Tess is ready to rock and roll and confidently strides into pick up her bag in preparation to leave for her lesbi friend blind date.
Lexy: [eyes popping out of her head] Wow, you look hot.
Tess: Thanks. Is Bea not here yet?
Lexy: No she cancelled, she’s throwing up.
Tess: Look I’ll call Ed and cancel. We’ve still got time to go to the roller disco.
Lexy is not interested and literally pushes Tess out of the door telling her she may meet the one. Tess leaves silenced and with a heavy heart.
Lee: I really want this date to go well.
Sarah: It won’t go well, of course it won’t. Tess’s character can’t ever be fully happy; she’s the funny one, the clumsy one, the one that gives the light relief. If she’s settled and happy there’s no real storyline.
Lee: I’m not looking for your opinion here; I just want Tess to be happy.
Sarah: I’m right though, and I know that everyone worried that Frankie and Cat’s absence would be too big a hole, but really it would be Tess’s absence that left the biggest hole in this show.
Lee: I don’t care about what you are saying. I’m not even listening to you. I just want this date to go well for Tess.
Lexy’s phone goes and she is told that it’s her bank calling. They ask her security questions, namely reading out her address and asking her to confirm that’s where she lives. She forgets for a second that she’s a very intelligent doctor and foolishly corrects and confirms the address and the phone goes silent. Panic stricken she asks who the caller is as it is clearly not her bank. She hangs up and looks very worried indeed. And who wouldn’t be worried, we’ve all seen Scream.
DS Sam Murray is still watching the torturous CCTV footage alone and observes Cat on the day of her birth/death day leaving her supposed meeting place moments after arriving, and ultimately leaving her. The confirmation that the dull nagging paranoia that she had been experiencing since Cat’s death was indeed founded in reality pulls all of the air from Sam’s lungs.
Tess arrives to meet Ed, Nora and lesbi friend in a bar. Lesbi friend immediately regales a story about how she’s a bit radio rental. This story is backed up by the example of the time she chucked beer over a fat girl, which seems a perfect way not to endear herself into Tess or any normal person’s heart.
However Ed and Nora seem determined to get these two together and make their excuses to leave for a cigarette – although neither consumes the Tabac. Tess looks entirely uninspired but she forces herself to be onwards and upwards. Her lesbi friend tells her very proudly she is a make-up artist on Cardiac Care; again another pellet of revulsion strikes Tess.
The Artful Dodgeress is still a loner at the party, until she takes the initiative and tells two men that she is a loner with no work and asks if they have anything going. They admire her frankness and it transpires they are looking for someone with property skills. These are skills that Sadie has. Sadie puts her hand in her bag to find her business card only to stick it right into a round of Brie. She excuses herself.
Whilst washing her cheesy fingers in the bathroom, she has some friendly banter with a pleasant woman who runs an art gallery. This, it transpires, is Jo Glass, Lauren’s partner. Of course it is.
Sam is still in the room, alone in the dark watching for Cat’s last movements. She is determined. She observes Cat enter Frankie’s flat. Ryder comes in and asks what she’s up to. Sam lies and pretends she is observing the streets for Lexy and her suspected stalker. Ryder tells her she would be up shit creek without a paddle if she was caught, but agrees to turn a blind eye and leaves her to it.
Lexy is alone in her flat uneasily eating her tea. She tries to start a “stalker diary” as advised by Sam and imaginatively writes “Stalker diary” on the front, but rejects the idea as soon as it begins.
Sam is still glued to the CCTV footage and watches Cat leave Frankie’s house and place a bracelet into her bag. She has the evidence that Frankie and Cat were indeed having an affair. Sam puts her head to her hands, defeated by the truth.
Back in the bar, Tess orders another bottle of wine because her lesbi friend is telling her straight actresses are always trying to live out their lesbian fantasies on her and this is one of the only ways she can get through it.
Lesbi Friend: We’re a rare breed you and me: pretty dykes. I mean it’s a bit of a dog’s home out there isn’t it?
Tess: Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that…
Lee: This is so funny, you hardly ever see this type of awful lesbian on TV, but by god do they exist.
Sarah: Well to be fair, you hardly ever see any type of lesbian on TV.
Lee: But by god do we exist.
The lesbi friend continues to display traits of utter shallowness by bragging about sleeping with Cardiac Care actresses and suspecting Tess would prefer to be in Cardiac Care and give Chekhov the big heave ho. Tess plunders from more vino to try to get herself through it.
