the entire team struck by lighting. Carrie says she’s not sorry. (What? Straight people are weird!) Carrie tells Warren that she loves him and that she’s been in love with him forever. The two patients hold hands and I roll my eyes.
Alex was paged by Bailey and meets up with her in the OR. Bailey tells Alex that she’s going to operate on him to remove the bullet in his chest. She says the bullet is a constant reminder of the horrible shooting. (Way to make it all about you, Bailey!) Bailey is tired of bullying Alex so she asks him (by yelling of course!) to get on the operating table and take his shirt off! (Once again, Grey’s is looking more and more like gay porn!)
Meredith and Derek come home and Cristina has broken into their house and is sitting on the couch. (Meredith really has to change her locks.)
McBeardy and Teddy meet up for another “date.” (I heard it’s meatloaf night in the cafeteria!) Teddy thinks she talks too much and wants to make sure she’s not treating McBeardy like a shrink.
McBeardy says, “Listening to you is not work.” And then of course they make out.
McSteamy follows Lexi out to the parking lot and they have an ex-lovers quarrel. McSteamy wants to propose to Lexi but to keep this cat and mouse storyline going, Lexi yells at him and asks McSteamy to leave her alone. McSteamy agrees to do so.
Bailey successfully operates on Alex and removes the bullet. McSteamy and Callie are at Callie’s home drinking wine straight out of the bottle while McSteamy rubs Callie’s feet. Arizona breaks down the door and cuts McSteamy’s hands off with a machete and yells, “Get away from my woman!” (Ok that didn’t happen either, but it should have!)
Meredith and Cristina lie in a baby 69 position, head to head.
Cristiana: Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce so between the two of us, you and McDreamy should be fine. I thought it would fix me.
Meredith: That’s not why he married you.
Cristina: He didn’t marry me, he married a corpses. I’m dead inside.
Meredith, “You got married, Cristina, for better or for worse. This is the “worse”part. The thing is, there will be better parts. You should go back.” (What. awful advice! Cristina, don’t listen to her! Get a divorce and then come to West Hollywood and Karman and I will take you out to the Abbey for drinks to celebrate your singledom.)
Owen breaks down Meredith’s door and is dripping wet from the rain. (Is Meredith’s doorbell broken?) Owen tells Cristina that she loves him and “threatens” her by saying he’s not going anywhere without her.
Cristina gets up and says to Owen, “Let’s go home.” Cristina exits the front door. Owen stands confused, still dripping water all over the living room floor. Meredith tells him, “I already fixed her before you came, but that was a nice speech.” Oh, snap! Soul mate 1, Owen 0.
The next day, Meredith sits with McBeardy once again. She tells him that she realizes she has no control over life, so he can clear her for surgery or not clear for her surgery. She tells him she’s giving up fighting and with that (of course), McBeardy fills out the little yellow form and hands it to Meredith. Meredith is now cleared for surgery and is able to cut people open at her will. Well, not exactly …
