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“Grey’s Anatomy” minicap: “Almost Grown”

In Season 7 Episode 5 of Grey’s Anatomy,”Almost Grown.” Meredith’s voiceover explains that doctors are raised like children. At first they are trained to practice on frogs, then they graduate and practice on dead people and eventually they get to operate on real live people. Doctors start out just like baby birds and, in this episode, they are going to get kicked out of the nest and forced to fly.

The Seattle Grace staff gathers around and the Chief explains that today is different then any other day. The training wheels are coming off and the Residents are going to get promoted (for the day) and become Attendings. Navy blue scrubs are passed out to fourth year Residents only, so Lexi doesn’t get any. Sorry Lexi!

Cristina stares at her scrubs and looks freaked out. I bet she’s thinking, “Navy blue! I totally look better in red.” Meredith reassures Cristina that she shouldn’t be scared to operated alone. The real Attendings are there just in case she needs help. Meredith says they don’t need to worry because they are just basically playing dress-up for the day. I love playing dress up! But seriously — with Cristina’s jet-black hair, red is totally her color.

The real Attendings are concerned that the Residents aren’t ready to step into their shoes yet. The Chief says it’s time for the Residents to become real doctors. The Chief distracts the real Attendings by giving them their own assignment; pitching him a million dollar idea on why that money should go to their individual departments. The Chief eggs them on to be competitive and says he “loves a good dog-fight.” Well, PETA and I don’t!

It’s time to check in with the Seattle Grace patients. Alex’s patient is a 13-year old male with breasts who wants to have them surgically removed. When I was 13 ,I looked like a boy with breasts too. Meredith and Avery’s patient is an older female who needs brain surgery. Derek tells the patient and the patient’s friend/partner/lesbian lover (seriously, what is their relationship?) that the Residents or new Attendings are going to operate instead of him.

The Possible Lesbian doesn’t want the new Attendings doing the surgery. She’d rather have an experienced neurosurgeon working on her woman instead. I second that motion!

The Possible Lesbian tells Derek to be careful, “She’s been my life for 40 years.” Seriously, are they lesbians? And why do I care some much?

Callie is enjoying the Chief’s competition way too much. She is going around freaking out all the other real Attendings and making them over think their presentations. Arizona thinks the million dollars is automatically going to be awarded to “tiny humans” aka the Pediatrics’ Department. Callie is feeling overly confident that she will have the best presentation and she doesn’t hide her arrogance. I prefer the humbler Callie to this one, but hey, screen time is screen time.

Teddy is teamed up with Cristina and April. Their patient has trouble breathing and needs new lungs to survive. Since today is bring your resident to work day, Teddy is making April and Cristina step up and give the orders. April has no problem flapping her gums while Cristina refuses to make any calls and responds to all questions with, “I don’t know.” Come on Cristina, you do know!

Teddy is sick of Cristina’s indifference and has had enough.

Teddy scolds Cristina, “We’re at a crossroads Yang. You either get in the game or I tell Richard it’s time to send you home.” That’s right, Cristina — either s–t or get off the bedpan!

Teddy is the first to sit down with the Chief. Her cardiology presentation starts out strong and then somehow it transitions into her complaining about Derek’s inability to train the staff and she reveals that she’s still holding resentment towards Derek for trying to get her fired. Teddy needs therapy and I’m pretty sure her whiny pitch won’t help the Cardio department win the million dollars.

Meredith and Avery are preparing for their brain surgery by practicing on eggs. They are allowed to break the egg’s shell but not crack the membrane. Avery has trouble while Meredith operates with ease. (Foreshadowing: five bucks says Derek is going to pick Avery over Meredith.) While Meredith slices up her egg Cristina says she doesn’t want to be an Attending, even for the day.

Cristina: I shouldn’t be in charge of anybody.

Meredith: Just put one foot in front of the other. Just get through the day.

Since Lexi seems to be the only resident who’s still a resident in the entire hospital, she’s running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to handle everyone’s patients at once. But don’t worry, the overachieving Lexi likes it that way.