The Artful Dodgeress and Jo Glass walk from the toilets as if old friends. Lauren spots them and races across the room like a panicked bullet out of a pistol. Jo Glass tells her she must use her influence to aid Sadie’s unemployment troubles. Lauren smiles and looks the epicenter of awkwardness, as well she might. The power slides back into Sadie’s palm.
Lesbi friend is still boring the coconuts off of Tess, but she is coping due to being very squiffy through her vino intake. When Lesbi friend wonders where Ed and Nora are, Tess uses this as an opportunity to bolt. She finds them up against a wall outside, Nora’s skirt risen, Ed’s something else risen, just riding. This is unpleasant viewing for Tess and we don’t much enjoy it either.
She heads back inside to find her chair has been pulled inwards and kisses are being planted upon her. She considers for a moment, and then maybe because Sadie, Lexy and Ed are now all at it like rabbits, she throws caution to the wind and gets involved with a comical shrug.
They continue their fumblings back at Tess’ flat and just before Tess pulls off Lesbi Friend’s top, she introduces some questionable sex talk to the proceedings.
Lesbi Friend: Say stand and deliver… I’m a beautiful princess and you’re a fearless highway woman holding up my carriage.
Tess is not feeing this bizarre role-play but because she wants to get her rocks off, she goes with it. A few seconds later though lesbi friend tells her to rub her royal lady mount and at this point Tess has had her fill, cough, cough. She pretends she has all manner of illness suddenly upon her, including a rather random leg tingling. Lesbi Friend falls for this hook line and sinker and when Tess mentions she will be fine because there is a doctor in the house; Lesbi Friend takes this as a spur to rouse Lexy from her slumbers, despite Tess’ protests.
When Lexy comes to Tess’ aid, Tess mouths the words “Help Me.” Lexy cottons on quickly that it would be ideal for the beautiful princess to take her royal lady mound elsewhere as soon as possible. They both bite their lips to refrain from expelling laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation.
Lexy: I don’t like the sound of this. It could be bacterial hydritus in which case we’re going to have to take her in. So if you could maybe go home.
Lesbi Friend: Oh I don’t mind staying, keeping an eye on Tess while you sleep.
Lexy: Oh no, no. No really go home.
Lesbi Friend: Why? Do you think it’s infectious?
Lexy: Unfortunately, very.
Lesbi friend leaves and Tess and Lexy roll around in hysterics on her bed.
Lauren tries to usher Sadie away from Jo Glass by suggesting that she introduce her to some contacts. Sadie tells her not to bother for she has a new job, working with Jo Glass in the art gallery. Lauren tries to hide her horror through false smiles. She heads back to her office to pick up a few things and Sadie follows her on the sly. Lauren questions what crazy game Sadie is playing and she tells her it is a practical maneuver and circles her like a lioness circling its mate. They kiss passionately.
Lee: Ah f–k, Sadie’s just gone right down in my estimation. You need to be a bit of a dickhead to continue with this once you’ve met the wife.
Sarah: Lauren’s even worse though. The Jo lady seems too cool for her.
Lee: Jo Glass would never wear that horrible jacket.
A ferocious Sam bangs at the door like a mad woman waking Lexy; Lexy is not destined to get any shuteye this eve. Sam is incensed and spits out that Cat was f–king Frankie before she died and how she gathered the evidence.
Sam: She could have told me she could have given me that at least. Frankie. that useless bitch.
Sarah: We’re becoming repetitive but really Heather’s acting is just phenomenal in these episodes.
Lexy holds her because no words will remedy her pain. Sam is completely desperate and tries to kiss Lexy, quite forcefully a few times over. It pains her but Lexy resists, finally pushing her away in a mammoth heave of willpower.
Lexy: Sam, don’t! Stop it! I don’t want it, not like this, OK.
Sam awakening from the fury, apologises, and leaves leaving Lexy calling after her.
Lee: What an episode that was.
Sarah: I know. I’m not sure that it can quite come across on this recap how good it was, even the additional cast members like lesbi friend and the cheese honcho were brilliance.
So just two measly little hours of Lip Service left to go until the end of the series. What did you think lesbians? And if you’re enjoying this series then make sure you’re telling BBC3 because there is still no word on Series 3. And that doesn’t bear thinking about.