Tess arrives at the aftershow party looking gorgeous in her gold dress and everyone is queuing up to tell her how wonderful she was. Yay. Everyone, but Nora who sidles up to Tess and tells her she did OK, there were a few hiccups but she just about got away with it.
Tess: Who do you think you are? Dame Helen Mirren? Judi Dench? What is your problem, or are you just one of those women who hates other women? Can you not feel good about yourself unless you’re making someone else feel shit? Are you that insecure?
Nora splutters and stutters and with a definitive “Yeah,” Tess picks up her champagne and saunters off leaving Nora to melt away into her own boots.
Lee: Go Tess.
Sarah: Nora has been great, though. I’ll miss her — like Moira from the call centre.
Tess sits down with Ed and he tells her how amazing she was and how gorgeous she is. Why can’t Ed be a lesbian? But Tess is feeling down in the dumps about Lexy and pessimistically says that it’s taken her 29 years to get this role and it’ll probably take 29 for the next. She spots a text message from the absent Lexy. It says she’s sorry, but she had to go because the hospital called. This technically is true.
Ed: Listen, it must be a nightmare going out with a doctor. All those long hours, germs —
Tess: It’d be great going out with Lexy.
Lee & Sarah: Awwww Tess.
Lexy and Sam are very naked and very making love. For everyone who has been complaining about the lack of nookie this series, you’ll agree that all the fireworks have been saved for this scene. It’s a very beautifully lit, very real portrayal of two women having tender, orgasmic sex. It’s also an extremely brave scene for both actresses to have taken on and given so much to.
Sadie arrives at Jo Glass’s gallery, and is strangely still being watched by the blonde bombshell that is now in a car. Why is Sadie so easy to follow? It’s like when Frankie managed to trail her around Glasgow in series one. Are Frankie and Blondie professional trackers or does Sadie just give off a very high-pitched siren call that only edgy blonde lesbians can hear?
Always prepared, like a good girl guide, Sadie breaks into the gallery using the cheese knife swiped from her days in the restaurant. The alarm goes off but she calmly enters the code to switch it off, and then uses the safe code to swipe all of its cash contents. The blonde enters the gallery behind her.
Blondie: This doesn’t look very good does it?
Sadie: Janicccccce. (with a sneer) Didn’t know you were back.
Janice: Good job, I am. Looks like you’ll be needing a lift.
Sadie: What? So you can piss off with my money again?
Janice: It didn’t say your name on it.
Janice spots the vase that the posh bird likes and it turns out she also likes it and asks Sadie if she can have it.
Janice: Why not?
Sadie calmly and very deliberately knocks the vase over.
Sadie: It’s broken.
They both laugh like the couple of crazy ladies that they are and stride out of the gallery together into Janice’s waiting Mercedes Benz, which looks like it may also have been half-inched fairly recently. Has the Artful Dodgeress finally found her Nancy?