Back to Alex’s male boob patient — let’s just call him Boy Boobs. Boy Boobs desperately wants cosmetic surgery to remove his massive breasts while his overbearing mother is questioning the surgery. Apparently, Boy Boobs’ father also has massive breasts and she’d prefer if her son just dealt with them rather than went under the knife. (If you don’t want Boy Boobs to have surgery then why did you take him to the hospital in the first place?)

April and Cristina’s lung patient, let’s call him Mr. Bad Lungs, tells Cristina that she has a sour puss on her face. Cristina says she’s not making a sour puss face that it’s just how her face naturally looks. April agrees and says Cristina’s face is just naturally sour puss-y.

Lexi runs around the hospital and stops in to check on one of Callie’s patients who recently had knee surgery. The patient, Meghan, tells Lexi that she’d prefer to see an Attending rather than the frazzled sweaty Lexi who obviously has too much on her plate. Lexi reassures Meghan that she’s completely competent to work with her and rattles off all of Meghan’s medical records to prove that she knows what she’s talking about.

Owen gives a compelling speech to the Chief about how he would use the million dollars towards trauma training. Owen explains that during the Season 6 finale shootings Bailey was unable to save Dr. Charles Percy and therefore he died in her arms. Owen explains that Bailey did everyone medically correct but was unprepared for that emergency because she was never trained for that trauma. Owen says Bailey and the hospital should have been able to get Percy to an OR and save his life. Owen’s speech is so compelling that I take out my check book and write him a check immediately. Although, the check is post-dated and can’t be cashed until December 23, 2012.

Damn it Shonda Rhimes! Why are you making me like Owen? Now, if you just make Cristina divorce Owen and make her a lesbian instead then we can be best friends forever!

It’s McSteamy’s turn to pitch his case to the Chief and he comes prepared. McSteamy wants Seattle Grace to be the go to destination for burn victims and he also wants to expand the plastic surgery department. McSteamy explains that the revenue from cosmetic surgery will fund the burn unit. (Which is actually a really good idea.) To close out his pitch, McSteamy tells the Chief that he’s extremely focused on this idea since he’s currently not sleeping with any nurses, Residents or Attendings and, therefore, he has the power of 10 men.

McSteamy says to the Chief, “Together we can move mountains!” The Chief asks McSteamy to leave his office and a janitor comes in and sterilizes the chair McSteamy was sitting in. I have a feeling McSteamy and his slumbering libido won’t be getting the million dollars either.

April and Cristina are trying to work together to figure out what to do about Mr. Bad Lungs. April has asked Teddy to organize the medical panel to figure out if Mr. Bad Lungs can get on the lung transplant list. While April rants, Cristina just zones out. I zone out, too , when April starts speaking.

April knows that Cristina is checked out says to Cristina, “Do you care? You have to care!” Cristina doesn’t responds and just turns and walks away. April, I think that means she doesn’t care.

At lunch Teddy, Arizona and Callie sit around mocking McSteamy for talking about his sex life (or lack thereof) during his presentation to the Chief. Teddy tells them that she also fell flat on her face. They all blame Callie for psyching them out. It’s Arizona’s turn to meet with the Chief. She gets up to go but Callie stops her and hands her a package of tissues just in case she cries during her pitch. Arizona gives a half smile and says, “Thanks.”

As Arizona exits, McSteamy turns to Callie and says, “You have a sickness.” It’s one thing to be competitive, it’s another to sabotage your girlfriend’s professional life. Callie, You’re dating and moving in with Jessica Capshaw. Don’t blow it! Love, Bridget

Derek has to choose who will operate his Possible Lesbian patient’s brain so he makes Avery and Meredith compete to see who can slice their initials into an egg without cracking the membrane. On your mark, get set, GO! Times up and Derek picks up Meredith’s egg and sees she’s written a pretty little “MG” on her egg (what no “MG-S”?) while Avery writes out “J Avery.” Avery was faking being bad early so Meredith would be overly confident and not practice as hard as he did. Derek congratulates Avery and gives him the surgery. And I believe you all owe me five bucks. I’ll take it in quarters because I have lots of laundry to do.

