For you lucky girls who went to The Dinah this year and got home in one piece without losing your panties, mind or self-respect in the process, welcome home! We’re back in business here at Recap Central, so without further ado, let the mockery commence.
Meredith, Lexie and Derek are surprised to learn that Alex has a long-lost brother named Aaron. Well, he’s not so much a long-lost brother as he is a brother Alex has forgotten to call for the past seven years. And yet, somehow, Aaron knows where Alex lives and has made a detour from his truck-driving route to get some free medical advice. And possibly, to get his lady brows touched up.
I haven’t seen a dude with brows like that since I ran into Ru Paul at Nordstrom’s.
Queen of the Amazing Eyebrows, herself, Callie finds Mark at the coffee cart and asks how are things going with Teddy? "I don’t know if I’d call it a date," he says, "Doesn’t going on a date imply that you actually go somewhere?" I have absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. None.
Arizona stops by to awkwardly extol the virtues of pound cake. After she wanders off to find a glass of milk, Mark throws Callie a perplexed look.
Mark: So, what exactly constitutes "pound cake?"
Callie: It’s a yellow cake. Kinda heavy.
Mark: C’mon, it’s code for something dirty. You eat her pound cake, she eats your pound cake…
Mark: Oh please. Tell me it’s dirty because otherwise, that was the most boring conversation I’ve ever been a part of.
Callie: We are talking about pound cake because I want a kid and she doesn’t. And we are not talking about that.
The real hot topic of the day is sex. Mark tells Callie he had great poundcaking with Teddy. Teddy giddily tells Arizona that rumors of Mark’s prowess are not only true, he has mad crazy skillz she didn’t even know existed. Mark, the Man, the Legend, has completely redefined her idea of mind-blowing sex. Arizona says it sounds like there was a party in her panties and giggles adorably at her own joke.
In less fun news, Aaron has no health insurance and is depending on Bailey’s pro bono goodness to fix the alien trying to escape out of his belly button. An older man puts his faith in Richard Webber to save his cancer-stricken wife. Why? Because he doesn’t know Richard Webber. A female officer with multiple GSW’s learns she’ll probably lose her job for taking down three perps without backup. No brave deed goes unpunished.
Derek wants Meredith to be his baby’s mama, much to her minor panic. And Cristina doesn’t know how to fix Owen, who’s been a total drag lately, and not in the Aaron’s eyebrows kind of a way.
Later, Lexie tells the man his wife did great in surgery, even though the woman is stroking out as the words are leaving her lips. Aaron blithely tells Bailey and Meredith all of Alex’s hard-scrabble childhood secrets, giving them a new apreesh for his accomplishments, and Alex a reason to kick his little brother’s ass. When the subject of having babies comes up, Cristina asks a room full of surgeons, "Have ya met me?" causing Owen’s eyes to steel imperceptivity for a fleeting moment. Oh great. Them, too?
Arizona innocently tells Aaron that Alex got married. And that Izzie had cancer. Aaron crinkles his lady brows in confusion. Married? Who’s Izzie? Good questions, Siegfried & Roy. But that’s not the point. The point is, the only person who’s fully embraced blissful reticence is Owen. He’s too busy with his PTSD to make idle gossip.
Teddy advises Cristina to stop telling him what to do because "he’s a guy that way." And that’s going to work because Cristina is all about being the quiet one.
Callie asks Bailey when is the best time to have kids. Bailey laughs the knowing laugh of motherhood and tells her half-past never is the best time.
"They take everything you’ve got," Bailey says matter-of-factly. "All your time, all your focus, all your patience, all your sleep. Everything, ’til you got nothing left for you." She tells Callie she was awoken that morning by a nose against hers, and a little voice saying, "Wake up." I suddenly realized why we call our girlfriends "baby."
Not ever waking up: the woman who stroked out. After a brief fight with her husband, the hospital honors her documented wishes and takes her off the respirator. And not ever having a literal baby: the officer who was shot in the line of duty. Callie tells her they had to remove her uterus to save her. Unless I’ve completely misunderstood female anatomy all these years, she still has eggs, no? But I don’t know nothing ’bout birthing no babies.
Later that night, Arizona emerges from her shower and starts babbling about lotion. Callie is done ignoring the elephant in the womb.
Callie: I want to have a baby. And I can’t talk about lotion or pound cake or anything else, because you don’t want to have a baby, and I do.
Arizona: So, we’re going to talk about it.
Callie: Yeah, we are going to talk about it.
Oh yes you are, lesbians. Yes, you are.
Elsewhere, Cristina comes home to find Owen making pasta for dinner. Mmm. Spaghetti prepared by someone who also gives you sex. What could be better? Nothing, that’s what. Unfortunately, for Cristina, it’s very cloudy with a chance of meatballs these days. After the sausage starts to burn, Owen loses his considerable temper and violently slams the entire hot pan into the sink. Cristina flinches and instinctively steps back.
"You’re scared of me?" Owen asks, as if he’s forgotten he ever choked her in his sleep. Cristina not only wears a catcher’s mask to bed, she probably also fears for the children she doesn’t even want.
I’ve never seen a ginger Asian, but why the hell not? I imagine it would look something like this:
Reasons to have kids:
1. Derek tells Meredith he doesn’t want it to be "just her" should something happen to him.
2. You can right all the wrongs your parents did to you and be better than Alex’s dirtbag dad or Meredith’s cold, cold mom.
3. Someone’s going to have to take care of your ass when you’re 90.
Then again, that’s what hot, much younger girlfriends are for. Or so I’m told.