“Grey’s Anatomy” mini-cap: Tainted Obligation

 
 

As newlyweds Izzie and Alex are learning, there are many advantages to living in a trailer perched atop a mountain: the stars are brighter, the air is fresher and you’ll never look out your window only to see your neighbor taking out the trash in his underwear. There is, however the occasional downside, as Alex finds out this morning.

Bears aren’t the only ones who s—t in the woods.

Conversely, the looming hospital merger has everyone at Sphincter Level 10. The Chief holds a staff meeting where the free danishes have more substance than his words, and Cristina is so desperate to perform a surgery to prove her worth, she’d probably remove her own spleen if they’d only let her. Things start to look up for Yang, though, when Lexie comes in, holding up her pale, disoriented dad. He promptly hurls blood all over Meredith’s shoes.

Meredith is unmoved because the guy Lexie buys “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mugs for, is the same father she calls Boozy McLoser, if she calls him anything at all.

Upstairs, Mark consults with an octogenarian patient about getting a penile implant, setting the stage for what I’m sure will be an endless stream of erection jokes and euphemisms. But the old guy is serious about being the man he once was, telling Mark, “There’s got to be more to life than eating pudding and watching CSI.”

Word. As much as I love pudding and CSI, life without sex is no kind of life. However, sex with

Marg Helgenberger dipped in said pudding would be delightful.

After the docs take a lookie-loo at Mr. Grey and find a pickle where his liver used to be, Lexie jumps in without hesitation and offers him a piece of hers, while her half-sister, Meredith stares at the ceiling, humming “What Have You Done for Me Lately?”

Up in the maternity ward, Callie is fretting to Arizona about whether to beg the Chief for her job. They’re both wrapped in lavender gowns and look like two lesbian burritos.

Callie decides it’s not worth groveling.

Arizona: So, you’re not going to do it.
Callie: What’s the point? He already fired me once. He’s not going to hire me back now just because of the merger. Whatever. Maybe being a surgeon is over-rated. I’d be happy doing lots of things. I could open a day care. Babies are cute. Ew. That one just spit.
Arizona: Torres, I don’t want you to have to move to Cleveland to be a surgeon.
Callie: OK. I’m going to do it.

Callie screws her courage to the ass-kissing place but darn it all, her beeper goes off and she lives to procrastinate another day.

Arizona looks at the spitty-up baby and tells it, “My girlfriend’s moving to Cleveland.”

Well, Cleveland was just awarded the Gay Games for 2014, so if a long distance relationship isn’t in the cards, maybe Callie will meet a nice lady shot putter named Olga.

Mr. Softee’s son and daughter-in-law try to talk him out of getting his penile implant, suggesting the money would be better spent on their kid’s college fund. He tells them, “I love Janey. But let’s stop pretending she’s going to college. She’s pretty but she’s not too sharp.”

A penis is a terrible thing to waste. Here, he demonstrates what $15,000 can buy.

Elsewhere, Izzie meets a young guy with cancer who refuses to propose to his girlfriend until he gets better. Cristina has been reduced to soliciting doctors who happen by the surgery board like a $10 hooker. God, I love flawed plans.

Meredith finds her and complains that Lexie is making her look bad, just because she’d rather keep her organs to herself, thank you very much. Biology, smchiology. DNA, RNA, is that what really makes a family? Cristina replies with a duh, “It does, actually.”

Lexie’s test results show she’s not a match for her dad, so Meredith suggests they ask Molly or Holly or whatever her other half-sister’s name is. Biology may make a family, but giving a crap makes a Christmas list.

Speaking of close ties, Alex learns just how intimate he’s become with his tribe when he finds a tic on his neck and screams like a girl.

Trailer showers the size of coffins, no room to play Wii tennis and now this? If we were meant to live in the woods, God would not have given us Starbucks.

Off hospital grounds, Callie and Arizona are having lunch alone together, enjoying the view and not touching each other. Callie rattles off her “50 reasons why you should hire me as an attending” list to her girlfriend. Some highlights: she’s good with titanium, she’s got talent for days, and, best of all, a really big, surgery-conducive bladder. Arizona reminds Callie that some people, like her favorite scrub nurse, have already lost their jobs and everyone suffers for it.

Arizona: It felt terrible to be in the O.R. without her. And I was looking forward to spending 30 minutes in the park with my girlfriend [not holding hands or kissing or being girlfriends in any way whatsoever] ’cause this merger thing is important to all of us.

Callie: Sorry. I just — sorry.
Arizona: He’ll say “yes” or he’ll say “no.” And then we’ll know.
Callie: [calming down] OK.

See that? Relationships only work when you take turns being crazy. One at a time, and no pushing!

Little Lexie Grey is always idling at low-level crazy but she’s thrown it into gear and asks Bailey to lie to the transplant board to get her alcoholic dad the liver he doesn’t deserve. Bailey gives her a big fat hells-no, so Lexie pulls Meredith medical records without asking. Meredith is a blood match.

Lexie: I know that he’s not your dad. I know that he was never there for you. And I would never ask you to give him anything. He doesn’t deserve a thing from you. He doesn’t. But he’s going to die, Meredith. And so, I’m asking you to give something to me. I’m asking you to give me my dad. Because as crappy as he was to you, he was wonderful to me.

Oh for Christ’s sake.

Cancer man is also going to die without some sort of miracle. Owen thinks there’s no hope, but Izzie beat the odds and is now convinced everyone deserves a roll of the dice. Meanwhile, Mark has to convince Mr. Softee’s family he deserves “a woody” and who are they to take that away from him?

What is the world coming to when you gotta fight for your right to bump uglies?

Remember when the Chief had an affair with Meredith’s mom? Well, now he’s checking up on the guy whose wife he boned. Awkward.

The men of Seattle Grace, Woody Johnson, Dick Weiner and Willy Wanker, gather round to ooh and ah over something they’ll also be needing one day.

Cristina overhears the words “technologically advanced” and jumps into the sauce without knowing the flavor. Well, it beats tic patrol.

In O.R. news: Giving in to Lexie’s big, weepy eyes, Meredith’s loss is Lexie’s dad’s gain. Cancer man doesn’t have a power agent like Katherine Heigl and dies on the table, and Mr. Softee has a new pocket rocket. Cristina, the consummate professional, gives it a test launch while the others smirk under their masks.

Afterward, she gives the Chief what for. If she can’t perform real surgeries, learn from the best, or get what she needs from the program, then cut her loose. Her hands were meant for creating cardio masterpieces, not tic removal and penis pumping. All excellent and logical, but if she goes, I go, too.

Deep in though over his next blunder, the Chief gets a visit from Callie. But she can see now is not the time to recite her “50 reasons why you should hire me as an attending” list. Instead, she tells him she feels for him, for heavy is the head that wears the Burger King crown. He’s clearly moved by her empathy.

“Go see HR tomorrow,” he says, “Tell them you’re an attending at Seattle Grace Hospital and you want a new badge.”

Badges? We don’t need no stinking badges.

 
 

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