The smiley, perky, perfect Arizona makes her pitch to the Chief. When she finishes the Chief commends her on being so focused and having such a compelling presentation. Somehow Arizona takes offense to his comment and she begins to rant about how everyone thinks she cries all the time but she really doesn’t. She says she has her emotions under control and then takes out her little package of tissues and chucks them across the table. Arizona says it makes her angry when people make fun of her and she wants to hit them, which she knows how to do since her father was in the military. Arizona then sits in the awkward silence that she created.

Dear Chief Webber, Your staff is a bunch of horny, angry emotional nut bags. Yes, it makes for good tv but I wouldn’t want any of your doctors cutting me open putting their hands inside me. Well, maybe Arizona’s hands — and Cristina’s and Callie’s. OK, the entire female staff is welcome to put their hands inside of me, except for April. Sincerely, Bridget.

Owen goes to check in on Cristina and she sprays him in the eyes with mace. Kidding. He asks if she’s ok and she’s not. Owen tells her that he knows what will make her feel better. They can go outside to the back alley and she can knock the living crap out of him. She laughs and I cross my fingers that she takes him up on his offer.

Alex, being Alex, yells at Boy Boob’s mother and explains that her son won’t out grow his boobs and therefore will suffer psychological damage and be teased for years by his peers. Alex, “Let him be a man and make up his own mind.” I agree, but I also feel strongly that a beautiful pair of breasts are a terrible thing to waste. (On a side note, I really hope the young actor playing Boy Boobs puts the clip of him sporting boobs on his reel.)

It’s time for Avery to cut into the Possible Lesbian’s brain. Derek gives Avery a little pep talk beforehand and stresses that brain surgery isn’t a game. No, it’s not the game. If you want to play a game of doctor I recommend Milton Bradley’s Operation.

Lexi checks in again on her patient Meghan and finds that the left side of her body is nub. Lexi pages Derek for a consult but since he’s in surgery, Derek sends Meredith to check on the patient instead.

April is freaked out that she’s going to embarrass herself in front of the panel. Cristina gives April advices and tells her that Teddy doesn’t believe Mr. Bad Lungs is a good candidate for an organ transplant. April is giddy that she now knows what to tell the panel and Cristina tells April not to worry.

Cristina, “Everyone will be fine, except for Roy (Mr. Bad Lungs). He will be dead.” That comment wiped April’s smile off her face and she scuttles away.

Meredith joins Lexi and finds out that Meghan has a brain bleed. They have to act fast. Meanwhile Avery makes a huge mistake on the Possible Lesbian and Derek has to push him out of the way and stop her brain from bleeding.

It’s Callie’s turn to make her case to the Chief. When she finishes the Chief tells her that he expected a more inspirational pitch like Arizona’s presentation. And here is how Callie responds (I still can’t believe she said this):

Callie: Oh yeah, tiny humans. Arizona is nicer than I am. She’s more patient. She went to Hopkins. She’s more rounded in her field. She’s a much a much better lesbian. I mean, I was sort of a later bloomer in that area.

And then Callie really goes off the rails.

Callie: She’s got a whole circle of lesbian friends, like this subculture. I’m always just; I’m always just a little bit left out. Just a little bit talked down to because I have a long history of enjoying sex with men, which I don’t think is something I have to apologize for, she’s just better.

Chief: So you want me to give Ortho a million dollars to level the playing field in your relationship?

Callie, knowing that she screwed up, hangs her head in shame.

Once and for all can McBeardy to come back to give these doctor’s some therapy. The Grey’s doctors are to medicine as Ally McBeal’s staff was to law.

Mr. Bad Lungs asks Cristina if she’s a socially inept genius, then says he called his daughter and told her he’s in the hospital but she doesn’t want to visit him. (Maybe because he’s rude and tells strangers that they are socially inept?)

Knowing he’s alone Mr. Bad Lungs says, “It’s just you and me, sour puss!” Sorry Mr. Bad Lungs, Cristina already married an annoying guy so there is no room for you. Then Mr. Bad Lungs pleads to Cristina that he wants to live. Oh great, now Cristina will have to fight for his life in front of the panel. The sad part is it’s probably less hassle and a lot less paperwork if Mr. Bad Lungs just dies.

Since Derek is busy fixing Avery’s mistake in one OR, Meredith preps to do brain surgery on Meghan. With Lexi assisting, Meredith cuts into Meghan’s brain with ease.

The show is at its 44-minute mark, which means it’s time for the montage of surgery. While Derek is tending to the Possible Lesbian Alex cuts into his Boob Boy’s chest. As Alex slices into the boy’s areola I throw up in my mouth a little bit. During the medical montage I think I spotted some kind of surgical fork. What is that? And why am I suddenly hungry?

Mr. Bad Lungs coughs alone in his room. Then Bailey asks Teddy, “You’re letting (April) Kipner lead the panel?”

Teddy says, “Yang’s been useless. She’s been no better than an intern!”

Teddy walks into the panel and the camera reveals that Cristina is located on the other side of the door and overheard what Teddy said.

Hey back off Teddy! Why don’t you go to the cafeteria and find a new d–k to suck! Umm, I retract that last comment.*

*The opinions in this recap belong to Comedian Bridget McManus, and Bridget McManus alone. AfterEllen.com does not support or endorse Bridget’s vile language or general thoughts on life.

Meredith is flying high with her surgery and Derek walks in to help her.

Meredith: Let me finish Derek. I got this.

Derek looks on proudly and says, “Yes you do.”

Derek meets with the Chief and says he wants to spend the million dollars to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. The Chief pooh-poohs his idea and says a million dollars won’t be able to fund the research. Derek tells the Chief that he’s worried that Meredith has Alzheimer’s just like her mother did. Derek wants to do the research to find the cause to save his wife’s life. Shonda Rhimes, please don’t give Meredith Alzheimer’s! Pretty, pretty please!

April tells the panel that she doesn’t believe Mr. Bad Lungs is a good candidate for a lung transplant. The Chief asks April if she doesn’t think he’s a candidate then why convene the panel and waste everyone’s time?

Cristina stands in the back of the room in silence then speaks up and says Mr. Bad Lungs should be on the transplant list because his disease is manageable. Cristina says he’s a good candidate and she believes he will live. Teddy smiles and finally we see a little bit of Cristina poking out from her shell.

The panel voted in Cristina’s favor and put Mr. Bad Lungs on the transplant list. Teddy says to Cristina, “Congratulations, you were a doctor today.”

Bailey is the last one to make a pitch to the Chief. Rather then proposing something grand says she wants to spend the million dollars fixing what’s old and broken at the hospital and hiring a new night nurse.

Bailey says, “I can do a big tap dance here and say how I’m going to change the face of medicine with a million dollars. But you can’t do anything with a million dollars. A million dollars is nothing.” (Hey Bailey, if you’re not using that million dollars, I’ll take it off your hands.)

Bailey then asks the Chief why he’s wasting their time doing this exercise when she knows the hospital doesn’t have a million dollars to duel out. The Chief hints that in the next few weeks there might be a new development and things will be changing at Seattle Grace. (If Addison Montgomery-Sheperd returns to Grey’s I’m going to knock my TV over and light it on fire.)

A more upbeat Cristina checks in on Mr. Bad Lungs and he notices she’s no longer frowning. Could our little Cristina be coming back to us? The Chief announces that Owen will get the million dollars, which will go towards his trauma-training program. The other Attendings smile and/or shake their heads at him. Derek stares at Owen and his hopes for curing Alzheimer’s are dashed, at least momentarily.

The McSheperds head home after a long day at the hospital. They wipe the brains off their fingertips and Meredith searches for her house keys. Derek points out that they are already in her hand. Oh no, is it too late? Does Meredith already have Alzheimer’s?

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